“Perhaps a great love is never returned.”
     -Dag Hammerskjöld

In a rainy, desolate parking lot, I found out that blood tasted a lot like regret.

   Not thirty minutes ago, Milly Carter emerged from school, smirking as she clung to the arm of my best friend, who, along with everyone else, believed that Milly was an angel sent from heaven. She was the very picture of innocence.

She went to shelters to feed the homeless. (Five minutes later I saw her spit at a hobo on the street.)

She cried when another girl at our school broke her ankle. (Not before she dabbed some soap at the top of the stairs.)

She became the girlfriend of my best friend. (And proceeded to cling to him whenever I was around.)

Milly was a nasty little girl. She just didn’t know I was nastier.

   So when she walked a block away from school to her shiny new car that her daddy bought a week ago, I followed her. I don’t really  know what I was planning to do, but at the moment, my vision bled red.

I had no idea why I was so angry.

Nor did I know the reason for my jealousy.

   It might have been the fact that Milly lived the life every girl would have killed for, being born into a wealthy family, with parents who came to her every choir rehearsal, bought all the latest toys and went to fancy restaurants with her on the weekends.

I couldn’t help but compare it to my family. Or rather, lack of one.

   In comparison, my mother died from a terminal illness a little after I turned five while my father spent every night laughing away with at least three whores wrapped around his arms and the stench of whiskey strong on his breath. As time dragged on, I got used to not having my father around, because even when he was, he would spend his time gnashing his teeth on a cigar and looking at me with a withering gaze.
   We quickly became financially unstable, as we used up our savings, and I was forced to get two part-time jobs to make up for the slowly expanding hole in our wallet.

It wasn't a terrible life, but I’m sure Milly didn’t have these problems.

The only person I was close to was the little boy next door, with ratty clothes, sticky fingers, and a gregarious grin.
   Later I learned his name was Thomas, who lived with his two older sisters and hard-working mother who worked long hours to bring food to the table. Thomas’ laughter was contagious, and I found myself smiling until my cheeks hurt. We laughed at nothing and everything ‘till dawn peeked on the horizon.

   I never felt happier than when I was playing around with Thomas. Especially when we spent our time trying to catch butterflies in the field behind our houses. Sadly, that was also around the time that we met Milly Carter.

-::-

   “Hey, it’s a Summer Azure! We haven’t caught that one yet, have we?” Thomas asked, eyes wide and mouth smiling wide, showing off his missing front tooth.

In all honesty, all the butterflies from the yard looked the exact same to me. But Thomas’ enthusiasm was infectious, and I grinned anyway. 

We chased after the small creature and warmth blossomed in my chest at the joyous laughter we made. How incredibly lucky I was to have a such a friend.

However, it was also incredibly unlucky how after we caught the butterfly, we immediately bumped into Milly Carter; a girl from the same class we were in at the time. Thomas always thought she was pretty, but otherwise showed no interest and I was fine with that.

   “Fancy meeting you here. What are you guys doing?” She asked with a saccharine smile. Ever since I laid eyes on Milly, I always thought that she was a bit artificial. Her smile never reached her eyes when she spoke with others. It was probably my childish imagination, but her dark eyes always seemed a little too cruel, and it frightened me. I knew that we would never get along and that the feeling was entirely mutual.

Thomas threw a crooked smile at Milly. “Just catching butterflies. Want to join us?” He asked and I pleaded with Thomas with my eyes.
   The little girl beamed and clasped one of Thomas’s hands.

“I would love too,” she replied, giving Thomas’ hand a squeeze.

Ever since Milly came into our lives, I believed in ‘Hate at first sight’.

-::-

   Now, my only friend was being taken away from me in the worst possible manner.

I loved Thomas.

As family, as a friend, as someone dear to my heart.

So Milly was in the way.

Everytime Thomas told me he was busy when I asked if he could come over, I knew it was because he was spending his time with Milly.

Everytime Thomas told me he ate lunch already, I knew he ate it with Milly.

Everytime Thomas laughed and smiled, I knew he was genuinely happy with Milly.

And I hated it.

I hated how every time I saw them  arm in arm, it meant that there was no room for me in between them. I hated how Milly was genuinely happy with Thomas around, when before, it was me that made him laugh and smile.

More than anything, I hated that Thomas didn’t need me like I needed him.

A chill came over me, and I couldn’t help but dig my nails into my palms every time that thought crossed my mind. It was like a disease that ate away at my heart the lonelier I felt because no matter what, I wasn’t one of his priorities.

I might not like him the way Milly did, but my love was stronger.

I didn’t even realize when it toppled over the line to obsession.

