I always felt that death was a natural thing to occur in life, but when he won’t quit knocking on the door, it doesn’t do anything but terrify me. Momma always told me to live in the now, not in the past and not in the future. That advice really came back to bite me. As I sat on the doctors table and watched his mouth move, I had this overpowering feeling of pain. This pain wasn’t really a scream out kind of pain, it was more sore. It overcame my whole body and I felt like I was a sturdy brick wall crashing to pieces from a wrecking ball, especially in my chest. This sore feeling wasn’t the one of a heart attack, it was more like that feeling you have after a break up and you have a broken heart. I felt like my heart was going through a paper shredder, filing out all of my other emotions and only leaving anger and sadness behind. I was lost in my thoughts and all I could hear was a non stop ringing along with muffled words coming from my doctors mouth. I just found out that my life changed for the worst and I have this man standing in front of me telling me my options for care when I really know he doesn’t care and he does this everyday.

The doctor left me sitting there, feeling suspended in time and the world just kept moving. I got dressed and left the office, still hearing this ringing and my ears were stilled muffled. I watched everything and everyone around me. People were scurrying to get to their jobs or homes and cars were speeding down this city street. Everything around me was going so fast but to me it felt so slow. All I could do was think about the advice momma gave me and I couldn’t live in the past or the now, I had to start thinking about the future. It was too little time to call everyone I knew and all I wanted to do was curl up in my moms lap so she could rub my head and tell me, “everything’s gonna be okay sweetie, it always will be.” like she used to do when I worried about the smallest things. I decided to call her and tell her I’m coming home.

The phone rang a few times and then I heard, “Hello?”

I caught my breath, “Momma?” I could feel the happiness on her end,

“Izzy? Is that you?”

“Yes momma. I just wanted to let you know that I’m coming home tonight.” She tried to catch her breath and I could hear her crying from joy. If only she knew the real reason I was coming home.

“Text me your info, I’ll pick you up wherever. I love you, Iz.” I picked up my bag from the bench and headed to the bus stop. It was gonna be a long night ahead of me and I had nothing better to be doing. I put my head against my bag which I put against the glass window and fell asleep.

I woke up unaware of my surroundings but my memories from the previous day were flowing back to me. We were right outside the small town where I grew up and I started to put my things together knowing my mom would be waiting for me.

We pulled up to the mixed train and bus station and I recognized the worn down, once dark blue, car immediately. The bus released the air brakes and I emerged from the bus into the small, very cold, town. We made eye contact and I did the thing I was trying to prevent myself from doing. I broke out into a silent sob trying to hide it but she could always sense if I wasn’t myself. She began walking closer to me with her arms wide open, ready for me to run to her and embrace.

“So, this was very unexpected of you. What brought you home?” She wiped away my tear and this time my eyes were like Niagra Falls. I broke out into a loud sob and she squeezed harder rubbing my back. “We don’t have to talk about it. Let’s just get you out of this cold weather and home.” Normally, the ride back to the house was no longer than ten minutes, but when you’re feeling down like I was, it feels like hours. The car ride was silent on the way home, but I didn’t even care I was just happy to finally be home. I turned my head to look at her.

“Mom.” She turned her head for a second and laughed cause I never called her mom.

“What’s wrong sweetie?”

“I’m dying.” She began laughing again not thinking anything of it and assuming I was kidding.

“Oh yeah? Of what? Stress or relaxation?” I started crying again, took a deep breath in, and told her.

“Stage four leukemia. My doctor said that I caught it too late and chemo won’t really help but I can try it.” She hit the brakes causing me to fling forward.

“That’s not funny. Why would you joke about something like that?” I shuffled in my seat.

“I’m not joking. I found out this morning and I didn’t want to spend the rest of my couple days working at a good for nothing law-firm where I basically did nothing. I haven’t been home in about a year and I missed you and dad.” I wiped a tear from my eye.

After we got home, we stayed awake catching up and exploring options. She was reading different websites to me while my head was on her lap and she was running her hands through my hair, soothing me. I looked at the urn on the mantle, hoping he was protecting us. I began to feel fatigue so we concluded our research. After we said our goodnights, I fell asleep with my book open and my light on and her coming into my room woke me up. She put her arm around me as I dozed back to sleep and I heard her say, “Goodnight Izzy, I love you”, kissed my forehead, and the last thing I remember I was feeling peaceful. That was the last time I saw and heard my momma.