E.T. Phone Home, you are known as the crappiest phone carrier there is. I never knew that it was possible for an intergalactic call to crash within the first ten seconds, but apparently you can somehow manage to pull it off. We’re in the 80th century! Come on! Get with the times! I’m tired of my phone signal completely disappearing when I enter Uranus’s atmosphere. That’s even in our own solar system! You better get your act together, or I’m switching to Warp Speed. Sincerely, Xenon Noble.
I sat my laser pen down on my desk and took pride in my work. It looked like the most amazing complaint letter than had ever been written since the dawn of time. I entered the star coordinates into the portable mailing device and slipped the piece of paper through the slot. I better see some change soon, I thought.
I heard the door slide open behind me. I turned around and in came my pet squid, Flubber. He slithered up to me and wrapped a tentacle around my leg. “What is it, boy?” I asked. He looked up at me with those bulging eyes, and I couldn’t help but poke them. Squishy. It was so funny how it didn’t even seem to faze him. I picked him up and snuggled him close to me, his slimy skin leaving a slight residue on my space suit. I carried him out into the living room where RoboMom and RoboDad were examining the day’s newest star charts. RoboMom grinned at me with her virtual teeth. I cringed a little bit. I needed to reprogram her smile. It was a little creepy.
“Did you write your letter, Xenon?”  she asked me.
I nodded. “Yep. And I sent it, so hopefully I’ll get a response soon.”
RoboDad sat the star chart down and looked over at me. “You should. The asteroid belt isn’t as thick today.” He turned back to his star charts, analyzing them. Flubber squirmed in my arms, trying to get down. I sat him down on the floor, and he slithered towards my little sister who had just come in from her intergalactic studies. She dropped her books on the coffee table.
“How was school, Antimony?”
She shrugged and picked up Flubber. “It was okay. Kinda stressful. Programming is going to be the death of me.” Flubber touched her face apologetically with a slippery tentacle.
I laughed. “I can always help you if you need it. I designed RoboDad and RoboMom, so I’m not a newbie in that area.”
“I know, I know. Smartass.”
RoboMom’s head popped up. “Language, Antimony!”
“Sorry, mother.” She put Flubber back down on the floor and headed towards her room on the opposite side of the ship. I watched her as she walked. Her skin had always had this beautiful shine to it, and I envied her for that. After the collapse of the human civilization on Earth, we had to be created chemically; different aspects of space were used to give each person a distinct personality. Her genes had been fused with stardust, while mine were fused with stupid moon rocks. She glowed, while I just…existed. There was never anything special about me, except for my intelligence. My sister may have been sweet, but she was as dumb as a keypad. She could never tell the difference between the reserve axial interference modulator and the subspace field sensor. That was child’s play!
I grabbed the remote off of the table and switched on the TV. Keeping Up with the Klingons was on. One alien was prancing around in her new, skimpy space suit, while clicking about something to her sister. I wish I learned how to speak this god-forsaken language, I thought. Flubber crawled up onto the couch with me and slinked into my lap. I pat his head as I watched the galaxy’s most famous family bathe in their fortune, literally.
RoboDad and RoboMom stood up from the table and waved goodbye. “We’re off to our humans-in-training class, Xenon! We’ll be back before you can say Little Dipper!”
I sighed. “Just go.” They walked into the sanitation chamber and closed the door. I looked out the window and saw them speed away towards the nearest comet with their jet packs.
My sister came bouncing back into the living room. She glanced at the TV and saw what I was watching. “Oh ‘em gee! Why didn’t you tell me Keeping Up with the Klingons was on!” She plopped down next to me and took Flubber out of my lap. She tried to make him sit in her lap, but Flubber wasn’t going to have that. He squirmed until Antimony let go and he slithered off to my room for safety. “I’m hungry.”
I pointed towards the kitchen. “Then go get something! There’s plenty of stuff in the fridge.”
“But there’s nothing tasty in there. Only dehydrated stuff. I want pizza.”
I had to admit, pizza sounded good. “Okay, what kind?”
“Papa Spock’s! Cheese and space olives please.”
I pulled my Nebkia out of my pocket and put in the coordinates for Papa Spock’s. “Thank you for calling Papa Spock’s! How may I help you?”
“I’d like to order a large pizza.”
“What toppings would you li-“
I sat there for a minute, waiting for him to finish his sentence. “Mister?” No answer. I looked at my phone. The called had dropped. “Are you kidding me?!” I screamed.
Antimony looked at me with wide eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“The stupid call dropped! Again! I’m so done with this stupid phone company!” I stood up and opened the window. Space began to suck the oxygen out of the room, but I didn’t care. I threw my Nebkia as hard as I could into space and closed the window.
My sister looked at me like I was insane. “What’s wrong with you?”
“I’m so done with my calls dropping!” I breathed. I walked over to the oxygen control and turned it up a little bit to compensate for what flew out of the window. I slouched down onto the couch, trying to catch my breath.
Suddenly, the ship began to shake violently. The furniture slid all over the place, and the electronics began to short out. All of the doors on the ship opened at once, and I saw Flubber fly by my face. “What’s going on?!” Antimony screamed.
I gripped the couch and held on as hard as I could. “I don’t know!” I looked out the window and saw stars moving more rapid than usual. I stood up carefully, trying to keep my body in motion with the ship to keep my balance. I stumbled to the window and saw something terrifying. A black hole had appeared exactly where I had thrown my phone.
“What do you see?” Antimony screamed.
“I think my phone created a black hole!” I gripped the shelves on the wall. The ship continued to move in all directions, making things fly all around the room. Suddenly, a large space rock pounded into the side of the ship, creating a gaping hole. The oxygen levels began to drop, and space began to such all of our things into oblivion. I heard my sister scream loudly and watched as she was sucked out of the ship and into the black hole. “No!”
Something flew by my face and hit the wall next to me. It was my portable mailing device, and I had one unread letter. It was from my phone company. I used one of my hands to open the document, and tried to read what it said. “It’s in klingon?!” I threw the device as hard as, causing me to lose my grip. I was sucked out of the ship into the black hole, cussing my phone company the whole way.