It was the night after Jack was pushed out of the group. Judith and I took him under our wing, and I think that Jack was sad. Jack did not seem to have the same spunk anymore. He'd had a good life, and now he was nothing but a reject. He didn't know what it was like to live at the bottom, and it sort of killed him on the inside. It was much more painful to watch someone die than to die yourself.
No one spoke to Jack after that day at the old basketball court. Nobody besides the three of us knew what had happened aside from Rick, Camille, and Warren. I don't think they really needed to. They just knew that the popular kids had shoved Jack out of their special group, and that was the end of it. He was no more. Jack had fallen, and because I really did love him, I decided that I was to fall with him. Judith was nice enough to come with me.
Before Jack and Judith, I was an utter loser. I had no friends. But Jack found me and introduced me to Judith and all the other kids who were "cool," and everything was okay. Now, it was my turn to help him.
I really did love him, and for good reason, too.
Judith told me that Jack was depressed. I believed her. He didn't dress preppy anymore. He was always wearing a lot of black and listening to sad music. I don't know why people listen to sad music when they're depressed. I guess it's because they want to feel kinship with somebody who's aching as terribly as they are.
At school on Friday, Judith said that she was going to take Jack and I to a party. Not the preppy, cool kind of party that we'd been to before, but a real party, she had said. I wondered what she meant by that. At the parties I'd been to, I always saw people smoking and sick off of alcohol. I never participated, because these activities seemed awfully uncomfortable.
We all told our parents that we were going to the library, as we used to say quite a lot on Friday nights. I think my mother was always suspicious, but she never said anything. She was probably happy that I had any friends at all. In years past, I had always been alone. This caused her to be "concerned," as she always said. I guess she wasn’t concerned now that I had friends.
Judith texted me saying that I should go to the football field behind the school. It was ten o'clock and getting pretty dark, so I assumed that nobody would be there except for Judith and Jack. I walked behind the building, and they were there. Jack was sprawled across the grass in his black clothes, but he didn't have headphones in so that he could listen to sad music. Judith was sitting next to him with a cigarette in her grip. Judith really did love smoking.
I ran to my friends, and sat next to them on the field. Judith had on very tight, short jean shorts and a white dirty t-shirt. She was very pretty, but in an untraditional way, with dark hair and bangs that would never look good on me. She was very smart, too, and she had dated quite a few boys. Her dating life stopped, however, when she took the social descent with Jack and me. I don't think she minded. Judith never loved any of those boys.
"This is it," Judith said. "This is the real party."
And I understood then why it was real. I saw Jack looking to the stars with a bottle of vodka in his hand, and the way the smoke and scent of alcohol twisted in the air like lovers. We were the lonely ones. There was the reject, the misfit, and the outcast who just watched. And although these puzzle pieces were jagged and gnarled, they fit together in a beautiful way, and the entirety of the situation seemed very whole and real.
I crawled on my hands and knees to Jack, and then lied next to him. It seemed very cheesy all of sudden, but I didn't mind. I was here with him and his dark hair, and I loved him, even if he didn't love me, and he was beautiful.
I didn't always think that Jack was attractive, but after he had been so kind to me, everything about him suddenly seemed so beautiful and enticing. It made me feel special that only I could see him this way, and that his beauty was only mine as it spilled from every crevice in his body.
My mind wasn't letting me say anything to him, and it hurt me so much. It hurt me, and I wondered why I had been damned to be this way. I wondered if I could ever reach out of this neverending hole that was my mind. And in that moment, I would have done absolutely anything to breathe out the words that I wanted so badly to say. I wanted to tell him he was beautiful. I wanted to tell him that I loved him. It was impossible, though. Everyone had always told me that it was impossible, that I was the shy one. And I never denied them, because I knew it was true.
But I couldn't help that I looked at him, and I saw his dark brown eyes staring to the stars, and I realized that this was the most emotion and love I had ever felt in my life. He was there, and I was here, and it seemed impossibly beautiful, no matter how simple. I don't think I liked to talk much, because I'd much rather love.
And that is why I kissed him.
It felt very soft and nice, kissing. I'd never tried it before. I'd seen Jack kiss lots of girls, but being actually immersed in this- this thing was so more than just watching it. You really don't know what something really means until you experience it.
I didn't see fireworks or anything, like in the movies, but I think that was a good thing. I wanted this to feel special and absolutely mine. I didn't want something someone else had already had. When it was over, it felt quite good to know that I could push past what everyone thought they knew. My preconceived fears didn't seem to matter, and I hoped that I could feel like that forever. Then, Jack spoke a sentence I have not since forgotten.
"Katie, I love you."
And I told him that I loved him, too.
Judith smiled when I looked to her. Jack was smiling, too. It felt very warm and cozy, because even though we were the lonely ones, things didn't seem so lonesome anymore. I held Jack's hand for the rest of the night, and let vodka burn my spine, because I was not my fear. I was me, and that was quite okay.