What Was I Thinking?

Holding my tears and words back when I was with you was the worst thing I could have done to myself. I was stuck on an everlasting impediment for the last few months. You would give me mixed signals telling me everything was going to be okay and made me believe that you were the one.

Now, I hate you. You were such a deterrent in my life and when I thought you were on my side, you left me alone and broken. I thought it would work, I thought this was what I wanted for the rest of my life, but now I know the truth. Things were horribly good between us, I wanted it to work but you and I, our relationship was an oxymoron. If there was a way to describe a person as a paradox, it would be you. We talked about marriage this year, it's so crazy because I sacrificed so much being with you, for what I thought was love.

Maybe I loved you too much, maybe all of this was a mistake.The sacrilege within you that I failed to see. Remember when you cheated on me? I bet you got that nasty gut feeling just now didn't you? Don't try to call me. You were given a chance and you left it in the dirt. I know what you did. How long ago was it? A month? When you and I were good right? Around that time?

You want some validation? Open the envelope on the table, you'll see screenshots and the secret instagram page you two have. Don't worry, I told that grotesque pile of atoms a couple things, all you have to do now is figure out what it is, though that may be a challenge for you.

It could always be something good, right? At this point, I will never see you the same, but why does that matter if I’ll never see you again.

I could've been so dramatic leaving but this is my form of valediction. The more I think of it, you're full of depravity. Don't lie and say that I never tried to work things out with us. You can't deny that we were welded together in the beginning. Everything was great. Now I’m cleaving us so don't worry about anything, I got this.

Jeopardy. A word I can use to describe this whole thing. You’re loosing me, I hope you know that by now. You kept so much from me and I can't figure out why. We talked about marriage. How could you do this. I found out you were wanton before me. I'm going through epiphany as I write this to you.

You're translucent to me now, I’m seeing right through all of your bullshit, which you're opulent with. I'll call this anagnorisis. If you even know what that is or means. I have opened my eyes. I can't stand being any more wretched by your side. I couldn't see the light for so long, everything was opaque. Its sad don't you think?

I want to make it clear. I did and still love you. Not in the same way, but I do. Just like you, this letter is all over the place now. I'm pretty sure you know where I'm getting at though. Seek some kind of asylum within her, maybe she'll make you feel loved. Maybe she'll make you happy. Marry her, have what they call consummation. Make sure to converge with her and become one with her like you and I once did.

By this time you probably tried calling me, again. I blocked your number, that's why it wasn't working yesterday when you called me after work. Don't try calling my mom either, she knows. All of my clothes are gone. I made the decision of moving out of “our” apartment first. You won't have to deal with any of my things so don't touch them, I know where I left things and what they were.

You have two weeks to pack your things and leave.

We were together for years, I guess you forgot about that...

------