Rice Lake. The dark cabin crawls back into my subconscious. Same time. Same place. Same memory. I find myself in the woods behind the poorly constructed shelter, rented by my family.
The sky is dark, the moon is hiding and I’m alone. I feel the cold winds’ breath dance across the back of my neck. It’s quiet. I’m lonely. It’s cold. The group of cabins are vacant, except for my little home on the bend of the lake. The only shed of light is shown through the cabins windows; the antiqued light hangs and shines above the worn out kitchen table.
Not a dream. Not a nightmare. Not anything. I’m confused and don’t know how to feel. I sit under the stars in the damp morning grass. The horizon has a slight glow to it and morning is soon to come. As quick as a blink I’m across the lake and along the man-made paths hidden in the depth of the forests. My cheeks are wet from the silent tears that managed to escape my young eyes and long curly lashes.
The terror of being lost and alone hits harder again, knocking the wind out of me. Curled and crying, I sit on the forest floor. My 5five year old self has wandered off and all I want is the comfort of my mother, and the safety of her embrace.
Soon I run and rush out, my small feet hitting the moss that blankets the forest floor. After what feels like hours I stop and take a breath, breathing heavily. I see a flash of white, a quick and steady movement.  I turn slowly not to disturb the light creature. A fawn. The baby deer quietly nibbles away at the green sea of grass.
The light brown fur looks so soft as it is adorned with white spots and a tiny fluttering tail. The big brown eyes meet mine and fear appears on the small animal’s eyes and as if it is almost a personal offense, I feel my eyes well with tears once again. Both afraid we are timid to terrify the other in movement. With sudden courage I slowly walk to the small fawn’s body with my hand, anticipating the disappearance of the warm body.
With surprise my fingers come in contact with the short hairs and tiny body of the living creature. The fawn hasn’t moved and has returned peacefully to eating the long blades of grass.
I left the small fawn in the same place but I had moved on. Now I’m in a dark room. The room is almost a perfect square. The room felt stuffy and toxic. I no longer felt alone and unsure, but the terror was still pounding inside me. It’s too dark to tell where anything is by sight but I already know the room like the back of my hand.
I’m in my bedroom. The small cave I have fit to exactly how I want it. I roll over, the sheets are crumpled and thrown across the room. The cracked ceiling paint catches my eyes and I realize it was all just a dream. The whole night I was taken back to the place I stay every summer and the memories are still haunting me. Even with the memories so old and from so early on in my youth, they haunt me and control me. No matter how hard I try, I don’t go back to sleep.