“I thought you loved me”.

“I do love you, don’t be silly Jade”. He said my name as if I was some naive child who didn’t know the difference between love and lust. He stroked my hair. “Come here”. I gave in, there I was standing in his arms, my body tightened still, my blood very hot, my arms dangling by my sides, my hands in a fist. He pulls me closer, “ you do know I love you Jade”. I hate when he says my name like that. “ I don’t like when you're mad at me Jade, okay?” Still holding me close, I held my breath until he steadily let me go, I let oxygen fill my lungs. “Yeah, okay, I have to go, I will text you.” I walked away before he could say another word to me. I walked down the nicely tiled stones his dad put in last summer. I walked past the flowers, I helped his mom's garden and I tried so hard to walk normally. My blood was still boiling hot and I could feel his eyes on me as I hopped on my motorcycle. I looked over, I saw his blank face. Looking back at me with deceiving eyes. This. This is the face of a devil I thought, but I am a fallen angel, who fell right into his lap and was head over heels for this man. I started up by bike and drove away. 

I got home at around 11:59pm. “ Where the hell were you?” “You are unbelievable, you are a dumb dumb girl, this is why your mother left, don’t you understand.” “Because of you”. He grabbed my face, I could smell the awfulness of the amounts of alcohol leaking from my fathers mouth. He threw me to the ground. “ You little sh*t”! “ I hate you Jade”. “ I hate you”. “This, this is why….” My dad fell over onto the couch before getting another word out, the tv static in the background, beer in his hand. I lay there in shock. Trying not to shake I stayed there until I knew he had passed out. I got up, my legs shaking even more than before. Everything feels so pointless at this point. My boyfriend is manipulating me and lying to me. I can’t leave him because he is all I have. Why don’t I know my self worth. Im so dumb. I keep saying it over and over. I am so god damn dumb. Why am I with him and why do I have a piece of sh*t dad who doesn’t love me. Why me!! I make my way to me room, tears falling down my face, I feel a rush of emotions. I have never felt this before. All this anger and sadness just all at once. I sat on my bed. My bed didn’t have a bed frame, it was pretty small. I had a white dresser in the corner, my wooden door closet, a bean bag, and my night stand with a picture of my mom on it. I picked up the picture. “ I don’t know what to do anymore”. I sighed out loud. 

I don’t want to be here anymore, there is nothing here for me. I keep thinking and thinking out loud. Nobody really loves me, nobody really cares about me. I took off my jeans, as the fabric rubbed against my leg I crinkle my face as it touched my cuts, I took off my shirt, and put on a clean white oversized t-shirt, I thrifted from good will. I looked at my broken mirror for a while. It didn’t feel real. Me looking back at me. The reflection I saw. Didn’t feel real at all. I felt as if someone else was looking back at me. Like I was an alien or something. Tears started falling down my face. I started laughing. I couldn’t tell if I was just so broken or if I was just insane at this point. I started screaming in my mirror, not caring if I woke my drunk abusing father. I screamed and cried and laughed. I fell over, I brought my knees up to my chin, rocking back and forth. Feeling nothing but a cold wind. I layed down and saw under my bed I had a bottle of xanax I was going to sell to this freshman. I stared at it for a while, staring right back at me. I had stolen it from my dad, yeah he's all sorts of messed up. I rolled my eyes annoyed and grabbed the orange bottle. I sat up a little calmed down at this point. I popped the cap open, a dead expression on my face. Numbness in my heart from those who have hurt me until I became nothing but energy blowing away in this illusion we call life. I stuffed the pills down my throat, still a dead expression on my face. I swallowed them as they harshley went down in pairs down my throat. My eyes were puffy and black makeup ran down my cold cheeks. I layed on my wood floor, until I could feel my pulse slowly dying out. I half smiled, feeling at peace. I felt okay. I closed my eyes knowing I couldn’t be hurt anymore, I slowly drifted away feeling my soul detach from my body. 

I opened my eyes, I was in a place I have never ever seen before in my human experience. It was a dark black vile place, everytime wind hit my skin it burned and I was in a daze. I looked around as I saw blood dripping down the walls. I looked forward and I couldn’t believe my eyes, my blood started to boil and before I could do anything he got a hold of me.

“Welcome to Hell Jade, did you miss me.”