Everything We Lose

Every generation has lost something…

In the 1950’s kids lost their determination. Surrounded by the stability of well-paid jobs and the inspiration of music a new term was born - generation gap.
In the 1960’s kids lost their authority. A decade of protest, church, state and parents were called into question. Authority was challenged, but never changed.
In the 1970’s kids lost their love. A generation dominated by self words. Self-image, self-esteem...a lonely generation. And the first time when the idea of love was confused with sex.
In the 1980’s kids lost their hope. Stripped of innocents and love they were plagued by the horror of a nuclear nightmare. They no longer saw a future.
In the 1990’s kids lost their power to reason. Slowly they were taught less and less the basics of logic and truth, they grew up irrationally.
In the millennium we woke up and realized somewhere in the midst of the past we had lost our imagination. But, after everything our parents had built for us, everything they had discovered. We were just on the brink of changing our definition of every fundamental belief humans ever had.

In 2016 the first bone-marrow female impregnation procedure went into animal trials in the UK. Now, eight years later it is the most common way to become pregnant. Women can now have children without men. The sperm is created artificially using female bone marrow, but there is a catch. The women impregnated with this technique can only have girls.

I am a doctor and I have an eight year old son. Because of the phenomenon that some have now taken to calling “the women’s movement”, I have to ask myself what kind of world am I creating for my son? What will my generation lose?

April 14, 2024

I walk into the bathroom and lean over the sink splashing water on my face. I pat my face dry and stare into the mirror at my own reflection. My crazy curls are calmer than usual today, my hazel eyes and complemented by my new mascara. My dark skin looks even darker in this poor lighting. I look closer at my eyes, there are slight wrinkles, odd since I never thought I would get wrinkles...my mother never did. I kiss Lucas and hug Cole on my way out the door. I get in the car and head to the office.

I arrive at work at 8:30, patients are already waiting and my head nurse, Jackie, briefs me about my first patient.

“Dr. Newman it’s another…” “I know, of course it is.” This is the second one in three days…

I deal with pregnant women every day, but I had never realized how many women become pregnant in the U.S. everyday. Especially on purpose…

My phone beeps in my coat pocket. “Just dropped off Cole. Got called in :( but have a great day baby, I love you!”. “Lucas?” Jackie asks. “Yea” I smile a little. Jackie hands me the file “They seem like a really nice couple!” She adds. “They always are…”

I push open the door off the exam room. “Mrs. Laurmen! How are you?” I ask with my best smile. “I’m great” she says with a smile. Her brown hair is cut to a bob just above her shoulders and she’s pretty, a little skinny, but pretty. A tall woman stands next to her with her hands clutched tight to her purse on her shoulder. “And you are?” I ask eyeing the woman next to her.
“I’m Vickie, Olivia’s best friend…” Vickie said gesturing to the women on the exam table. Jackie’s intuitive, but I guess she missed that these two weren't a couple.

It’s more common than you think slightly older best friends decide to have a baby together, afraid their biological clocks are running out. It’s still considered unethical to have a child with yourself, even though it is possible. But, according to her file Ms. Laurmen is only 28, just a year older than I was when I had my son.

I sit down on my chair “Ms. Laurmen-” I start. “Oh please, call me Olivia!” she says with a perky smile. “Olivia, I understand you’re here to see about the female-bone marrow transplant. How much do you know about it?” I ask. “Well not that much, but Vickie is an x-ray technician, so she's very up to date.” she was so perky it made me nauseous. “Not completely, but I do know that you’re one of the best in this field, I mean you helped develope the procedure.” Vicke adds. “Yes, I did.” I say with a momentary pause. “However, it is risky. I don’t see anything that would indicate you are unable to have children in a more traditional way. I’m not meaning to be intrusive, but I won’t perform this procedure unless I know that you are making the best choice for yourself.” I recite, it’s the same speech I give to every woman that comes into my office. “I’m not lesbian.” Olivia says looking at the ground. “I just… I’m getting older and I don’t even have a boyfriend, it could be years before I have the chance to have a baby in a more “traditional” way.” She curls her fingers in an odd way when she says traditional.

