I’ve never gotten my heart broken before. I think I’ve had pieces chipped away by different people and scuff marks from being dropped, but the broken pieces were always swept away and I was always eventually picked back up.

But then there was You, and You broke it.

You completely and utterly shattered my heart and left me to pick up the pieces you broke.

I remember the day I realized I liked you. It was January, it was cold, and we were on top of a mountain. The Falls are a gorgeous place, and it’s especially pretty at 8 in the morning. I didn’t have on any makeup, I hadn’t even brushed my hair. Yet we hiked a mountain together and you told me I looked beautiful. I remember how on the way home you sat next to me, and somehow my hand ended up being held. (You always remarked at how cold my hands were). This is nice.

hold my hand again.

I remember the day you told me you liked me. It was the day after we had watched a movie and ended up on the same couch side by side. I had laughed like I had never heard a joke before and you kept looking at me like I was the only girl you’d ever seen. The next day, I was standing in a gas station, grabbing a diet coke, when you told me the words I had been dying to hear, the words that- if I heard them again- I would never take them for granted. I like you.

I like you too.

I remember the night you asked me to make it official. You had just finished playing the sport you love, your curly hair messy from running constantly and that half smirk on your face. I was shivering cold in jeans and a short sleeve shirt; but it didn’t matter because even though people were cheering and running all around us the only person I saw was you. You shuffled a little and then asked me. I had been expecting you to ask me to prom, so I laughed and doubted that you actually meant it. I want you to be mine.

I want to be yours.

I remember when I told you I was hurt. I remember I was crying in class and you asked me to tell you what was making me sad but I didn’t want to. I told you it wasn’t your problem, that I have always dealt with my hurt alone. You nodded and stopped asking, only to pull me aside outside of the gym later and tell me something no one has ever said before. Your hurts are my hurts now, and I promise I will never hurt you.

You broke your promise.

I remember the first time we talked about a future. I remember making a few comments about little babies with your mesmerizing hazel eyes, making wistful wishes about having dogs and cats and breakfasts in bed. I was sitting on the edge of my bed, watching the texts go from ‘delivered’ to ‘opened’ and feeling my heart swell in this weird, somewhat awkward way that it had never done before. Then you mentioned me in your daydreaming and I questioned it laughingly, and you said, I want this, with you.

I want that too.

I remember the day you told me you loved me. It was after school, I had to run down to the library and you had a meeting. I was standing by my locker and you gave me a hug just like you always did. I pulled away and started to leave, but you asked for another. I laughed and pulled you close, resting my head on your shoulder. I asked you quietly why you’d want another hug, and those three words slipped out of your mouth. Because I love you.

I love you too.

I still remember the inside jokes that you’ve probably forgotten.

I still remember the promises you made to me about a future and life that I so desperately wanted but you merely fabricated.

But the best, clearest thing I remember is how it felt when you broke my heart.

See, I had never abandoned the tiny fear that you didn’t mean what you had said, that you never truly meant the ‘I love you’s and ‘forever’s like I did. You always reassured me that we were different, that you couldn't imagine not having me in your life.

Well, you don’t have to imagine anymore. (How is it? Is it better? Worse?)

I’m not a part of it.

We had been distant for a month because of vacations and camps and then had a fight over a disagreement. I remember lying in a hotel bed with tears forming in the corner of my eyes because I was scared.

I was scared all the hugs and hand holdings weren’t enough to keep you around.

I was scared all the promises you had made to me were about to be broken.

I was scared that the plans were about to fade away into nothing but a distant memory.

I was scared I wasn’t enough for you. but you reassured me that fights were normal in a couple; didn’t I remember our running joke that we wouldn’t let one break up with the other? I don’t know a lot of things, but this one fact I do know: I can’t lose you.

I can’t lose you.

Yet not even a week later, you ended things. Abruptly, late at night, you told me you felt nothing when you thought of me. That you didn’t mean the words you constantly told me. You lied to me, and you broke my heart. I had finally started getting excited about life and growing up and living because you had made my life worth living.

And then it all fell apart. and I just sat there, staring at my phone, my brain screaming at me to fix this! Don’t let the best thing that ever happened to you walk out of your life! Don’t let this fade away!

But I want you to be happy; and if the absence of me in your life makes you happier than the presence of me in it, then I’ll let you go a thousand more times and let my heart break a million more.

Now we’re just two ghosts that walk beside each other in the hallway, two lockers separated by a classroom, two desks separated by a sea of other people. I want so desperately to go back to the time when I could look across a crowded room and only see you- I want to go back to the time when your arm was around me and you told me you could never imagine yourself with anyone else.

Now all I do is steal glances at you from across classes when I should be graphing quadratic formulas. All we do is hide the way we feel and smile when a person makes a comment towards us. All we do is keep secrets, and you know what my secret is?

I love you.

I am still very much in love with you and if you knocked on my door and asked for me back this instant I’d say yes. I let the very best thing slip out of my hands and I’m sorry. I should’ve held onto you tighter, should’ve told you I loved you more. I should’ve shown you how much you really meant to me.

So I ask you only this- don’t forget me. Don’t forget the way my hand felt intertwined with yours. Don’t forget the laughs we held and the long talks into the night. Don’t forget the away football games when I laid my head in your lap and watched the street lights flicker by. Don’t forget the day we sat and fell asleep to a gentle summer breeze.

There’s a whole lot more I could say but I can’t. I can’t go to school and fake a smile and act like I’m not hurting. I just want to walk up to you and ask one question…

Was it all worth it?