I could hear the sound of the bed wheeling out of the room. The curtain was drawn so I wouldn’t have to watch, but the sound was always worse. Hundreds of times that curtain had separated the room in half and hundreds of times Gerry, Tom, or Donny would make sarcastic comments, however there was always that one time when they wouldn’t say anything. This time it was Kenneth. Kenneth was quieter than the others but company is better than no company.

On the table next to me lay the television remote. There is something that can drown out these morbid noises. I reached out but fell back on my pillows with exhaustion. I was almost jealous of Kenneth, not having to deal with the pain anymore. I reached out again only to hit the edge of the table. This sent it rolling and knocked down a picture. I didn’t need to look at what it was, I knew.

On the far left of the picture, my daughter Erin. She was stiff in the picture, just like she was stiff in her life. While in law school she told me something that almost broke my heart, “I don’t have time for emotions and extensive relationships Dad, I just need to pass the bar.” So when she passed the bar, her mother hit the bar. I never understood why Karen had laid so many expectations about family and marriage on Erin. I said she was overacting and she divorced me in return. Funny how love is supposed to work.

“I’m so sorry Mr. Atwell for all the noise.” A tall thin red haired nurse peered around the curtain. “We are almost done.”

“It’s quite alright Olivia. The noise doesn’t bother me.” Lying to the doctors and nurses was easier as the years went on.

“Would you like any water or juice?” She walked over to me. “I’m about to head downstairs.”

“Get me your strongest vodka with a brownie on the side.” I winked at her.

“Water and applesauce it is then.” She laughed. She turned away and stopped. The picture. She picked it up and set it on the bed near my hand. “It’s April next week, didn’t Jamie say he would visit again in the spring?”

I looked at the picture and nodded. “Maybe.”

She gave me a sympathetic smile and walked out. What she neglected to mention and we both knew was when Jamie told me he would come back; a month after I was first admitted, four years ago.

Jamie was four years younger than Erin, but to me it always seemed like more. He repeated his sophomore year of high school and discovered his love for driving that same year. Starting that summer I remember how he saved every penny of his money for his dream car: a black Chevy corvette; a C4 Z1 or something like that. He loved that car. Of course he scared me and his mother every time he was brought home for street racing. I guess it did him good though, as he raced in the trials for the NASCAR Xfinity series last year. He never did tell me who sponsored him. I only found out about the accomplishment from the newspaper. He didn’t place.

Jamie had a wife, or at least she should be his wife by now, they were engaged last I saw them. But who knows maybe they never went through with it. Just before they wheeled Donny out, his daughter came in to tell him she was pregnant. I had never seen a man so happy. I wondered if Erin ever got pregnant if she would tell me.

I don’t recall if there was one day where my children stopped telling me things. Karen had been keeping things from me almost as soon as we were married I knew that. My mother told me before our wedding that her present would be paying for the divorce. Everyone knew it would happen sooner or later. That year was rough on Erin and Jamie. They were both out of the house at that point but didn’t know where to go for the holidays. I told them to go to their mothers, they thought I was pushing them away; I just wanted what was best for them at that time. I did that a lot that year; told them to go to their mothers, never opened up about the divorce. I guess they stopped talking to me when I stopped talking to them.

The noises on the other side of the curtain stopped. The routine was on schedule. Tomorrow or the day after another sickly man would be wheeled in. It would be a few weeks to a few months before I would watch them wheeled out. Sometimes I wanted to scream WAIT at them. Being lonely isn’t a good experience; you end up thinking too much about too little.

Sometimes I wondered if there was anything I could have done to keep them close to me. It wasn’t fair! They are family! How could they up and walk away? I didn’t hate my children. I didn’t hate my wife. I just hated I did nothing to stop it. When Karen handed me the papers, I signed them and walked out of the room. Didn’t even say a word. I didn’t even call Erin when I was admitted. I guess I assumed Jamie would tell her. A silly assumption really, they rarely talked when they were under the same roof. I thought Jamie would stay, I truly did. He sent letters for a couple weeks and I would respond when I could but after a while they stopped.

On the leather chair resting beside the window was a book. As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner, oh the irony. Between pages 189 and 190 was a piece of paper, it had a phone number. Jamie left it before he left that last visit. I never called it. I don’t know why, I just never did.

Suddenly I felt the urge to reach for the book. I haven’t moved like that in months what makes me think I can do it now? Oh just move the sheets you wet blanket. I pushed aside the thin hospital sheets and slowly pulled my legs over to the right side of the bed. The chair looked to be about four maybe five feet away from me. Olivia is going to be back any minute and ridicule you, get back in bed! Damn it! Just get the damn number! The floor was cold and hard, sending little shocks up my legs as my feet touched the floor. One step, grab the bed. Two steps, grab the bed. Three Steps, grab the bed. Four steps grab the bed. Five steps, grab the chair. Success.

The book was thinner than I remembered, but what did I know, the view from my bed to the chair wasn’t always a clear one. I turned to the three digit page number and found the small piece of paper I was looking for. I held it between two shaking wrinkly fingers. He won’t answer. Well you don’t know that if you don’t call. It probably isn’t his number anymore. It’s only been four years, who could change their number that frequently? A white hospital phone sat on the windowsill next to me. I grabbed it. Looking past the curtain and into the hall I could see no one would hear.

The phone rang. And it rang. And it rang.

“You’ve reached Jamie Atwell. Sorry I can’t come to the phone right now but if you can leave your name, number, and a brief message as to why you’re calling, I’ll get back to you as soon as I can!” *beep*

Don’t leave a message. It’s been too long. He won’t retu—“Hey Jamie it’s your Dad.” My voice shook. “I’m sorry I never called, it’s gotten worse and they rarely let me out of bed, I know not an excuse. I just wanted to call and well, apologize for that really. But I also wanted to say I love you and I’m proud of what you did last year. I hope you keep it up. Anyways, if you hear from Erin or your mother, send them my best wishes. Don’t be a stranger. Love you, Bye.” I hit the pound key. It was a relief to put the phone down; the weight of the object strained my wrist.

I leaned back in the chair and sighed. I was almost glad he didn’t answer; it made what I had to say a little bit easier. If he got the message I would be surprised if he called back.

This is a comfortable chair. I leaned into it a bit more and began to close my eyes. I opened them quickly to see if Olivia was down the hall but my vision was a bit blurred to see anything too far in front of me. Relaxed, I closed them fully. I could finally fall into that much needed sleep.