A kiss. It’s simple really, two lips touching, maybe some tongue. In a friendly way, but typically between two people that like like each other. I've had eleven kisses, but there were only two that truly meant something to me after they happened. they both happen to be with girls, both with my ex girlfriends. to understand those, you must know what led up to that, starting with my first kiss.

My first kiss happened when i was fourteen, with my first boyfriend. we had broken up a week before the kiss due to my mom finding out. he was cute, with long curly hair that i loved to run my fingers through. we got together after school one day and he took my hand before leaning in to kiss me. it was sweet, a simple peck and i felt his lips on mine for the rest of the weekend. nothing else happened between us, but I was happy to have had my first kiss.

The second one occurred several months later with a completely different guy. we had been best friends since seventh grade but had recently lost touch and were in the process of catching up. I had always had a small crush on him and he always knew. but for once, he was flirting back. he offered to walk me home and i gladly agreed. when we got to my block he asked for a hug to which i gladly obliged and asked, batting my eyes “or something more?” there was a moment of hesitation and confirmation that it was okay and he leaned in to kiss me. it was off, his large lips that i always thought were cute, completely missed my mouth. I call it a half kiss, as only half of our lips actually touched.
The third kiss i’d ever had was with my best friend’s ex- boyfriend. we had met on Halloween at my best friend’s house. He was kind of a jerk, but he was funny, so i kept him around. one day we made plans and I was to go over his house while his parents were out. of course, my mom needed me home for some reason and i had to cancel. i had a small amount of time and he offered to walk me home. He didn't hold my hand or do anything romantic. It wasn’t like that between us and that was okay. we went to an abandoned parking lot by my house and we made out. it was the first time i had someone else’s tongue in my mouth and i weirdly enjoyed it. he was good at it and i was so distracted by it that i didn’t even know his hand was wandering down my shirt.

My fourth kiss was with my first real boyfriend. i say “real” because the first relationship lasted more than a few days. He was a guy that i’d been crushing on for almost a year who wouldn’t admit it, but had liked me for that long too. we would flirt in class and everyone named us the couple that should be. Finally, after a year of flirting and denying he liked me, we placed a small bet and since I won, he had to kiss me. so we went behind the stairs where no one would see us and i waited for him to kiss me. of course, he had never kissed anyone so he was waiting for me to make the first move. in the middle of a short rant about how i wasn’t going to make the first move he leaned in and kissed me. it was short and sweet resulting in him saying “satisfied?” and being smug, i said nope. so he arrogantly replied “then i guess we’ll have to try again”, smirking, before i stood on my toes to kiss him again. after our second kiss, he asked me out and we dated for three weeks until i had my a second kiss and more with number three.

my fifth kiss was with a boy at my new school. I had only known him for two months but i was deeply smitten with him. he was a church boy, pure of heart and i was blinded by the chance to change. he knew nothing about my past and i knew if he did he would run the other way. so we became friends and one day I decided to tell him how i felt. he played with my heart for weeks and one day i asked for a kiss. one to soothe my heart and help me get over him. he quickly agreed, eager to gain experience he knew i had. we snuck to the basement after school and kissed. he held me by the waist and leaned in, but something felt off. it wasn’t so much bad but it just felt strained and wrong. like we didn’t fit together. we dated for three days a few weeks later and again i ended things.

Kiss six was my first kiss with a girl. I had always known i was bisexual, but i had kept it to myself in fear of being judged. I had met her on my first day at my new school and she quickly befriended me. soon after ending things with number five, I began to notice her in a new light. i slowly fell for her and luckily she felt the same about me. she had once mentioned that she liked girls too so I knew i at least had a chance with her. risking it all, i took a shot and told her i liked her. she liked me back, but we didn’t start dating, although i really wanted to. she took me out once to a kid’s movie i never would have picked, but i didn’t care because i was with her. a few weeks later she invited me over and we went for a long walk. she took my hand and told me i needed to take control and ask for what i wanted. we played in the snow and climbed up an old lifeguard chair. she was so different than the people i usually liked, so carefree and fun. it was a nice change. i stared at her for a while and she claimed she knew what i was going to say but made me say it anyway. i liked how she challenged me. i asked for a kiss, she said yes but that i had to make the first move. it took a few moments to gain the courage to do it but i finally got it and leaned in to kiss her. it was sweet and romantic and i was instantly filled with joy. which hurt when i feel from that bliss a few days later when she ended things.

Kiss seven. Finally we’re up to one of the two important kisses in my life. this is The first one, lets call her girl c. she was only in my life for a short while. we dated for a short time but in that time she changed my life. she was my first real girlfriend and she meant a lot to me. of course our relationship only lasted a week but thats a long time in my book. i can’t hold steady relationships and this was the first time i felt like i could. she broke up with me and i was left floundering about what i could so to get over her.