“I completely understand.” I say forcing a smile. “But as your doctor you should know that hormone therapy has come a long way, you still have years to have children.”

Vickie puts her hand on Olivia’s back and pats her softly. “We want to have a baby together, as friends.” Vickie says with a light smile.

“Okay, well we need need to run some tests on the both of you to assure that you’re healthy. I’m going to send in a nurse and she will help you get ready.” I say smiling. Vickie forces a nervous smile and Olivia beams. I step out and close the door behind me.

Jackie watches me from her desk with a questioning look, I nod. She stands up and enters the room. Jackie has been right by my side since I started performing this procedure six years ago. She knows what every look and glance means. I head into my office and begin updating their file.

My phone vibrates in my pocket. “Dr. Newman.” I say as a swipe to answer. “Dr. Newman, this is your son, Cole’s principle. There has been an...incident, we need you to come in.” a male voice says on the other line. “What? What kind of incident?” I ask. “It would be better to talk in person.” he urges. “I’m at work I’m going to need a few minutes, but I’m on my way.” I sigh.

I step out of the bathroom and walk back down the hall, Jackie steps out of the exam room. “I’ve taken blood and saliva samples from the both of them, you just need to take an egg sample.” shes states. “Alright, but after I have to leave somethings happened with Cole.” I say. “Is he okay?”. “I’m not sure” I say looking off.

I push open the door of the exam room and run my tests, I schedule the girls to come on next week after we get the results back. I rush to my office and grab my bag, leaving behind my white coat.

I come into the office to see my son sitting a bench outside the principal's office. A little ginger girl sits across from him. The principles door has a plaque with the words “Mr. Crow” engraved in it. Mr. Crow must have noticed me through his window because before I had time to speak with Cole his door was flying open.

“Mrs-Dr. Newman.” He corrects himself, holding out his hand for me to shake. I shake his hand, only slightly insulted. “Thank you for coming in on such short notice.” he smiles with his pearly white teeth, he's kissing up, I can feel it. Whatever happened wasn’t Coles fault. “What is this about, I’m very busy.” I ask with contempt. “Please step into my office…” he says gesturing for me to come in. “I’d like to speak to you without Cole for a moment.” his cold eyes stare at me.

I step into his office and take a seat. He walks around the desk and sits down. “Earlier today, at recess Cole got into a fight.” he starts. “That doesn’t sound like Cole.” I say with a dead glare. “Well, he didn’t start the fight.” he continued, “A little girl did.” he glanced at the door. “You mean the little girl sitting across from my son as we speak?” I ask. “Yes, apparently they had been arguing since lunch this morning and during recess the little girl slapped Cole.” he replied. “They’re in the third grade, what on earth do they have to argue about?” I express. “Mrs-Dr. Newman I assure you that Cassie will have adequate punishment-” I cut him off “That’s not what I asked.” I demanded.

There's a knock on the door and the secretary pokes her head in “Mr. Crow, Mr. and Mrs. Roberts are here.” she says. “Just a moment.” Crow stamers.

“I want to see my son.” I say before she can close the door. Mr. Crow nods. A moment later Cole comes through the door, I can see the light impression of pink on one side of his face that I hadn’t noticed earlier. I sigh, “Cole what happened at recess? Why were you arguing with Cassie?”. “Mom, she said that boys were stupid and one day there wouldn’t even be any.” he looks down at the ground. I pull him into a hug and glare at Mr. Crow.

Mr. Crown clears his throat, “We will be suspending Cassie.” he assures me. “But, you must understand that things are changing for children now, our kindergarten class is three-fifths female.” he urges. “I understand that, but it doesn’t give any girl the right to bully my child about his gender.” I state. “Trust me no one is more upset about this than I am.” he attempts to assure me. I look down at Cole, when he was born I was always worried that kids would bully him for being mixed, but things have changed so much that now it’s about his gender. “There’s only thirty minutes of school left, would you like to check Cole out?” he asks. “I guess” I stand up and walk outside to sign him out.

