Another weekend passes me, this small cramped office, and alcohol. I grab one of my leads off a sloppily stacked pile and grab my coffee empty with only the residue of the day at the bottom. I reach for the handle as my eyes before I see it transform into three spinning handles, I reach out aiming for the one in the middle seeming the closets. The door swings out with my weight against it and I stumble down the hall of cookie cutter desks. I stop in front of an immaculate desk, not a speck of dust or paper out of its place perfect as always. Centered in the front is a name plaque reading Richard Duke or to me as just “Duke". As my heart string pull think about him, I pull out my flask and empty every drop into my coffee cup. I lift the cup to my mouth and as the warm concoction goes down my throat my heart eases and my brain is flooded by numbing bliss that doesn't just lighten the weight of my heart but my head. 
I wake up curled next to my potted plant at the foot of my office door. The sun stings my eyes with the intensity as if it was right outside. I can't tell if my feet are numb or just cold, and my eyes feel as heavy as if they were replaced by golf balls. As I attempt to get to my feet my stomach feels heavy and last night's decision reach the back of my throat and I can barely get to my knees before it sprays across my carpet. Sweat drips down my forehead as I barely prop myself against the door with shaky hands. Then an abrupt knock hits the back of my door sending my head spiralling into an intense headache. A trumpeting voice booms as I incoherently try to block out the ear splitting noise and make my vision straight again. The handle rotates above my head slightly hitting me as an abrupt force pushes me face first into my desk and the door wide open. As I rotate around there stands Duke his face is framed by his scruffy black hair and a smile of pity. “Come on, not this again” Duke says he scoops me under the arms and sits me in my rickety office chair an as it rocks back and forth my head begins to spin. Duke crouches in front of my chair and looks me in the eyes “you can't keep doing this” he says almost pleading while grabbing me on the shoulder. He lets me go and hands me a cup of coffee, and when my fingers fail to grasp the mug he wraps his hand around mine leading the cup to my mouth reminding of simpler times. 
My mind wonders back to a young me on a baseball field. Countless young boys running, batting, and getting cheered for. I watched from behind the dugout with a muddy mit that had stuffing coming out of the edges. One kid steps up to the plate looking so calm and collected and when the balls pitched, he cracks it right out of the fence an all the boys start hooting and hollering. I watch hidden until the game is over, I hide behind a tree while all the boys leave I am in such aw of their abilities. When they're all gone I trace the line of the field until I stumble upon it that home run ball. I wander back on to the now abandoned field and toss the ball as high as I can following it with my eyes, in my head im in a major league field with hundreds of people cheering my name as Im about to catch the winning ball of the game.I wake up in the dirt with a pounding headache and when my fingers trace my skull im met with a large bruise in the center. When I finally look up im surprised to see the boy who hit the home run earlier just smiling back at me “come on, get up” he says in a joyous voice, he extends his hand to me. As are finger wrap together, he pulls back his arm launching me to my feet. He pulls me close and dusts me off introducing himself “I'm Richard Duke, but my friends just call me duke”. Since then he always been there to pick me up. 
When I snap out of my daydream, he's on the floor scrubbing at the spot where my vomit used to be. I stumble down next to him and choke out “you don’t have to do that you know” reaching towards the soggy rag. He stares me straight in the eyes and says nothing and pulls the rag away from my grasp. His intense glare makes me turn my head away in shame. I stand up and go to the window cracking it. The breeze sends chills down my arms and find myself falling against the wall. I turn my head for his reaction but am met only by the slamming of my office door. I peek out the door and find he's nowhere to be seen. As I fully step out, I notice a fresh shirt hanging. I look down at my own shirt now noticing the wrinkles and vomit staining the entire front. I grab the shirt of the hanger tracing the crisp collar. The shirt was just like what he wore when we were teens 
 No matter what we would do he would always dress up. Button up shirt with a crisp collar. Hed always tell me girls like a well dressed man, and he wasn’t wrong from what I always saw reminding me of past decisions. Duke was always so popular, he would be invited to every party, and girls would flock around him and he would know just what to say. One time he took me with him. The room was dark and cramped music blasting, and when we entered Duke got swept away. I took a few deep breaths and tried to socialize, I walked up to a few clusters of people nodded along with their conversations, and even mumbled some opinions to myself. I stumble around the party for a half an hour for duke. I finally found him in a girl's arms kissing I stare for what feels like an eternity but, was a few seconds. My heart begins racing and my breath begins to be uncomfortable. My head ringing and all I can do is replay the scene over and over my breathing starts to be uncontrollable and I'm getting light headed and my heart feels like it's being torn apart. I wobble to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I grab a cup and turn the faucet on watching the water fill to the rim letting the water eventually overfills. Thinking to myself how long can I keep my feelings to myself, I look down to find that my hands are shaking and water is spilling out. I attempt to take a sip of water to calm down but with the uncontrollable shaking of my hands, most water lands on my shirt. 
