I see him walking down the hall and I’m like, ok, ill be fine, he’s just walking down the hall. Its not like he hates me. But I don’t know what to say to him anymore. There aren’t words to describe what he did to me. What he’s done to me. And what’s left of me still wants him. I smile, and I keep walking. He halfheartedly smiles back. Its nothing special. Because its fake. We have no reason to smile at each other. We just do. And that’s what kills me.

I look at my phone and his name shows up. I consider letting ring. I consider never answering again. I consider just letting things run away from me, and never speaking to me again. But I don’t. I answer the phone. And I hear the voice that has made me cry over and over again. Hey, he says. Like this is nothing. Like this is normal. Hey, I say. Do you want to hang out? He asks, like its totally normal to hang out with the ex that is hung up over you. And I listen to the snake. I bite the apple. I say sure.
And here we are, laying on his bed. Its picturesque. The bed so many things have happened on so many painful memories. And we talk, and I can even hear the resentment in my voice. And finally it breaks out. What is wrong with you, he asks, without concern, but with general aggravation. You know what, I don’t even know what to say to you anymore. And he asks why. And I simply stare. And he looks away, Cause he knows what he’s done. And he says act like you always have. So I test him. Because part of me wants to know how hell react. I tell myself its because I’m just curios. Really, I want it as bad as he does. And so I move closer. And I go back to normal. And its easy to fall into that again. Because with him, it just clicks,. I don’t have to think about it. And all to soon, I get playful. And I lay back and I turn away from him, pretending to be mad. And then he gives me every reason to freak out. Because he lays on top of me. And that isn’t something friends do. But then I look up at him, and he kisses me. Softly, quickly, but it could have lasted forever. And I just look at him. Because we both know its wrong. And we both know why we went along with it. And he says, how about we go to the movies. Cause now its awkward. Now we are both exposed. Now are easy facades are gone, and there is nothing left but aching truth. And I say no. because I do not want to. And he says , I’m not going to kiss you, but we both know it’s a lie. And later, It happens again. And this time, we don’t deny it. We don’t disconnect. We pretend like its normal, and we deny that its wrong. But we know the truth. And we end up over each other. And I almost whisper I love you. But I know I cant. Because that’s letting to much go. that’s giving to much up. That’s letting go of the façade which you hold. So I don’t say it. And I leave that night. And I lay in bed for hours going over and over again what happened and why. But the questions are simple and I already know the answers. Were in love, always have been. Its never going away. And I don’t know how to fix it.

I walk into drama that night, and no one knows we’ve broken up. We don’t want to tell. And he looks back at me over the seat, and he whimpers slightly. And I know what he wants. Its our secret language. And I kiss him, but involuntarily jerk back. He looks at me and is puzzled by my reaction. So am I.

And then I see him jokingly walking down the hall hand in hand with another girl. And it shouldn’t bother me. It should roll of my shoulders. But it doesn’t. It wont. And I break apart. And he knows something is wrong. And we walk back to his house, where no one is home. We talk about everything, and were starting to work things out. But then I tell him to hug me, and he wont. I tell him if he doesn’t hug me, ill tackle him. I didn’t expect anything to happen. But it did. And were just laying there, because I don’t want to get up and he doesn’t tell me to. And he poked my nose, a joke we used to share. And I poke his back. And then were using our noses, nose to nose. And I tell him he’s a good Eskimo kisser and he laughs. And then his lips brush mine and I say what was that. And he says what was what. And we go back to our nose game. And then it happens again and I say his name, and he just looks at me and starts to kiss me violently and sweetly. And he looks up panting and says we shouldn’t be doing this. And I just grab him again. And then we notice the time. And he’s says you really should go. And I reluctantly get up. And I get as far as my hand being on the handle of the door. And he says you don’t have to leave yet. And the next thing I know, were on top of each other on the kitchen floor. And more then our mouths want to connect. And we become aware of things other then our passion. And he says this never happened right, as he stand there panting with rumpled hair. And I only nod, as I’m panting and on the verge of grabbing him again. And I grab the handle and I walk out the door. And I never kiss him again.

Resentment is the only word for what’s between us now. And I’m talking to a friend, and were calling him all kinds of names, and he can hear us and I don’t care. Because I’m just joking. Cause I’m hung up. And later that night, he looks me in the face and says does it always have to be this way? Either were all over each other or we hate each other? Can’t we just be friends. And like a fool I apologize. Like a fool I say of course we can just be friends. Like a fool I deny that this will ever work. Because I know it wont. And we remain friends for one night.

And days later he refuses to talk. He wont look at me. He wont speak of me.

And one month later, I lay at his side. Exposed. I’m not clean anymore. Its not okay anymore. Were both so exposed. And I stand up. And I don’t say the forbidden words. I just ask them.

Do you love me?