I wake up with my eyes and throat still groggy due to the events that happened not long ago. I can feel the puffiness of my eyes and I just know they’re red. I don’t feel the warmth of his body beside mine. I’m left reflecting at what looks to be like a late night or early morning due to the darkness coming out the window. I can’t stop replaying the moments that happened only hours ago. The yelling, the tears, the throwing. The feeling of disappointment. When did this all go so wrong? We were so happy not long ago. He was my best friend but now it’s like I don’t know the man who shares the same surname as me. He’s just so different. Or maybe I changed? Maybe I got tired of waiting for him to come home every day later and later and later. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I am selfish. Or maybe he just can’t admit he’s wrong. All these thoughts hurt my head. I get up wanting to leave my bedroom, which makes me overthink everything.

I walk down the stairs and turn on the TV flipping through the different channels trying to distract myself but I always find myself thinking about what was and what could’ve been. I start to think so much my brain hurts. I think about how I’m probably the problem and I’m going to have to be the one who apologizes first and explain how I’m in the wrong for complaining about his work. It’s always been a problem though. It’s like he focuses more on his work than our relationship and at first, it was fine, I get it. He has to work. It's not like he has a choice but he can’t seem to find a good life-work balance. 

About a couple of months ago I started to have a little conversation in my head, that really put into perspective this relationship. I started to begin thinking about what it would be like for us to have a family and how it would look like. Would he still be busy with work? Will I be stuck at home every day taking care of our child that he won’t even see often? Would our kid grow up in a bad environment due to all our yelling? These thoughts never seemed to escape my mind. I wondered if I could continue. It was all so stressful, especially when we had to pretend to be a perfect couple in front of our friends and family. I started to ask myself would I really like to live like this my whole life? Would I really want my kids to grow up in a non-loving environment? The more I thought about it the more it broke my heart because even though all the pain he has caused me I still loved him yet I felt like it was slowly destroying me. I could feel my heartache as if it were to be crushed and run over by car a million times. With all the thinking in my head, I decided it was best to just go back to bed and deal with it at a later time. 

2 Months Later….

After talking with myself and weighing out my pros and cons, I contacted my lawyer and decided that this was the best thing to do not only for me but for him as well. This relationship felt more like a burden than anything else and I knew that he felt the same way even though we still had a love for each other.

The day prior to today I met with my lawyer where he told me that the papers were ready and that they just needed to be signed by us. I still remember him asking me if I would prefer him or me to serve my soon-to-be ex-divorce papers. I remember his soothing and calm voice asking with what seemed to be much concern. I remember the determined look I gave him when I said I would do it myself. I had to. It would be the only way for me to finally feel like I have control over some aspect of my life. 

Now, I stand in front of his office door mustering the courage to knock. Once I took a deep breath and calmed myself down I knocked on his door, a part of me hoping he wasn’t in his office but as soon as I heard his firm “come in” I knew this was something I had to face and so I did. I opened the door with a look of determination written on my face. I didn’t care for greetings, my only plan was to go in and out as fast as possible.

“I want a divorce,” I told him voice turning colder with each word that left my mouth as if I were made of ice. I could see confusion and hurt written all over his face. 

“Why?” he asked with hurt in his eyes. 

“I’m tired of living a life at the expense of others and of constant pretending. You know why. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be just sign the papers”, I respond with my cold facade threatening to break due to the tears threatening to spill from my eyes. 

I decided I couldn’t stay in that room any longer because I knew if I stayed any longer I would turn into a crying mess on the floor. I held my head up high with the last bit of courage that I could muster and walked out but as I left I heard him say, “no”.