I sunk down into the leather seats with the silence eating away at me. I’ve hated red light since I was eight. People ignore red lights which causes innocent people to die. Death. Why do all these red lights make me think of death? Everyone we know will die at some point. Nick will die, that son of a b****. Johnny will die, ah he was so innocent. He’s got a lot going for him. Rory will move on, probably sooner than the rest of us. All that heroin eating away at her. Christina will die, preferably sooner than later. Is it absurd that a man would hate his wife more than anything in the world? More than himself? A beep knocks me out of me thoughts. The rest of my ride is melancholy until I get a phone call. Its Nick. I press the answer button on the steering wheel of my range rover. This is the car of the type of man I hate. I’m living the American dream. I’m an immigrant from Kinsale, Ireland; I made it rich off of wall street; I have a wife and a child that wait on me hand and foot, my life is set. At least it would be if that was who I was.

“Hey man, what's up?” There was a long pause that scared me. Nick had ADHD so there was never a quiet moment when he was around. “Cat got your tongue?” I tried again, adding a chuckle that I’d hoped would bring him around.

“Can you come over? I really… need you.” His voice was raspy and I could tell he’d been crying. He’d been my best friend for 30 years, we even immigrated to America together, I hated seeing him cry

“Yeah, I’ll be right over. You alright lad?”

“I will be.” He mumbled. I sighed and made a u-turn, heading towards Brooklyn. “Alright I really love you man.” I loved him more than anything in the world. I just wanted it to be me and him forever and always.

“I love you too, fag.” I chuckled and hung up. I always cringed when I had to say that word. I forbid myself to even think of that word while I’m myself. Not Kevin Brennan McMurry, father of a son he can’t call his own, husband to a wife he can’t even look at without gagging, who he hates more than himself. Himself. That’s how I was feeling at the moment. Masculinity coursed through my blood today. I put the code to his garage in and the gate opened. I parked the car in one of his reserved spots. I opened the overhead mirror and made sure I looked ok. I looked like just like Patrick Dempsey, my black hair, blue eyes, sharp jawline, and today, I loved it. I straightened my suit and sat for minute. This was the day I would tell him something I’ve wanted to say to him for 28 years. I wasn’t Kevin. I was Rowan. I opened the door of my car and walked to the lobby. I saw the receptionist and smiled.

“Hello Mr. McMurry! How are you today?” She was an absolute brute, but me being a grown man, I couldn't resist loving her company.

“Hi doll. I’m fine. How’s business today?” I looked around seeing only a man on his laptop in the cafe.

“I wouldn’t wanna keep ya with all that. Say hi to Mr. Rowland for me!” I smiled and walked into the elevator. I pressed the penthouse button and smiled to myself. Me and Nick had talked about the LGBT community before and both supported it. He always said he would love me no matter what. I hope that he keeps that promise.

The doors open and I walk off the elevator into his house. “Nick?” I say I look around and can’t find him. “Dominic? Are you home?” I shouted this time. I knocked on his bedroom door and opened it. I saw him sitting in a chair, still in a robe. His eyes were red and puffy. I felt my heart drop, I always hated seeing him cry.  

“What’s wrong Nick?” I stooped down next to him. He looked down at me with his deep blue eyes. I grabbed his hand. I didn’t care if we looked gay, he was the love of my life, and I hated seeing him sad.

“Kevin, there’s something I’ve gotta tell you. Promise me you won’t hate me. And wait until I’m done.” His voice absolutely broke my heart. He sounded so hurt.

“What is it?”

“I’m… I’m bisexual.” A huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I never would’ve thought, but I was glad he finally came out. I smiled at him and hugged him. He whimpered into my shoulder and I rubbed his back. He pulled away and I wiped a tear from his eye. He grabbed my hands and I sat on the chair across from him. “And I know that it’s probably not a big deal, but that’s not it. Kevin Brennan McMurry, I’m in love with you, and have been since I was 10. I know you’re married and all but I just needed to tell you this because I couldn’t sleep and I hated myself an-” I kissed him and felt him smile. I pulled away and smiled at him. I rubbed the back of his hand with my thumb. Now it was my turn. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

“Nick. I love you, forever and always, more than anything that ever existed. But, I’m not Kevin McMurry.” He had a confused look on his face. “I mean legally I am. I’m Rowan. I identify as a non-binary.” I exhaled. He looked taken aback. Finally, the fear kicked in. I finally felt the fear.

“I will love and support you no matter what. Forever and always.” He chuckled. He leaned over and kissed me.