Once Cole is at home with the babysitter I call his father and explain what happened. He was less than pleased…

I get back to work and everything goes smoothly, but my head is far away.

I don’t remember the drive home, but to my surprise Lucas is sitting at the dining room table with Cole as I walk in.

“Hi honey” he forces a smile. “Hey, I thought you were working late tonight?” I stamer. “I just thought I should come home early.” he glances at Cole. “Okay…” I put down my bag on the counter. “There’s a casserole in the oven, sweetie.” I smile “Thank you” I mutter. “Go finish your homework Cole.” Lucas orders.

Cole stood up and looked around the room before slowly walking out.

“He understands more than you think.” I state turning to Lucas. “He knows when we’re upset.” I continue. “That doesn’t mean he knows what we’re upset about.” Lucas replied. “No, I guess he doesn’t.” I sigh.

I pull the casserole out of the oven and serve myself some. “Honey, I know that things are changing, but all we can do is prepare Cole. I can’t take back discovering what I did.” I slump in my chair. “You know that without you the procedure wouldn’t be possible, but you don’t get any credit because you were just a resident.” Lucas said. “I know and I wish I could change things, but I can’t...I’ve single handedly ruined an entire generation.” I stammered. “No you didn’t.” he said placing a hand on my shoulder. I stand up and walk out of the room, I hadn’t touched my dinner.

A few minutes later Lucas comes into the bedroom with my dinner. “You need to eat honey.” He says handing me the plate. “I know” I state, taking the plate. He sits down next to me, putting his arm around me and kissing my head. “I love you” he says. “I love you too.” I reply.

The next morning I follow my usual schedule and arrive at work the exact same time I do everyday. The day seems extra boring. Just before I was supposed to head home I receive a call, a women has gone into labor.

I make a call to Lucas on my way to the hospital. “Of course…” he groans. I insist there's nothing I can do and with a sigh he apologizes.

The next day I drive into work.

A billboard is plastered along the road, the face of an older white women gleams with a fake smile. Trisha Marks, a presidential candidate, her slogan “Creating a brighter world for all of our daughters.” I shiver goes up my spine, ten years ago that would've said a brighter future for our children, not just our daughters.

I did this...I created a world where women were no longer close to equal with men, but now surpassing them. I found the MH chemical that needed to be added to help the artificial sperm survive.

Next to me my phone buzzes. The words “You did nothing alone everyone was responsible for what happened, I’m sorry.” are displayed across the screen. It was Lucas, always there when I need him…

He always supported my career and I repaid him by making him feel obsolete. How could our society have changed so much in just eight years? When this went into trial phases everyone thought it was crazy and that only lesbian couples would need it, how had it become so much more? And how could I stop it?

“BEEP” a car honks behind me and I wake up from my deep thoughts.

I walk into my office and to my surprise Vickie is sitting in one of my chairs. “Goodmorning” I say with a questioning look. “Hi Dr. Newman, I’m sorry to intrude. But… I need you to tell Olivia there's something wrong with me and we can’t have a baby.” she blurts out. In slight shock I sit down at my desk, “Ms. Johnson, might I ask why you would want me to lie to your best friend?” I reply. “I can’t have a baby...not like this.” she reveals. I sigh, “She can’t force you to have a child.” I continue. “I know that, but you’ve seen all the reports and the things going on, men are outraged. There's gangs of men in other countries killing women that have children this way…” she discloses. “I understand that, maybe you should try talking to Olivia.” I suggest. “But, she's so excited about a baby!”. “I understand that, but she deserves to know, don’t you think?” I question. She looks at the ground, after a long silence she finally agrees. “Now I think you have things to take care of and I have patients to attend to. Good luck and I hope you have a wonderful day.” I stand up and offer my hand out with my best professional smile. She shakes my hand and mumbles “You too.” as she slowly leaves the room.

I sigh and slump in my seat as soon as the door closes. This is a big part of my job, but it sucks. My office phone rings and I begrudgingly answer.

