I was scheduled to leave the hospital before noon. While waiting for Taylor to pick me up, I packed my things in a small duffel bag; mostly toiletries and undergarments. I didn't bring much stuff to begin with. The rain battered on my room's window, sending long fingers of water trailing down the glass and the steady drumming of the pour. I sat on the edge of the bed, pulling my sweater closer to my body; craving for heat. Taylor must already be on his way now, probably stuck in an inevitable traffic jam along the way.


I scooted over the bed to get more space and deciding to take a quick nap when my hand pressed on something smooth and hard like a pearl. I reflexively lifted my hand and saw what it was. It was a small seashell; half of it was a soft pastel colour and the other half was like the colour of a baby's cheek. Rosy pink. The colour of his lips. My heart sank like an anchor thrown into the ocean. This was the seashell he picked out for me when we were at the beach, laying on the blanket; our feet barely touching the calming strokes of the sea. It must have fell out of my bag somehow. I did not know I still kept it with me until now.


The presence of the rain made it easier to relive that moment again. I closed my eyes and curled my hand around the seashell, grazing the smooth surface with my fingertips, willing the memory to return. Even though it would break me. Even though it would pull me into sadness again. I did not have the slightest care at that moment. All I could think of was the saltiness in the air, the assuring sound of the waves crashing the shore, the secure feeling in my heart because of his presence. Beside me. Making me feel safe.


Joe was talking about travelling; around the world, meeting new people, learning different accents while pointing at the sky as if showing me the roads he would take. Then we would race down the beach and he would purposely slow himself down to let me win. He denied it, but I knew.


And then the rain came. I was telling him that we should head back to the car--afraid that we would both get sick--but instead he did the most unexpected thing. He scooped me in his arms and spun me around in the downpour. I let out a small cry and wrapped my hands tightly around him; my feet and body were off the ground, lifted in his embrace. Then Joe misplaced his feet and we went stumbling into the sand. I remembered we laughed until we cried. He pulled me to my feet again and we danced in the rain. We were pulled in and out of each other, our feet kicking the sand and swallowed by it. Joe took my hand and twirled me around and catching me again and we laughed until our stomachs felt like it was about to burst open. In the end, he pulled me in an embrace and hugged me tightly and whispered those three words in my ear and I could swear it was the happiest moment in my life.


When I opened my eyes again, I realized my cheeks were wet. I cupped my mouth with my hand to will the sickening feeling in my stomach away. Every fiber in my body hurt and I rocked my body back and forth to make the pain go away; the aching feeling in my chest that was starting to suffocate me, the knot in my stomach that stabbed me from the inside.


The memory: that was before the dark evening he pushed me away until I fell and bleed. Before he decided to marry Ashlee and threw me away like a piece of used tissue paper. Before he broke my heart into ten thousand pieces until I wished I was dead.