“Hey dude you okay?” a man drunkenly states. He is so close to me that I can smell the beer on off breath and can tell that it wasn’t his first beer of the night. I attempt to look in his glossed over eyes but am only met by blank aloofness” you look sad dude” he says with way to many hand gestures. 
“im goo” is all I can say before he burst in with 
“you look like you need a beer, it always makes me feel better” he shoves his own beer in my hand and poorly pantomimes drinking. “I'm not in the mood” I say begrudgingly 
“come on dude” he practically is pouring his cup in my mouth as I try to squirm out of his persistent grip. Its bitter and frankly taste like vomit but from the look in this guy's eyes, he won't let me go until I finish's grab the cup from his hand and decide to get this over with. I begin to chug down the cup and we quickly gain a crowd cheering me on. Everything feels like it's in slow motion, and in the moment, I don’t even taste it anymore and all I see is people chanting my name. Me the loner people are chanting for I even feel a little warm and fuzzy and I'm a little embarrassed everyone chanting for me I begin to blush entirely. Before I even notice I'm down four cups. People now are talking to me and I'm talking to them too, and I can't even remember why I was upset and can only pay attention to the hypnotic music. 
I change into the new shirt and hobble over to my desk. I look at the photo on my desk it's me and duke arms over each other's shoulders. As I glance my heart races and I can feel the thirst creeping up my throat. My hand scrambles to the desk drawer, I Shakely retrieve the bottle. As I crack off the lid and the smell reaches my nose the harsh aroma brings back so many memories ones bittersweet and other hurt intensely. I am pulling the bottle close to my lips and when it presses against, I pull back. My mind is spiralling with conflicting thoughts like this will only help in the moment, this will soothe my ache, and all I need is a single sip.  I feel this tension building in my brain. “What should I do” I mumble to myself. My hands start fidgeting with the bottle and I sit and stare at the spot that once held my puddle of vomit.  So many days and nights i spent with almost identical outcomes because I'm a scared spineless coward.  I can't keep this Perpetual loop of destruction of my life I have to do something about it. I grip the bottle in my hand and for a moment I think it again one sip could solve it all, in that moment I throw the bottle against the wall, a symphony of glass cascading throughout the office. 
I know what I must do. I walk out of my office and in the moment, I feel as if I'm taking mental pictures of everything. I trace every desk and bobble with my iris and lock away every little photo. I want to remember everything before it happens. Then I see him, he stands by his desk looking dashing as ever. His eyes have a sadness to them, and his smile has something of anguish to it. When he looks up for a moment, I get a flash of how he used to see me. Through all these years he's stood beside me thick and thin no matter what troubles id get into. I stammer “duke I have something important to tell you” he begins to say something, and I cut him off “no you don’t need to speak or say anything until I'm done with it all.” I stand for a few minutes trying to collect my thought. “I don’t know if you ever noticed but I'm different, not in like im Speciali" the words seem to stammer off my tongue “uh, you see I ...umm” my throat seems dry as if all the words were clogging in the back. “you see I'm” I stare at my hands fidgeting each digit, not looking up to his gaze “I'm gay, and there's more” in the moment I look up to his eyes to find him gazing through me. The saliva builds up in the back of my throat and I swallow hardy heart is racing “I love you duke, or I guess its better to say im in love with you Duke.” his eyes are full of warmth and even a tear is welling up, but his mouth is a straight line. This tells me all I need to know about our situation. He walks over and hugs me, and I didn’t notice until now but I'm crying and both his and my shirts are drenched. He pulls back and holds me by the shoulders  
“I'm sorry, I don’t" I cut him off with just a glance and for once the roles seem reversed, I'm the one who has the strength and he seems so small. The words aren't coming to his mouth, and he just sits and watches all I'm doing  
“i know you don’t love me like that, I think I always knew that. But I couldn't hold back my secret from you any longer.” After I confessed to Duke we left work and I spent the rest of the day together. I explained how long I knew, and answering all of duke never ending questions, but I think everything will be okay.