-::-

   She screamed as I tore into her flesh. The  switchblade that I purchased a week ago was stuck in between her teeth, through her cheek. I couldn’t help but stretch my lips wide in a parody of a smile.

Over and over again, I stabbed my knife into her pretty, lovely little face even as blood splashed in between my fingers.

Instead of sneering at me, she couldn’t even look at me. Couldn’t see me.

It might be because of the knife going through her eye sockets.

Even as she was but a pile of soggy, bloody meat, I still kept tearing into her with my blade. It was amazing how the sharp little edge of my knife would tear her flesh like hot butter. I couldn’t feel the chill of the winter air anymore. I was too busy laughing as I finally took away the one person that took from me.

After ten minutes, I dropped my blade and realized what I had done.

I opened my mouth to scream, but it was sticky with blood, and I choked on my tears instead.

What could I do?

I had taken away the one person I hated. And in all honesty, that made me happier than I’ve been in a long time.

But if someone was to find out…

If Thomas were to find out…

He would hate me.

Nevermind the police, but everyone I knew would share their hatred towards me.

What had I done?

Mind going numb, I carefully dragged her body to her car, and climbed behind the wheel.

   Driving was nerve-wracking, and I wiped off the blood on my hands with some tissues I found on the side of the seat before gripping the wheel. Inwardly, I grit my teeth as I pull over in the woods on the far side of the fields Thomas and I used to play in when we were children and I scoff as I recall the memory.
   I realize we can never go back to that time again. Never again will we be as close as we used to, or as happy. Milly’s death will ruin Thomas for life, and if it gets out that I killed her, I’m not sure what he’ll do.

I’d rather ruin Thomas than let him disappear from my life with someone else.

   I open the backseat door and carry the bloody mess that is Milly Carter from the floor of her car and drop her on the ground muddy of the shoreline.
   It’s a large lake that no one ever goes near. It’s off-limits to swimming because of the number of people that have drowned here, for some reason or another. This was the first place that popped into my head when I realized that no one could find out about my crime. No one comes here.
   Leisurely, I submerge the bloody mess into the lake, and I immediately see the blood creating rings and patterns in the lakewater. When her body is submerged and only her head remained, I kicked the rest of her in. I don’t know what to do with the car, so I cover it with the bushes and vines.
   A tiny Summer Azure butterfly landed on the grass in front of me, and I smashed it with the rubber sole of my shoe, grinding in down on the little blue wings.

I can’t help but smile as I walked back home.

-::-

   The town practically buzzed with the news of Milly’s disappearance. Apparently, the last time anyone saw her was during school.
   I was practically glowing inside. However, as Thomas came up to me, downtrodden and miserable, I looked away.
   “They can’t find her. She’s just… Gone.” Thomas said, frowning.
A part of me was elated at the confirmation that Milly would no longer be a part of our lives. Another, smaller part reflected Thomas’ mood. I didn’t like being reminded that Thomas would prefer Milly over myself.
   “I’m sure she’s fine. They’ll find her,” I replied, smiling reassuringly.
Thomas looked into my eyes and smiled. We didn’t mention Milly for the rest of the day.

   Weeks passed, and no one had the foggiest idea of where Milly could be. Thomas wilted in front of my eyes like a flower left without sunlight. I scratch the analogy out of my thoughts as soon as I think of it. Thomas didn’t need Milly Carter.

   Later, it seemed as if Thomas really didn’t need Milly. A year rolled by and another girl had befriended Thomas in his mourning state. With a new friend, he finally seemed to be getting better.

   I had to bite my lips in shock. When I finally realized someone else had appeared in our lives to take Thomas away from me again, I was sitting in my room, walls colored a bleak, drab gray surrounding me, and cotton sheets underneath my paralyzed form.

   The same pattern had formed yet again. “Hey, how are you?” and “Want to eat lunch?” started matching up with the “Fine, just busy. Bye,” and the “Sorry, I already ate.”

Why does Thomas care for others so much when he already has me?

He’s everything to me, and all I have. When I couldn’t have my mother, when my father didn’t want me, I had Thomas.

But I really didn’t. Thomas didn’t need me. He smiles the same with me around as he does without me around. There are no changes.

My vision blurred with unshed tears, and I clenched my teeth until my jaw cracked.

My tears gathered, but never fell, and a horrible pain spread like ice pouring in my veins, making me curl up on my bed.

I’m terrified of losing someone so important to me. Not to someone else, or for any other reason other than the fact that they don’t want me.

Thomas would let me go as if I couldn’t matter less. I couldn’t do the same.

   The next thing I know, I’m tired, but not in anguish like I was minutes ago. Blood freely drips down my chest over where my heart lays. It seems as though the ice from my veins seeped out of my broken skin. Horizontal cuts layer my chest, and briefly, I wonder if it would feel better to tear my heart out before I could experience any more pain from it.