Our first kiss together was awkward and we ended up hysterical laughing about it. we had both leaned in and our noses somehow bumped, causing her to get embarrassed. i begged her to try again and when we finally stopped laughing long enough to kiss, it was perfect. she was hands down the best kisser i’d known. she knew exactly what she was doing and was so confident about it. it was sexy.

Then something amazing happened, she suddenly wanted me back. She liked me again and wanted to be with me. she would flirt back with me and we were having fun again, it wasn’t strained like it had been and i thought things were going in the right direction. Then something amazing happened, she kissed me. not like a peck but a full on make out session. Our tongues were entangled and hands were roaming. it was incredibly hot and i played with her neck in that spot her friends told me about. everything was going good, and i almost forgot for a second that she still had a girlfriend. but of course reality clicked in and i had to deal with her consequences.

Her girlfriend confronted me and i didn’t hide a thing, I didn’t lie like most people would in my situation. I told her the truth, I hooked up with your girlfriend and i’m not at all sorry for that. of course she got angry, and called me many choice words that in time she’s apologized for. But at the time I wasn’t sorry, I had no reason to be. i was harmlessly flirting and she came on to me, that’s not my fault. Sure, maybe i shouldn’t have kissed her back but when you finally get a chance to be with the one you’ve always wanted are you really going to turn it down due to a few technicalities? No, at least i wouldn’t.

what hurt the most is how she hurt me. my conversation with her girlfriend ended with us both in tears. and what happened next was even worse, I was crying in my best friend’s arms and she walked right past me to comfort her girlfriend. didn’t even give me a second look and that hurt the worst. in the end, no shock she chose her. she said she was sorry but i could tell in her eyes that she was never going to choose me. the look of want and love in her eyes was gone and replaced with regret and guiltiness for what she did.

Kiss eight was a surprise. I had asked one of my closest friends to kiss me before i had ever kissed a girl. she said yes but it was going to be a surprise. after three months passed, i assumed she forgot and eventually i forgot too. then one day her and her crush were playing around and accidently punched me in the face. It hurt quite a bit and in order to make me feel better she grabbed my face and kissed me on the lips before i could realize what happened.

Kiss nine was a mistake. I mostly dated him to get Girl c jealous. at one point i did like him, but that point faded quickly. i hate admitting that but i wanted her back and i thought the only way to do that was to make her jealous. of course she ended up not caring at all but that wasn’t the point. I just wanted her attention and i apparently didn’t care who i hurt in the mean time. so I kissed him. it wasn’t good at all. his tongue poked around my mouth like a dart and he tasted like bad pizza.

Kiss number ten. this one i often look back on and think about, but not in the way you think. i sort of feel bad about it. I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life, but this was probably the worst. I’ve been led on so many times in my life so i know how much it hurts, and maybe thats why i did it. to hurt her. she was girl c’s girlfriend and she was hopelessly crushing on me. so i pretended to like her, i flirted with her and she was putty in my hands. now don’t judge me but i knew this would work, like i said she had a huge crush on me. so i led her on and told her i wanted her to kiss me, despite the fact she was still dating girl c. she didn’t seem to care either and when we were alone she pulled me back and gave me a quick peck on the lips that made a sound as we pulled away. it didn’t really mean anything to me but you could tell i had just made her day. then i started to feel guilty, i insisted she tell girl c. she did, but it did not have the reaction i was expecting at all. girl c almost encouraged us to start dating, even though she was deeply in love with her. it was something, to this day i will never understand.

Lastly, kiss number eleven, the second most important kiss. i was having a sleepover with three of my friends at one of their house’s. i had a crush on my closest of the three friends and i had told her only hours before at the park. she didn’t say anything back, which i took as she doesn’t like me but i was wrong. we snuck upstairs to my friend’s bedroom and i smiled at her for the millionth time that day. “could i kiss you?” i asked shyly. something about her made me completely nervous. she surprisingly said yes and i leaned in to kiss her. she’s the second best kiss i’ve ever had, almost beating girl c. it lasted a few moments until we were interrupted by our two giggling friends. they knew exactly what we had been up to and asked us to guard the door while they did the same. i kept my hand entangled in hers as we watched the door and i smiled finally to have found someone who i thought saw the real me.

we started dating, but there was a huge obstacle for us. we lived over an hour away. we tried long distance but only lasted a few weeks. there was the constant pressure for both of us to cheat that we didn’t want to give into. we agreed we were better as friends and broke up. she broke my heart, as weeks later i still think about her. i miss her but i know there’s no going back.
there you have it, eleven kisses. the first, the miss, the friend, the real, the weird, the one i wont forget, the one i can’t forget, the surprise, the mistake, the revenge, and the one i miss.