“Ke- Rowan, I’m gonna sound absolutely batshit, but hear me out.” I nodded. “We don’t belong here I don't know if you feel it too but I just know supposed to be back in Kinsale. Or family, except for Rory who can come with, is there. There’s nothing for us in New York. Come with me. Let’s start a family there. I have tons left over from Gaelic Lightning. We can live off of that. ” At this point I was bawling my eyes out. I never thought I would be happy but I was with him. All I could do was nod. He smiled and kissed my forehead. He got dressed and grabbed my hand. I had never been so happy in my entire life. When he got back, his face turned serious.

“Rowan, can I ask you a very intrusive and serious question?” His black eyebrows were furrowed. I slowly nodded. My heart started to race, what could it be now?

“You ever thought of… y’know.. Ending it all?” He bit his lower lip. I sighed. To be honest, I thought about it all the damn time. Why wouldn’t I? I absolutely hated myself, I just wanted to disappear, make everyone’s life better. Christina would remarry to a guy even richer, I had six other siblings that could fill my place, Nick would move on eventually, I wouldn’t even be relevant in about five years.

I nodded. He leaned against the door frame.

“Would you do it with me? Sometime, we could both let go together.” I was taken aback by his words. He was usually the optimistic one. It took me a couple minutes to collect my thoughts.

“Just tell me when.” I said. He exhaled and pressed his forehead against mine.

It was time to head towards the airport. We walked out to his green lamborghini and drove to my house.

Once we got there, I saw Rory outside, smoking crack with one of her friends. I swear she looks just like 2009 Ke$ha, her black and blonde hair, her clothes, her green eyes.

“Hey Ror, do you wanna go to Baltimore finally?” Her face lit up, and she hugged me.

“Really? You know Baltimore is the heroin capital of the country! I love you so much bro!” She basically screamed. I knew i couldn’t convince her to come back to Kinsale just yet, but she’d come around. She had completely rid herself of her irish accent, she was now fully New York. She practiced a lot when she had first got here. Her transformation of 15 to 17 was amazing. She was a new person completely, and I kinda liked this badass version of my sister. Growing up, me siblings and I all went to a catholic school and we’re brought up by a very strict father. Rory was the most quiet and well behaved McMurry. After my father’s death, me mother thought it’d be best for her to move to New York and live with me. Rory was Christina’s favorite so she was all for the idea. A couple months later when she started shooting up and partying, we were all shocked. Christina was completely distraught and still to this day is holding a grudge towards Rory. It’s definitely cause some tension at home, but since we both hate Christina, Rory and I have bonded.I was definitely closet with her out of all my siblings

I started to walk up the steps of my house. I sighed and opened the door.

“Oh hi Kev, what are you doing here?” She was playing cars with “our” son. I always hated her Californian accent. It reminded me of her starbucks addiction, the yoga classes, the wealth she’d come from. “Say hi to daddy, Conan!” He wave his little hands to me. I rolled my eyes. This wasn’t my family. “Kev, I need to talk to you.” She smiled at me and walked towards me. She led me to “our” bedroom. She sat on the bed and smiled.

“Kev, you’re gonna be a daddy again!” I fell back against the wall. I couldn’t believe it.My worst nightmare. “Finnick Lucas McMurry. I can’t wait can you!?” I grabbed a duffel bag from out of the closet and threw all my s*** in it. “Kevin, what are you doing? Aren’t you happy? It’s your goddamn son!”
“F*** you Christina! I never loved you, and I swear I mean that from the bottom of my black Irish heart. Burn in hell you damned woman!” I yelled at her and I ran out of the house.

“Rory c’mon!” I yelled as I opened to passengers door. She clapped and held her head back cackling.

“Well done brother, way to make that sorry b**** feel our wrath!” Nick and I laughed and sped to the nearest subway station. I kissed Nick as we got out and Rory went all teenage girl bezerk. We laughed and walked hand in hand down to the platform. I kissed Rory’s forehead and hugged her small torso. I don’t know where she got her height from, all of my other sisters were 5’7- 5’9 and Rory was only 5’2. It’s funny because if you haven't picked up, Rory is a boy’s name that my parents absolutely fell in love with when the found out they were pregnant with their sixth child. My mom was convinced she had a boy and the name stuck even when we found out it was a girl. I walked over to the edge of the platform started balancing.

“Kev, becareful!” Rory shouted. I chuckled and kept pacing. Nick joined me, and I looked into his eyes. He nodded as I saw the