-::-

I learn that her name is Lillian, and her friends call her Lily.
She likes strawberries and gossipping about celebrities.
I learn that unlike Milly, whose smile blinds the room, her smile is like a fresh breeze.
And that she loves to go on dates with Thomas.

Lillian is a genuinely nice girl with a few flaws and a likable personality.
I already decide I hate her from, “Hello”.

But instead of jumping to kill her like I did Milly. The familiar pain in and outside of my chest makes me hesitate. Because Lily was good for Thomas, who didn’t seem to be getting better from Milly’s ‘disappearance’.

Since then, I had distanced myself from Thomas, no matter how hard it was at first. Because I realized that Thomas was inadvertently hurting me by being himself.

Really, I wouldn’t call it avoidance. I was just keeping my heart safe until a wall was built around it.

At first, it seemed like Thomas didn’t care, which saddened me, until a few days later, when he finally caught on. Then he started to seek me out of my hiding places, going as far as asking others where I had gone.

It was flattering, really. It hurt as much as it made me happy. To know that Thomas still cared, and I wasn’t really nothing to him.

But I also know that I can’t stay the way I am without getting hurt, being as defenseless as a slug.

But one day, it seemed as if my luck had run out.

-::-

   “Have I done something wrong?” He asked, his warm hand clasping onto my wrist as I tried to get away.

Of course he would think it was his fault. In a way, it was. Just not how he imagined it was.

“Nothing’s wrong. Let go.” I denied, not pulling my wrist away. He has to let go first; otherwise, he might really misunderstand.
   He narrowed his eyes, and his lips thinned. “We’re best friends aren’t we? Why the sudden secrets?”
   Damn. Thomas was sly, pulling out the best friend act on me. Almost made me feel guilty. Almost.

While Thomas was sneaky, I was sneakier.

   “I’m sorry. I was just a bit stressed, y’know? I didn’t mean to avoid you, or Lily,” I said, bowing my head before looking back up.
   At the sight of my tears, Thomas immediately softened. He pulled me into a hug that reminded me of the time of when we were children, playing in a field surrounded by butterflies.
   “No. That was my fault. You were understanding when I was busy. I shouldn’t have pushed,” Thomas replied, patting me on the head.
   The whole time he was talking, my eyes wandered to Lillian, who was obviously waiting for Thomas and when our eyes met, she scrunched up her nose and shot a hateful glare at me.

It seemed that she misunderstood the situation.

Lily likes Thomas as a girlfriend.
She thinks I like him the same way, but I obviously don’t.
I don’t really love him like a friend because I have no one else to compare it to.
I don’t love him as a brother because we have different ideas of family.
I just loved him. Simply like that.

But I still wouldn’t let her take Thomas away from me.

-::-

   Years passed slowly, and Thomas’ relationship with Lily was an off-and-on occurrence. I was completely fine with that. Thomas could be happy. I could be happy at the intervals of time where Lily was too angry at Thomas to hang around him. And Lily seemed happy, but I didn’t care to pay attention to her.

However, the times when I felt lonelier than ever, with no one around, I fell back into the habit of cutting up my chest, like a great slab of meat.

   I didn’t really have a very good reason for doing it if someone were to ask. I didn’t enjoy pain, nor felt the need to punish myself like some others out there. But whenever I thought of Thomas leaving me behind, a cold, unbearably sad feeling would well up in my chest, and I would break open my skin once again to relieve it, as if the intense chill from thoughts of abandonment seeped out of my torn skin and left like the bloody trails down the drain, once I washed it off.

Of course, Thomas didn’t know.

And maybe I felt slightly bitter about his ignorance.

I watch my blood mingle with the water in my shower, and imagine what I might feel if it was someone else’s.

That night I dream of screams and blood staining my fingers, running down my arms as I inspect them. I dreamt of familiar eyes watching me, accusing me, hating me for what I’d do.

-::-

   Years pass, and I’m still in contact with Thomas. And Lillian.

   Thomas tells me how he thinks about proposing, and I laugh, praying to God that he’s joking. Thomas laughs as well and smiles nervously. I’m not particularly religious, considering how many times I was forced to go to church as a child with my father, or the many times I prayed for help when my father was out having fun.
   But it burns when I think of a wedding band around Thomas’ finger, a sign of ownership to another person. Lillian would be thrilled, smiling until her cheeks hurt and after kissing him, she would tell all anyone that would listen how she already knew he would propose, and how goddamn lucky she was. Bile starts to rise in my throat at the very image. 

When Thomas looks at me again, asking if I’m alright, I’m all smiles.

Even when my heart cracks and my knuckles are clenched so hard, they turn white.