“Dr. Newman.” I groan and try to sound happy. “Jennifer!” a deep man's voice gleams on the other line. “Neil?” I ask. “Well who else would it be?” he laughs. “How are you?” I ask. “I’m fantastic and you’re about to be fantastic as well, you have to meet me for lunch today it’s urgent!” he insists. “Um, okay one second.” I flip open the calendar on my desk. “I’m open for one. How does Peppers sound?” I ask. “Perfect, see you then.” he hangs up the phone.

I’m not exactly thrilled about lunch with Neil, he was one of the scientist that helped me and a few other doctors developed the procedure. I can’t imagine what he would want to meet about…

1:00 rolls around and I drive to Pepper’s, it’s one of my favorite restaurants in Davis. I like one of the steak houses in San Francisco more, but that's a long drive. I arrive to find that Neil is already seated and waiting for me, we exchange greetings. He comments on my hair, apparently he liked it longer, not like I care. I ask if he lost his razor, it looks like he hadn’t shaved since last year. Before the bread sticks have even arrived he pulls out a huge file. “This is a business trip Jen.” he revels. “What is this about?” I ask. “We’ve gotten approval for the male bone marrow and artificial womb research, but it’s a secret right now.” he insists. “We?” I question. “Well the first procedure was your life’s work, we couldn't have made it work without you...I just assumed you...you would be a part of the team.” I could feel the disappointment in his voice. “Neil...I don’t know. I have a son, you know that…”I argued. “And I have two.” he interrupted. “I know that, but what we did...it’s ruining an entire generation.” I continued. “At first all major breakthroughs to the average eye can seem to be a setback, to destroy something.” he explained “This could be our opportunity to bring balance back.”

I look down at my water. Maybe he’s right, maybe this would balance things...Then again it could cause even more unbalance. When we were approved for female testing we also got approved for males, but it didn’t work. We could never stabilize the egg, let alone create an artificial womb.

“Have you made any leeway though, last time we didn’t accomplish anything. It felt impossible.” I asked. “Nothing huge, but we have some of the newest research and new people, you’re going to love them.” he urged. I sighed, “Alright I’ll help…”.

That night at home I told Lucas the news, he was thrilled. He kept talking about how this could fix things and he couldn’t wait till people heard about it. I of course had to swear him to secrecy, when new things like this come up they are supposed to stay out of the public eye till there is solid research and experimentation being done, it’s too risky right now. That night for the first time in a long time when I kissed my son goodnight I wasn’t wondering if one day his existence would be obsolete, but rather thrilled to create a better world for him. I was excited, until I sat down to watch TV…

That night they were talking about the male gangs that had popped up all over the world that were murdering women inseminated by the operation. They call themselves “The Manliests”. There was rioting and burning of women's clothing in the street. A shiver went up my spine as the mother of a young girl talked about how her daughter and daughter-in-law were murdered in their home after she had been inseminated a month before. I watched in horror as anti-female signs, posters and graffiti flashed on the screen. Lucas came in and sat next to me “It’ll be okay hun, I promise.” he insisted.

And I told myself it would be… It would all be okay soon enough, right? We’ll discover and male version of the procedure and everything will go back to normal… I may have temporarily caused something terrible, but I will fix it. Perhaps my generation can be the first to not lose something...

Part 2:

Hello, whoever might be reading this. I’m Dr. Jennifer Newman’s son, Cole. I know she already mentioned me in this diary, but I was eight. The year is now 2045 and I’m 29 years old. My mother never had the chance to finish this diary so, knowing it’s what she would want. I should finish it for her. Three days after my mom's last entry she was attacked and murdered right outside of her office...I don’t remember every detail of what happened, but I know she was killed by a gang of men that found out she was one of the doctors working on the female bone marrow impregnation procedure. Sadly the world wouldn’t find out about my mother's newest research project till months later.

Today I have a MD and PHD. I’m not an OB, but I have had some input on artificial womb research. A few years ago there was a breakthrough and we discovered a way to create artificial egg out of male bone marrow. However, it came with some serious side effects. Today the FSRO, Federal Science Research Organization, will vote to decide if our investigation will continue. Neil Phillips (yes the before mentioned Neil) formed the FSRO in 2021 to help research projects like ours.

