I woke up yet again with an empty pit in my stomach and and annoying voice in my head telling me that I need to get up for school. I started my usual morning routine which consisted of me and my brother fighting over the shower, eating disgusting cereal, and getting tooth paste on my favorite everyday black sweater. As we rushed out of the house to pick up my cousin I slipped in my earphones and listened to the sound of Quiet Riot flow through me. Before I knew it we were at school a.k.a. Hell on Earth.

God I missed my dad, he's such an ass. I love when he forgets to pick me up, just kidding, I really hate when he does this but I'm used to it by now. I tried to banish these thoughts as I slumped my way to the band room. My brother brushing past me to his stupid friends causing my little cousin to almost fall over. I helped her out sending a scowl in his direction only to catch them laughing at something he said which was undoubtedly stupid.

By lunch time I was ready to either punch everybody or just go home. Maybe I’m getting my period, I thought to myself. I pulled up to my normal lunch table to see my group of “friends”, when really I only liked one girl here, her name was Morgan. We sat next together in a few of my classes and she was the only person I was willing to talk to. The rest of them thought I was weird with my everyday black sweater I hid in. I didn’t quite mind though, I mean it would of been nice to have some friends I could confide in but they were just annoying blondes. Morgan & Alyssa were my only real friends. I’d known them both since sixth grade the only downfall though was that they didn’t get along so well, which caused me to hang out with them at separate times. I heard the bell signaling that it was time to go back to class. The rest of my day passed by in a blur.

Thankfully, my mom was here I just wanted to go home and continue crying over my dad. I was so tired of feeling pain but it just wouldn’t go away no matter what I did. Nobody really understood how I felt. It was like standing in a crowded room shouting into the void how alone I felt, but nobody could hear me. Maybe it would be a good idea to just end it all. Oh crap I can’t be turning into one of those emo kids can I? I give myself a little pep talk to try and fix these dumb thoughts I was having. Little did I know that these were actually very important.
Weeks passed like this, all I could think about was how much I wanted to go away. It was a pain because I had finally stated making more friends, I was thoroughly frustrated with myself. However my new friends Kennedy, Julianna, Taylour, and Kayla were fun to be with during the school hours, being at home made me feel lonely. I had decided that maybe drawing would help but all i could come up with was broken hearts, fake families, and drawings of people crying. I thought maybe writing would help, and for a while it did but then everything went wrong.

My dad had forgotten me again this time making me wait for him over an hour before I decided to go home. My heart felt like it had been ripped out and stepped on. I was used to him being late but he never even called, as if I mean absolutely nothing to him. I hadn’t even known it was possible for a person to feel this much pain. It was at that moment I realized that I wanted to die. Hell my dad didn’t seen to care about me so why should I? I couldn’t just end it though, I had my friends and family to think about, what would it do to them? I went to grab a blade which wasn’t as easy as it sounded, I ended up unscrewing the blade from my pencil sharpener. It hurt to know that this was what I was resulting to but in all honesty I was scared to end my life. I was only twelve years old and I had friends and a guy I really liked plus my family. I couldn’t just leave them like nothing could I?

The next few days I just walked around like a zombie who was low on brain fuel (hah). I felt like my brain was going to explode I had to do something to take my mind off this. So I decided to go cut, I asked my teacher for a bathroom pass, hid in the big stall, and ran the blade across my wrist drawing bright red blood in long thin lines. The pain was terrifying and liberating all at once. Is this why other people did it? Because it made everything okay for more than one moment? It proved I could still feel after the numbness that’d been consuming me the past few days. Maybe if I kept this up I would last a little longer, so I did. Anytime I felt the sadness start to overwhelm me I would excuse myself and do my business. It helped for a while but eventually my nerves started to get used to the sensation and it didn’t help in the same way as intended. I was worried, what was going to happen to me? Maybe it really was my time to go.

It was late on a Wednesday night when I had the overwhelming urge to grab a piece of paper and slam a pen across it. I wrote out my emptiness ending with the amount of pain I felt and how much I wanted to end it. After I finished what I needed too, I decided I needed to talk to one of my friends about it so I tucked it into my backpack for the following day hoping I’d have some alone time with Kennedy.

