Time slipped me by, a silent entity that was unacknowledged. Days grew shorter and my time here was growing more and more sparse. My room was a soft baby pink that emitted a warmth, while various floral paintings decorated the walls an attempt at giving the childish room a slight sense of maturity. The fond aroma of my blazing candles set my mind at ease. The smell was earthy and mellow, a concoction of sandal wood, pine and pipe tobacco. I was dreading packing, but I had to start at some point. Reluctantly, I began sifting through the room looking at the decorations and memories deciding what to hump down through the move with me.
My room was immaculate in cleanliness, but organization was never my forte. Clothing was scattered, but what more would be expected of an eighteen year old girl? I walked over to my dresser an oddity in the room, I dodged the landmines of clothes in my trajectory. I stood at the awkwardly low furnishing, it was garnished in picture frames, lotions and potions. I studied the pictures, illuminated faces of my friends hid behind the gleaming glass. I grabbed one of the many tattered frames. A generic photo of Jackie and I dwelled the frame.
We were on the beach, sprawled in the sand, waves crashing in the background, as the sun glared through the camera lense and we were laughing. A beautiful candid. I smirked, remembering that day and many more spent on the beach absorbing the sun’s rays. I flipped the frame over, removing the back. I wanted to physically hold the little piece of paper. I wanted to be as close to the memory as possible. I fidgeted with the back of the frame until it popped off. Gingerly, I removed the photo and caressed it in my hands.
It felt strange in my hands. I studied the stiff piece of paper, twirling it around. Nothing was apparently wrong with the slip of glossy print. Then I noticed it. The corner was peeling back, and it was separating in an odd way. I began to pull apart the photo, uncertain of what lay beneath. Blotched ink revealed itself. Another memory was hidden within the frame. I fully peeled apart the two pictures, revealing a long forgotten time of my life.
Tears welled in my eyes as emotions flushed through me. My hands quaked and my grip grew faulty. I scrambled to keep the photo in my grasp. Breathing became impossible, my breaths were short and uncontrollable. Nausea overtook my core, making my heart throb. My vision was blurred but I kept my eyes fixated on the picture. The still image danced through my mind.
I could still feel the heat radiating from the fire. I could still smell the cold and damp forest floor. I could still see the smiles stupidly slapped across their faces, and illuminated by the flames light. It was a photo of pure and genuine happiness, filled to the brim with pure love. A contradiction to what I felt. The photo entailed a night out camping, where all my near and dear friends hunkered down by a stone ringed fire, tents decorated the background, nobody truly focused on the camera, we all were far too distracted to do that, but we all beamed. The night replayed through my head…

The fire roared with an untameable power that Heides would be jealous of. Stars glistened above, peering through the swaying pines. I sat there leaning against him, his arm draped around me. A shield of protection from the bite of the brisk summer night. Laughter bounced off the trees surrounding us. The night felt surreal, as though I was in limbo between a dream and reality. I listened to his rhythmic heartbeat; I tapped my fingers to its tempo. My eyelids felt heavy from tranquility. His friends and mine huddled around the fire, drunk off life and alcohol. Poisoning their bloodstream and their sober thoughts. My gaze was fixated on the animated flames.
I sat there with a murky brown bottle cracked open, but it had never met my lips. I was never the type to drink, alcoholism was in my blood and I did not want to conjure up that demon, not ever. Typically, I would wander off and dump it, or I would hand it off to someone else and let them dispose with the foul brew, but I had not found the time.
“Not going to drink that?” James flicked the rim of the bottle, the bottle tinged.
I smiled meekly, “Oh no, uhm..” I glanced down, the fire appeared contorted through the glass.
He smirked, “I know.” he took the bottle from my hold and placed it on the pine covered ground, “Don’t worry about it.”
I chewed my inner cheek and looked up at him, my stomach fluttered. His ebony hair was darker than the night that engulfed us. The luster of the fire highlighted his facial structure, making his face somehow seem even more sculpted. I found myself lost in his flecked hazel eyes, the fire was captured within them, and it was enticing.
“Lydia!” Claire bellowed with a Twisted Tea in her clutch. Her words were slurred and her smile was slack.
I jumped to attention, “What’s up Claire?”
Her steps were uncoordinated but got her where she wanted to go, “Moriah and Rob are here!” she began to topple but grabbed my arm for stability. Her waist long hair shrouding her face, the blue of her eyes pierced through her sandy locks.
I laughed and tucked her hair behind her ears, revealing her genuine face, “You good?”
She gained back her balance, “I’m perfect!” she threw out her arms in over exaggeration, this gesture caused her petite frame to stagger.
I shook my head in amusement.
