You’re a f***ing coward.
Even though I know this to be untrue, my mind kept on replaying this message.
I remember feeling hatred, though, I never did hate the guy. In fact, we had been friends for years; he pushed everyone else away with all his bullshit.
All the late night conversations about life and what we were going to do with it felt like they were circling around in my head as if to mock me. I guess it is my own fault, for not getting out as soon as I could have.
You’re a f***ing coward.
The fact is, letting go of a friend is hard, I guess I just didn’t want to face that, instead I put up with the bullying. I took it in until it had to happen.
It was cold, cloudy, and the smell of the cheap-Hawaiian breeze car freshener filled the inclosed air. I was sitting in the front seat in a near empty parking lot. A smile formed onto my face, it was going to be a great day.
Buzzzzz.
As I looked down at the screen I thought to myself, what does he want? I told Andrew before to leave me alone, I was done.
I was done. But the curiosity dug too deep….
“If you’ve always hated me or whatever, I really don’t appreciate the bulllshit for the past however many years.”
My face began to heat up as I immediately typed; “If I always hated you, I would have never been your friend in the first place.”
I took a breath.
It’s not my fault he was in love with me, and it’s not my fault he then disgustingly asked out my sister… Yet, somehow he was mending everything to feel like I was the antagonist.
He’s a dick I thought…. I wasn’t going to engage in this conversation is all he was going to do was bash at my face. Still, I didn’t hate him, I just didn’t want to be his friend anymore. So, I wished him luck with starting college in the fall and his summer job. I genuinely meant what I was saying.
I jumped as my phone went off.
“Don’t wish me luck.”
I could picture his arrogant face as confusion struck mine. My eyes kept moving.
“Don’t acknowledge me or treat me like a person.”
Was it really throwing if he was the one pushing me? What is he trying to say here? I kept reading.
“Don’t even pretend for a minute you want anything good to even happen to me.”
My heart began to pound in my chest.
“You don’t give a f***.”
My hands began to shake as I tucked my knees into my chest….
“You take pleasure in hurting me. If you want me to burn in hell you say it.”
My eyes had already begun watering as I read the last of his words.
“Don’t be a f***ing coward.”
The sun began to glare through, yet it seemed gloomier than the clouds that were hovering just minutes before.
Don’t be a f***ing coward.
You’re a f***ing coward.
You’re f***ing stupid.
You’re ugly and I can’t believe I have to see you everyday.
I could feel the space around me closing in, I closed my eyes. I wanted to scream, but nothing would come out.
When I opened them, I was at the middle school. There were those boys, staring and laughing. I began to smile when I saw James walking towards me from the group, he was the only nice one out of them. I bet he told them to stop, I thought to myself. Before I could say hi, James began to explain “ They were laughing because you are so funny looking. What is wrong with you? Don’t you know that no one actually wants to be your friend?”As he walked away I thought, maybe he was right, I am ugly….
I had friends, so how could those boys say what they did and make me feel the way I did? I never told anyone what they had said to me, all of the horrible messages I had read online, all the snickering everyday for months. And it was all coming back.
Maybe Andrew was right, I should apologize I thought, but I didn’t believe any of those harsh things he said.
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” I typed with great nervousness. It took less than six seconds to be able to glare at his response of
“No you’re not.”
It was so simple but so complex, like a piece of cheesecake, it looks plain but the flavor has the power to satisfy all your taste buds. Except, this didn’t satisfy me. All my life I have said what I meant yet everyone seems to feel the need to interpret that further.
I couldn’t continue with the bullying, being underappreciated and treated like trash. Someone who I thought was my friend has continually turned on me, so why did I continue to let him? This was my chance to stand up and say something that I could have told those boys back in middle school.
I wiped my tears away with the sleeve of my sweater and began to type….
“I don't appreciate everything you are accusing me of and saying here. I'm going to pray for you and I wouldn't wish for anyone to burn in hell. Andrew, you can think whatever you want about me, I can't change the way you think, that is all you. I know who I am and I have meant every word I said here but please don't message me any more because I am not a piece of crap and do not deserve to be treated like one.”
I guess my response took him by surprise because all he could think to say was “I’m finished.”
As I blocked him from my phone and deleted his number, a blanket of relief draped around me.
I could have said a lot to Andrew that day, I could have sat there and listed everything he had ever done. But it wasn’t worth it, he wasn’t worth it. Society may make me feel inferior and as I stand here reflecting in the mirror, I can’t help but revisit all the words of hate. I sigh and turn towards the door.
Maybe that will never change.