That moment I saw you in those poorly lit hallways back in high school, I knew that you’d always be the most perfect person I would ever cross paths with. I’m not exactly sure what caught my eye first, those beautiful eyes, bluer than the sky on a bright summer day, or that smile that could light up a room instantly. I had no idea who you were, not a name or anything, but I instantly gained a little crush on you and boy, did it drive me crazy every time I passed you.

I don’t think you had ever noticed me until that day I went up to one of my friends and you just so happened to be hanging out with him. I can see why you wouldn’t notice a weird girl like me, dull blonde hair that has no shine and no makeup. Yeah, because that’s exactly what catches a guy’s attention, especially guys like you. This time was different though, you kept looking at me all sly like. We eventually caught eyes and you flashed me that wonderful smile. Man, did that make my day.

After that day, I tried my hardest to get your attention in any way possible besides actually talking to you. I changed my hairstyle and clothes; I even started wearing makeup just to grasp the slightest glimpse from you. I mean, I always wanted to change my style but you just gave me a reason to follow through with it. The transformation worked though because the day I came to school with this new style, you approached me and complimented me. You even introduced yourself. Sid, I had always loved that name and I love it even more now. We had a little conversation about something boring, like the weather or something along those lines; I can’t fully remember because I was in such shock that you, the most perfect guy, was talking to me.

You continued to approach me every day after that which was still so surprising to me, but it made me incredibly happy. I was able to keep a conversation going this time without mixing up my words or stuttering as if I had a speech impediment. I can actually remember that conversation, the one about how our week was going and such. As we went off our separate ways, you handed me a little folded note with your phone number in it and a message that said “Smile, you’re beautiful.” Reading that note put me in a crazy, almost high-like trance.
That weekend passed and I hadn’t called, not because I didn’t want to talk but because I was too scared to even dial the number. I was hoping you didn’t notice because even though I had a huge crush on you, I was too nervous to talk to you. You noticed though and even asked why I didn’t call, to which I made up some lame excuse and you insisted on getting my number instead. I was so envious of your braveness.

We held long conversations about our days or more personal and deeps subjects, such as our hopes and fears, in person and over the phone after that first phone call. My feelings for you grew more and more everyday as the closer we became. I hoped and prayed that you were starting to develop feelings for me as well.

That summer came and you graduated but I still had another two years to go. You started going to the local community college that summer but that didn’t stop you from talking to some stupid high school student. I remember coming home from a quick trip the minute mart to a voicemail asking if I wanted to hang out that coming weekend. We had never hung out outside of school before so this was a big step. I quickly called you back after I exploded with excitement. When I asked what we’d do, you said it’d be a picnic date in the park. I don’t think you’ll ever know how loud I squealed after you hung up. No guy had ever asked me out on a date before.

That date turned out to the beginning of our relationship and I think it was a great start considering it was one of the best days ever. Our first kiss was actually my first kiss and it was beyond perfect. I was so head over heels for you at this point.

I was almost done with my junior year in school when I dropped out to move in with you in that tiny little apartment a few towns over. I never thought I would drop out of high school, but you wanted to move as far as you could out of this terrible small town. I didn’t mind though, it was nice to get out of there, especially away from my parents. They were always trying to get me to move out as soon as I turned 16. It always hurt me that they wanted me gone, but I was with you, and you made me invincible.

Time flew by and we had been together for four years at this point and our relationship was still strong. We had been through a lot at that point; fights, bills, almost being evicted and so forth, but that never changed how much I loved you or how those bright blue eyes could easily calm me in a matter of seconds. Being in our twenties, we were legally able to drink all we want. Boy, did we take advantage of that. I remember you telling me about how I drunkenly told you the story of when I first saw you, slurring my words all the while. I still can’t remember telling you though, I must’ve drunk too much and blacked out that night.

On our 5th anniversary you proposed to me. Our whole relationship seemed like such a short amount of time, but it felt like I had known you my whole life. There was always a small part of me that felt like you never loved me as much as I loved you, but this proved me wrong in so many ways.
A year after the proposal, I found out I was two months pregnant. I kept this a secret from you for a good week because I was scared but also excited to become a parent, but I was so excited to tell you and see how you would react. We had been married for a few good months now and we weren’t doing too well together. The late nights you spent drinking with your friends and how you seemed to be constantly irritated with me and not interested in spending much time with me, only at night. I was hoping that since I was pregnant, it would help you get over whatever you were going through, whatever it may have been. I should’ve been more terrified to tell you than excited because those words you said to me, shattered me like a window that had been hit by a rock.

“Why would I ever want to have a child with someone like you? It’ll be more worthless than you yourself.” You screamed at me.
I can still hear you yelling that over and over again in my head, as if the voice in my head was a broken record. I had been so excited to tell you, but your reaction shot me down instantly. The fight we had dragged on for what felt like eternity. Tears streamed down my face the whole time, leaving a smeared line of face makeup and mascara down my cheeks.

What made you so angry at me, I’ll never know. I understand you never wanted children, but I don’t see why you had to erupt like that. It literally felt like you ripped my chest open with a rusty knife and stabbed me right in the heart. Never in my life had I felt a pain and humiliation like this. You kicked me out of my own home and refused to speak to me and explain what was going on.

Sid, honey, what you don’t know is how I can’t even function anymore. Writing you this letter was a struggle because I realized how you’re the person that showed me how to be myself, overcome all the fears that have haunted me my whole life and come out of that shell that I was trapped in for years.

Yesterday when my phone rang with your name on the screen in big letters, it gave me a little hope that your feelings towards me changed, but I was wrong once again. I tried my hardest not to let you hear me cry, but once you said those words, I knew it was over for good.
I hope you remember all of this, Sid, from the moment we met to that last phone call because when you read this you’ll know what I did. And I hope that the memory of me haunts you for the rest of your life and every time you hear my name, a piece of you dies inside. You were my world and I thought I was yours too, but clearly, I had been mistaken. I just wish that things could have been different between us and we could have raised that precious baby to become a wonderful person, but now we can’t.

They say killing yourself is a sin, so I guess I’ll be spending eternity in hell with you, honey.