I’m at a cafe about 15 minutes from the house where I grew up, I should visit my father. He’s almost sixty now. He took mom’s death really hard. Her old desk is still exactly how she left it. Her lab coat was brought back from the office, it’s still sitting on the back of her chair...It kind of scares me just sitting there. When I was younger I use to sneak into my parents room while my dad wasn’t home and put it on. It smelled like her, it was like a never ending hug. Like still having her here…

I snap out of my fog as the waitress comes by to ask if I would like a refill. I smile at her, her name is Larissa and she's beautiful. She's always my waitress, I come here more than I should. She probably thinks I’m a coffee addict. “Yea, thanks” I say slipping my cup over to her. She smiles, her deep green eyes are electrifying. Her hand slips and coffee spills on the table. “S***-ah I’m so sorry!” she exclaims. I move my stuff over, “Don’t worry about it.” I smile. She runs off to the back and comes out with a damp towel. I finish my cup of coffee and decide to visit my father. I leave a big tip and my phone number (fingers crossed).

My dad is sitting on the couch holding mom's old stethoscope. “Cole!” he exclaims, clearly startled I was there. “Hi dad.” I reply. His soft white hair is unkempt and his blue eyes surrounded by wrinkles and dark bags. “What are you doing here?” he asks. “I thought I should stop by, I was in the area. What do you have there?” I venture. “Oh...nothing.” he sets the stethoscope to the side. “Would you like some coffee, I was just about to start a pot.” he asks. “No I just had some, but thank you.” I answer. He shakes his head in an old man confused way. “Well I still want some.” he walks to the kitchen and I follow. I sit at the bar like I use to as a kid.

He fumbles around for a moment before he finds everything. “So how's that research project been going?” he questions. “It’s going well.” I say. “You’re trying to make artificial wombs or whatever, right?” he looks confused, turning around to look at me. “Yes, we're using an altered bio-carbonate lining using the discoveries found with artificial skin breakthroughs we believe we might be able to make it livable.” I explain. “Well I don’t understand all that stuff…” he looks at the ground a little sad. “You’re a lot like your mother.” he continues making his coffee.

“Dad...are you okay? I mean living here on your own?” I ask. “Oh-of course!” he states, I can sense his voice shaking a little. “What if I came and lived here with you, or you could move downtown with me?” I say. “No, no, what if you meet a girl, you think she’s going to believe that you live with your dad to take care of him.” he laughs a little and puts air quotes around take care. “Dad I have an Md and Phd, I don’t think any girl is questioning how independent I am.” I reply with a laugh. “Yeah...I guess not.” he chuckles to himself. “Seriously though dad, I don’t want you to live here alone.” I explain. “I know you don’t, but I am fine. I’m in great shape and everything I can’t do the Ericson kid’s help me with.” he argues. “But, aren’t you lonely?”  I ask. “Son, I’ve lived alone for a long time and even when you were here, you weren’t the best company. You were barely here in high school… I’m use to being alone.” he looks at the ground. “I love you.” I say hugging him. “I love you too Cole.” he says.

“Well… I have to be at work soon.” I say. “You have a good day, and good luck with the girl.” he says. “What girl?” I ask. “You know what girl” he says pouring his coffee smirking. I laugh and head out the door.

I arrive at work a few minutes late, but no one says anything. Of course everyone kind of thinks of me as their boss, even though officially, I’m not. You can’t really get onto your boss for being late. I go into my lab and look into the clear case that holds the T4LS version of an artificial womb. It’s day 254 were all very hopeful it will make it to day 256 it will be the first to raise a rat fetus fully. I write down my observations for the day, take vitals etc. People in lab coats buzz around me performing operations on different versions of cells and working with mice.

The day is nothing special. I head home by six and spend my night eating cold pizza watching tv, I head to bed.