I still smile.

-::-

   All too soon, I remember why I stopped praying when I was younger.

   With paper printed with pretty lace and my thumb crushing the inked words of  “Hope to see you there!” a grim line sets my mouth, my eyes suspiciously bright with unshed tears.
   I’ve never cried because of my emotions spilling out. My tears with Thomas were a diversion for me to elude him into thinking something different from the truth.
   But at that moment, I’m sure that they would fall.
Isn’t it permanent? They’re going to get married, Thomas even inviting his dear best friend to the wedding.

A painful twinge over my heart makes me blink and take back my tears and I realize there’s always an alternative solution to my problem.

-::-

White lilies are thrown in the air, and delicate white lace trails across the table like snow.

   The party is so artificially beautiful that it burns my retinas. White surrounds the room, reminding me of hospitals, along with gold trim on absolutely everything. Candies in pretty pink wrappers are dispersed on the tables, and their shiny reflective colors are strewn over the floor. Lillian is beautiful with her equally lacy gown and it reminds me of how hard I had to bite my tongue when they were exchanging their vows.

She excuses herself of going to the bathroom and no one notices when I follow.

   “Congratulations,” I say evenly, a smile as beautiful as the pink candies from earlier curl over my mouth.
She startles at my voice, as I catch her in the middle of peering up her nostril in deep concentration in the ornate mirror.
   Eventually, she blushes, embarrassed, and manages a small, “Thanks, and a thank you for coming too,” and I nod.

She doesn’t even realize as I lock the door and get one of my knives out of my bag.

   I lunge, aiming for her neck. She opens her mouth to scream, but my hand covers it, and I pull out my other knife.

It’s like Molly Carter all over again, and I feel elated.

   Her skin yields to the metal blade I wield and her skin is even softer than Milly’s when it was her time to leave our lives. I’m messy when I slash at her, and blood splatters on my face and over my mouth, making my tongue sticky with the metallic tang.

I’d rather ruin Thomas than let him abandon me.

Thomas will be ruined, but I stab her over and over again, and her pretty lace dress gets stained in red, and I’m just so, so happy-

I feel Lilian quiver as she draws her dying breaths, and I gut her like I would a fish.

Lilian is gone gone gone-

Out of the corner of my eye, a blue blur passes by the window and I flinch so violently, I drop my knife.

It’s a Summer Azure butterfly, dancing over the glass that separates us.

   A jangle of keys catch my attention and before I can react, I hear them clatter to the ground and the air practically vibrates with how still it is.

It’s Thomas holding open the door, wide-eyed and pale with fear.

In a pristine restroom with a single window, I find out that blood tastes a lot like desperation.

I watch with narrowed eyes and assess his tiny movements.

   This time, it’s Thomas who violently flinches when his eyes reach mine and goes over my red fingers, my red mouth, Lillian’s red dress and my red blade.

It’s sudden, but I catch Thomas turn, fingers reaching out to grasp the handle of the pristine white door that would let him escape the mess that is me.

I throw my knife in his direction, and though I don’t expect it to hit or even hurt him, he back peddles and stands very, very, still. The knife clatters to the ground, joining the golden little keys.

I’d rather ruin Thomas than let him abandon me.

I tackle him as I dive forward, and I’m suddenly on top of him, the tip of the bloody knife barely digging into his skin at the base of his neck. His eyes cast a look of surprise and looks around quickly without moving his head. The initial fear is gone from his eyes, and only look infuriatingly calm.

I’m so desperate that Thomas will hate me and I know that even if I live, it will ruin me more than it would ruin Thomas.

Please don’t leave me…

Please don’t hate me.

I slice a gash over his chest, and another on his stomach, but to his credit. Thomas doesn’t flinch or even pull his gaze away from mine.

He smiles, and it looks so genuinely calm, I immediately suspect it to be a ruse.

“Your doubt will never kill the love I have for you,” he says softly, cupping my cheek in a dry hand.

“I’ve never stopped loving you, or anyone else.”

I can’t say anything in response because I’m choking. Choking on my splintered heart crawling back up my throat.

Something wet falls down my face and at first I’m sure it’s Lilian’s blood but as it slips off my face and drop to Thomas’ cheek, it comes out clear.

The truth is I’m crying so hard I can’t even feel it.

“Even when you couldn’t see it, even when you thought it was hopeless after you killed Milly too, my love for you is as constant as the stars above.”

   My eyes widen in disbelief, and I recognize what he’s revealing.

He didn’t leave me after I killed Milly.

He doesn’t hate me even after I’ve killed Lillian.

And as his eyes glaze over, my hand shakes, but eventually pulls the blade with the blood of two people over my own neck.

I was at peace because we had loved with a love more than love.