Then, as if on cue a mud drenched jeep rolled up, its lights blinding me. I covered my eyes with my forearm and waved aimlessly. The old jeep was battered but still did above and beyond what it should do. Abruptly the vehicle jerked to a halt and the engine stopped purring and the lights turned off. Moriah jumped down from the elevated vehicle, and mud splattered beneath her feet. Her once white vans were unrecognizable.
“Sup guys! What’s happening.” Moriah scuffed her feet as she walked towards us. Her long, caramel colored hair bounced behind her. She immediately plopped herself next to the fire, sprawling back in the lawn chair she snapped open a bud, lounging like a one of the boys watching the game.
Rob leapt out of the car, along with a tray of drinks in his hands, “Who ordered the Dunks?” his face was overly amused with himself, as usual. His ego oozed out of him.
James raised his hand, “Over here man.”
Rob nodded and swaggered over to James and I, “A hot drink for the hot lady, and a nice iced coffee for the lad.” narcissism exuded from him at a constant flow.
“Thanks man.” James nodded, not offended by the generic Rob comments.
I looked at Rob, my brows pressed. In return he raised his, scrunching his forehead causing his spiked black hair to slide back on his head.
Rob patted James on the back and walked towards an open seat.
I held the scalding drink in my hands, appreciating the toastiness of the presumed coffee, “You didn’t have to do that.”
“What?” James acted dumbfounded, he rested his chin on top of my head.
I sighed, “Well I really appreciate it.” I nestled myself further into him.
He pulled my hair to the side, “You’re welcome.” he kissed my cheek, his stubble tickling my skin.
“Guys!” Olivia’s voice pierced through the soft murmurs, “We need to take a picture!” she quickly stood up, detaching herself from Chris. Her platinum blonde strands tied up in a fan shape atop of her head, it bobbled with her head as she giddily strode in front of the fire. She began fiddling with her phone. She squinted from the brightness of the screen, her fair skin now appearing translucent. Finally, she set up the timer on her phone's camera and somehow managed to prop it up on a boulder, “Okay ten seconds!” she darted towards Chris and pounced on him laughing, “3, 2, 1… Cheese!”
I beamed, flashing my teeth for a split second. The flash shuttered.
Tiffany uncoordinatedly lurched from Chris once more and scampered to her device, “Awe, that’s a keeper.” her voice was kind and maternal.
Tears splashed on the photo, causing the image to blur. Deep in my chest there was a throbbing, as though someone had plunged a dagger through my heart. Questions flooded my brain and I felt lost in a labyrinth of emotions. I pondered if I could have stopped it, why it was me who was still here, and how it could’ve happened. I was drowning in my emotions, choking on my tears. A dozen memories surged through my mind. The sobs wouldn’t relent…
Mid Afternoon light cascaded in from the window down onto the vast bed. I laid there motionless, absorbing the warmth of the sun and taking in the moment. He lay next to me; we both simply stared at each other in the most innocently intimate way. The room was still, but dust danced through the rays of sun. His dark hair was in tufts and his eyes had these golden flecks which seemed to have harvested from the sun's most beautiful beams. I watched his jaw clench and relax repeatedly. After what felt like a beautiful eternity he reached his hand out and caressed my face and smiled, the warmth of his soul emanated through his palms. He came closer and embraced me. The aroma of his skin was intoxicating. His steamy breath on my neck sent shivers down my spine.
“This is so weird.” my words were hushed but held a concentrated power.
His brows pressed together forming deep creases, “What do you mean?”
“I mean I’m not the type of person to let other people in. But I let you in.” my stare intensified, “You’re different.”
“You are too.” he had this potency about him at this moment.
My heart frisked, his raspy words made me swoon. I didn’t have words, my mind drew a tranquil blank and drifted away, and we both fell into a deep slumber…
I began to convulse. Breathing was beyond excruciating, and I hoped the lack of oxygen would suffocate me. I still sat there, unmoved. Still holding this little piece of paper. This flimsy little square was causing more pain than a hot blade slicing through my flesh ever could. A blade is merely physical, this pain was so much more complex and concentrated. Blood pounded in my head, and that was all I could hear. My heart was screaming from within my chest, and I was the only one who could hear it. The pain cut even deeper than I remembered.
The still and humid summer air seeped in through my open bedroom window. Nerves pricked like needles on every inch of my skin, my stomach churned with nausea. Hesitantly, I began slipping through the window, knocking a candle from my window sill. I winced as it fell. But no one in the house stirred. The damp atmosphere from outside slapped me across the face. My heart raced. I had never done anything like this, I had never even tried. The bleak of the night covered my tracks. I crept down the lattice work and snuck off into the void of darkness.
Nervously, I jogged down the street to the SUV parked under the single street lamp on my road. The passenger pivoted open before I had even arrived. I plopped into the car and we drove off. I reached back and fastened my seatbelt from muscle memory.
Rob leaned forward from the back left seat, “Glad you could tag along for the journey.”
“Me too.” I answered with a short breath.