The next day I head into work, I skip the coffee shop, Larissa hasn’t called me yet. I’m still hopeful though it’s only been a day. I arrive a little early just as Mr. Phillips is coming in. “Cole! It’s good to see you.” he says with a forced smile. “Hello sir.” I reply nodding my head. “Please, don’t call me sir, to you I am Neil.” he stated putting a hand on my shoulder. “Oh course, Dr. Neil.” I said with a laugh. “I’ll take what I can get.” he chuckled. “How’s the T4LS coming?” he continued. “Extremely well, it’s on day 255.” I stated. “You’re kidding!” he exclaimed. “That’s fantastic...of course you would be the one to do it. So much like your mother…” he trailed off. “Thank you.” I said looking at the ground. “Yes, well I better get inside, big meeting today.” he continued. “Goodluck.” I state as I walk into my lab.

Today is a tour day, a few of the local colleges come in and tour the facility. We’re supposed to put on our biggest smiles. Some of the students are science students, others are just students that get forced into going. So I prepare myself and the lab aids, give them the speech about professionalism, blah, blah, blah. They all nodd their heads and smile back at me with glass eyes. I know they're not listening, but I have to say it.

And then the students roll in. First is Berkeley, and several University of California schools and then Stanford heads in. To my surprise standing at the back of the group I spot Larissa. She smiles as I talk and puts her fingers through her black hair and stuffs her pencil behind her ear when she’s not using it. The group leaves and she sticks behind. “Well hello...Dr. Newman.” she says with giggle as she looks at my name tag. “Hi.” I laugh. “Sorry I didn’t get around to calling you yesterday, I was studying.” she said gesturing to her class. “So um are you going into science?” I ask. “No, I’ll graduate this semester with a masters in business.” she explained. “ I work at the coffee shop on the side along with an internship at a company.” she continued. “That seems like a lot.” I laugh. “Must not seem like that much to you, a Phd and MD. Impressive…” she said smiling. “You should probably catch up with your group.” I urge. “Yeah, I better. I’ll call you tonight, maybe we could go for dinner?” she asked. “That would be lovely.” I reply. She runs off to rejoin her group.

I smile to myself as George, a friend of mine, laughs and punches me in the arm. “She's hot.” he jokes. I roll my eyes, I don’t know how he became a doctor he acts like a high school jock with an IQ so low you have to dig for it. I walk away without replying and the rest of the work day seems unimportant.

I arrive home and order a pizza. I sit down and pull out my laptop just as my phone rings. “Hello?” I ask. “Hey, Cole?” a female voice asks from the other line. “Yes..” I reply. “Hey, it’s Larissa!” the thrilled voice answers. “Hey.” I reply. “So um, are you free for dinner tomorrow night?” I ask. “Oh strait to the point.” she laughs “Yea, I’m free.” she explains. “How about Marios? At 8? I could pick you up.” I say with a smirk. “Sounds great, I’ll text you my address.” she answers. “See you then.” I say. “Bye” she answers.

I sit on the couch and smile to myself. The doorbell dings and my pizza's here, meatlovers, just how I like it. I eat faster than I should and pass out on the couch.

I wake up the next morning to 15 voicemail messages and 47 texts. The embryo was successfully removed from the artificial womb! I’m thrilled. I take a super fast shower and drive into work.

Everyone in the lab is celebrating, no one can believe it. We’ve done it! We’ve actually done it! Trials will continue with animals for one more month, but if everything goes normal we’ll go into human testing. The results from the first test will be published tomorrow.

I can’t believe I did this, or helped do this. My mom died because we couldn’t reach this point yet. I think I made her proud. I’ve dedicated my life to making everything she did worth something. I’m sorry mom. I’m so sorry that things happened the way they did. I love you.

2047

I’m sorry I never entered after that I’ll make it a point to update every year at least. But, we did go to human trials and we were successful. The world has been restored to “order”. The research we did is now used to help support life underwater and space and is leading to tons of other breakthroughs. I couldn’t be more proud. Yesterday I proposed to Larissa in the same spot my dad proposed to my mom...she said yes. My mom dreamed that her generation would be the first to not lose something, but perhaps there will never be a generation who can do this. Perhaps we lose something because we are to focused on fixing something else. Maybe in the end it doesn’t matter what we lose if we gain exactly what we need...