Closing my eyelids I imagined… imagined myself falling into water. Maybe a pool or better yet the cleansing ocean: with salty liquid splashing around my figure and sucking me deep within its depths. It would be better than this. The image in my mind was so vivid – it was like I could feel the sensation ripple through my body. My head rolled back and I sighed.
Opening my eyes I glanced at the sky, bargaining with the clouds to let loose the rain drops that they have been holding back for the past week. Summer had just come around and the heat radiated off of me. I needed something…I needed him.
I’m no classic love story – ha! I wish. You know there is always the girl (one amongst loads of others) who gets chosen and finds love. I’m part of the “others”. Most times I don’t mind. I’m not the shallow girl who lets a guy control her, who would do just about anything to be liked, who is desperate to never be alone. I am an independent girl. I know what I want. I achieve all my dreams…but…there are times when I feel, I feel so…
A rain drop lands on my cheek, mixing with my tears. Falling back against the soft grass I imagine strong arms cradling me, holding me against his muscular chest… I feel a tender hand sliding across back, lingering on my shoulder… Soft lips kissing my neck…
But when I open my eyes I am alone. There is an aching within me. For some sort of physical contact. It’s not like I’m in love with anyone. Not one boy has caught my eye. Sometimes I wonder if my dream guy is just that – a dream. Is it possible for the type of boy I want doesn’t even exist? I take a deep breath and let it out slowly – picturing all my mixed up emotions flowing out of me with it. But inside I am still empty.
I am not needy. I do not depend on someone else to make me happy. But I need…something? Someone? I wipe the liquid from my under my eye as rain start to fall harder. I visualize it washing away – everything. I close my eyes and feel the drops tickling across my skin, my bare legs, my neck, my collar bones…
Stretching I push my chest forward and roll onto my stomach. The constant music from our next door neighbors plays a song that I like. Pressing my hands into the dirt I push myself up – pulling the bottom of my dress up. I whip my hair around (rain soaked) and move forward dancing to the beat. Spreading my arms out, turning, sliding against the slippery grass, rolling back my shoulder, pumping my chest out…
A smile creeps onto my face as I dance in the rain. A type of therapy I guess. Still alone I dance for hours. I have found my true love. Nature, rain, music – it fills the empty space in my soul. Even though I know this happiness is short lived and that soon the aching will return – I relish the freedom, the pleasure.