I peered over to the silhouette next to me. No words, just a simple peck on the cheek. I was unsure if he could see my face but I smiled and returned the gesture feeling his cheek grin under my lips.
I pushed my limits for this simple reason, him.
Headlights approached...
I escalated from quietly crying to ungodly wailing. I lost all control. The picture was no longer in my grasp. I cupped my hands over my mouth to muffle the screams. Every muscle in my body was clenched, unable to become relaxed. You never forget the sound of metal being crushed. It’s undescribable. It’s blood curdling. And that’s all I could hear…
The sound of metal being demolished echoed infinitely. My head was spinning, vertigo was the only thing I could feel. My eyes were foggy, and nothing was right. I was flustered, uncertain of anything. I felt a warm trickle down my temple, instinctively I placed my hand to see what it was. A warm sticky liquid coated my fingers, blood. My heart sunk below any depth I could have fathomed. I frantically looked around, my vision slowly clarifying. A shattered window lay before me, spider liked cracks crept all through the glass. Quick flashes of headlights popped into my memory. We were hit. I looked over to James. James was slumped down, unmoving.
“Oh my god.” My voice was weak along with every other fiber of me.
No response.
“James, you have to wake up.” I twinged as I unfastened my seat belt and began trying to get him up straight. I managed to get his shoulders square. When I saw his face vile filled my throat. Flesh poured out of deep lacerations and dried blood cracked over the entirety of his face. I caressed his face in my hands, “James!”
No response.
“Rob!” I squirmed until I was facing the back of the SUV.
No response from Rob either, his head was lolled back and his limbs were limp.
“Okay, okay uhm…” panic gnawed away at me, I began patting my pockets and James’ until I found a phone. As I frantically dialed I smeared traces of blood on the numbers.
“911 what’s your emergency?” a monotone voice questioned.
I tried to speak but words failed.
“Are you there?” The voice remained the same.
“Uh, yeah.” my voice cracked as I tried to compose myself to ensure my audibility, “We’ve been involved in a hit and run.” my whole body twitched and shook.
“Okay, where are you?”
I looked around, “I- I don’t know…” I saw a green road sign in the distance, “Maple Ave?” my voice had now completely unraveled into hardly decipherable cries.
“Okay dispatch is on its way.” still monotone, “Is anyone with you and if so is anyone hurt.”
I said nothing.
“Mam?”
I inhaled unsteadily, “Yes, two others. Both are unresponsive.” my tears stung my open wounds.
“Okay remain calm, and stay where you are.”
I did as I was told. Seconds felt like eons. And after an eternity I saw flashing blue lights.
More and more lights came, blue, white and red. A man came to my window his face was obsolete. He escorted me from the SUV. My left leg protested function every step. Shrapnel and shards decorated my skin. But any pain was absent. The man sat me down, and cocooned me in a fleece blanket on the edge of the ambulance. He said something, but I didn't hear it. Rather, I sat there blankly staring at him. The white noise I heard was deafening.
I gawked as the forced James’ door open. The metal contorting even further under the force. Finally, the door was off. It fell silently. James body was loose as they dragged him out. I tried to stand up, but fiery pain shot through my leg. I clenched my jaw. Then, life was unmuted. Sirens, yelling, and screams. I heard them directing each other and having conversation.
“How's the girl?”
“She’s lucky to be alive. Nearly unscathed.”
“What about the boys?”
“They’re rough. Real rough.”
An EMT bustled by me, “Excuse me!”
He stopped in his path, struck by my voice. He pivoted on his heels, “Yes, are you alright?”
“How the hell would you be?” my question was rhetorical and oozed attitude, “How are my friends?”
He got really uncomfortable, “You should really just worry about yourself for now.”
I grabbed his arm and looked over to James on the cold cement, still motionless. People swarmed him but nothing was clear to me, “No. You need to tell me what’s going on.”
A sympathetic sigh, “Your friends they’re in rough shape. The driver, he…” he trailed off, but conjured words, “He’s lost a lot of blood, and he has shrapnel in clean through his chest. We can’t move him. But we can’t leave him either…”
Time passed. Denial set in. This couldn’t happen. We were children. But death has no perception of age. It doesn’t see innocent youth, or the plagued elderly. It merely sees souls to collect. And that night death reaped two of the most beautiful souls to ever grace this earth. White sheets covered their bodies. A symbol of their purity, as genuine as they were. It hid the gruesome and contorted shells that lay beneath them and cloaked them in nobility.
Love and loss intertwined with ignorant youth. I may have survived the crash, but I also died. I died in a sense that who I was then is non existent. I often ponder if James would still love me. This question haunts me as much as his memory. He loved my blissfulness, my laugh, my naive nature. But none of that existed anymore. I laugh, but not as I did. And the bliss that filled me was replaced with heartache. The loss lingered; privation overtook.