On Thursday I was sitting in my Spanish class putting the note into my back pocket because kids nowadays had a bad habit of going through each others backpacks. After I showed Kennedy the note she hugged me and told me if I never needed anybody I could always come to her. It made me happy to know that I could open up and tell her about my feelings, I was glad she was there for me. When I was falling asleep in my algebra class my teacher got sudden call and after hanging up she spoke “Bella they need you up in the office.”, the class stared at me because for once I hadn’t gotten in trouble. I decided to leave my stuff in class because I didn’t think I’d be gone for long.

When I walked in a few of the office ladies turned to give me sympathetic looks. It confused me, what was going on? I heard Ms.Bailey, my counselor, call me into her little office. I sat down and she pulled out the note. For a moment I was freaking out, how did she get that!? Then the thought came to me that maybe it was a good thing and I could get some help, but mainly I just wanted to take it from her and run away.

“Why did you write this Bella? What’s going on?”, she asked with me with such attention that I just knew I had to tell somebody. And with as much courage I could muster I spilled out my story in a flurry of tears and sniffles. I told her all about the way my dad would forget to pick me up or be late and how it all broke my heart. I told her about the countless times he got drunk around all of us kids and how we would be left with my baby sister when my dad and stepmom went out clubbing. About the many times I’d be left at my grandparents or how he’d get drunk and we’d end up crashing at his friend’s places. It was never a full life for me, we were always at different parties or at Big League Dreams. I mean of course there some good memories like when I was five and he took me to Disneyland but there were at least three memories for every good one I had.
Near the end I took a couple of deep breaths and did tell her how I’d been feeling lately, if I held it in any longer I don’t know who I would’ve become.

“I want to die.”, it tumbled out. My head shot up to see her reaction and I could tell she knew that’s how I was feeling. She asked me a if I ever self-harmed and with tears in my eyes I nodded along answering her questions. She then proceeded to tell me how she was going to call in an officer so he could talk to me. By then my heart was pounding so hard I could feel it vibrating through me. The cop came in and he and I talked for a few minutes and how I felt. I told him the way my depression has been worsening and slowly consuming me.

“I think it’d be best for you to go to Oasis Mental Health Hospital.”, I stared at him in shock. I was scared to say the least. I felt tears brim my eyes again, I mumbled a quiet “okay”. He left the office to call in my arrival while I sat stunned in the Ms. Bailey’s office. She asked me if I wanted to talk to anybody and I asked if I could call in my friend Sam. It was near the middle of fifth period by then which shocked me because I had left when third started. I saw him walk through the office with my backpack in hand and he came over and just hugged me, murmuring sweet nothings and promising he’d be there in the end. He then said “i love you” and squeezed my hand before heading back to class. I wiped away the small collection of tears and told them I was ready.

The next few minutes passed me by and before I knew it we were pulling up to the hospital. They had me take off all jewelry and hand them my backpack. I was then sat in a room with an older lady who took my height and weight then told me to sit down. She pulled out a folder and then proceeded to ask me a lot of questions. She wanted to know if  I ever saw things other people didn’t or if I did drugs. She threw so many questions at me that I was stumbling over my answers. When she told me she was done I was sent to a small room with a coloring table, some chairs, a mattress, and a futon. I sat down on the futon and turned the t.v. on hoping to distract myself. I was only there for about a half hour before I was escorted to another office with the doctor. I was highly annoyed though because she was asking me very similar things to what the cop and Ms.Bailey did. I did my best not to sound rude as I told my story for the second time that day. She nodded her way through and only asked me to clarify things a few times, which I appreciated. When I finished telling her all about me she told me how I was going to be released soon and but I would have to start going to therapy to help me work through my feelings. I said okay and went back to the room and saw my pillow pet and sweater waiting for me, one of the workers told me that my mom dropped them of for me. I grabbed the pillow pet and threw on my sweater, I ran to the table and stood up too look through the window where I saw my mom and grandma. I knocked on the window to get their attention and they turned and waved with small smiles and light tears in their eyes. Just by looking at the love in their eyes I knew it would all be okay in the end, these people were my real family and i loved them with all my heart.