It felt like my heart was literally being ripped from my chest. There was a dark cloud hanging above my head with no sign of leaving. I wore a black dress with nude black pumps. I held my black clutch close to my chest as I stepped out of the car with my younger siblings in tow behind me. Everyone around me already had tear stained cheeks, but the one person who was the loudest was his mother. She was sobbing loudly, unable to do anything but grieve over the loss of her son.

         That’s when it had really hit me.

         Today was Adrian’s funeral.

         Almost immediately, my throat had started to ache and I felt the sting of tears in my eyes. Mechanically, I walked to seat reserved for me and my family. Upon sitting down, I received plenty of pats on my shoulder and whispered words of how much he’d be missed. But they didn’t get it. They didn’t know him like I did. They didn’t truly understand the pain I was going through. They didn’t understand my guilt.

         I felt a rush of gratitude towards whoever planned the funeral to be outside. I didn’t think I could’ve sat inside a cold and suffocating church. Outside, the breeze blew on my cheeks and made it a little less obvious of the tears trailing down them.

         When the pastor stepped up onto the platform, I fell into a daze. It was really happening. I was sitting at my best friend’s funeral like I had planned, but something was off: I was there way too early. A choked sob escaped my lips as I brought my hand up and bit my knuckle, trying to hold back the desperate wails that wanted to escape my chest.

         Adrian Woods was dead. He wasn’t going to call me that night to say goodnight. He wasn’t going to go to school with the stupid grin he always had and squeeze me in a hug until I felt like I was going to burst. Adrian wasn’t going to dance or sing ever again. He wasn’t going to do any of that because he was dead. And it was my fault.

         My mind flashed back to our last day together, or rather, the beginning of his last day…

“Wake up, Zee! Today’s a bright new day with new faces and new opportunities and new life and—“

         I glared at him, my best friend of three years, and threw my unpeeled banana at him lightly. “Shut up, Adrian. I’m awake. I just want to keep my head down,” I explained before setting my head down once on the desk again.

         “Excuse me, Ms. Williams, but is that anyway to treat your best friend?” Adrian asked, false hurt in his voice.

         “It is when he’s being an annoying little crap,” I mumbled into my arm.

         Suddenly, I was picked up out of my chair and the life was being squeezed out of me. Adrian’s arms were wrapped tightly around my chest as he lifted me, simultaneously crushing me with all of his strength. I couldn’t even get any words out, only squeaking and kicking my legs in my surprise. But when I did get a hold of my voice, I threatened not only him but the life of his beloved phone.

         He had set me down with a cheeky grin plastered on his face. “Moody, are we?”

         I punched him in the arm and sat back down, exasperatedly fixing my hair with my fingers. “I told you to leave me alone.”

         Adrian pouted at my clipped tone and leaned on my desk, playing with a strand of my hair. “C’mon, Azlynn, I know you can’t stay mad at me.” When I continued to ignore him, only looking at the nubs I called nails, he took a more direct approach. Hugging me from behind, his arms thrown lazily around me as he set his head on my shoulder, he pouted more. “I love you…”

         My heart warmed, as it always did when he was sweet like that, and I smiled ever so slightly, letting go of my short—and quite frankly, stupid—irritation towards him.

         Adrian smirked as he stood. “You could never resist my charm,” he winked, walking out with a laugh as I scoffed.

         That would be the last time I’d see him relaxed and carefree.

The pastor ended his speech and I watched as his mother stepped onto the platform, sniffling still. Her husband stood by her side, his own eyes pink as he tried to comfort his wife. For a moment, Mrs. Woods watched everyone through blurry eyes, not saying a word as we all stared at her for a speech of some sort. But when she did open her mouth and speak, her voice was wobbly but loud, obviously wanting everyone to hear what she wanted to say.

         “Adrian was a good kid, a good son. He didn’t deserve what came to him. He didn’t deserve to die like he did. He should’ve lived a happy life, married with kids. But he was ripped away from us; cruelly, like a toy being snatched away from a child,” she said, slowly standing more and more tall with each word. “Adrian loved his family—loved his sisters and parents—but he loved his friends, too. Friends like Ryan and Peter, but Azlynn especially.”

         I had wanted to smile but I couldn’t so I settled for a slight tilt at the corner of my lips.

         Mr. Woods stepped in then, and a minute smile was on his face as he looked in my direction. “Ever since we met Azlynn, we pushed them to be together. They were good for each other. She tamed him, he made her more out-going, but most importantly, they made each other happy.”

         Mrs. Woods nodded. “Whenever we mentioned the girl, he flushed and denied any feelings for her,” she giggled quietly, reminiscing in the memories of her beloved son.

         “Yes, Adrian was a great son; the best of the best. But, sometimes bad things happen to good people,” Mr. Woods said shakily, taking a deep breath as his eyes began to tear up again. “Such great potential for a sixteen year old.”

         Another wave of guilt and tears washed through me as I heard about the great things Adrian had done in his short life. His mother was right, he didn’t deserve what he had got. He should’ve went on and pursued his dreams. It was my fault that he couldn’t.

         Soon, though, Mrs. Woods couldn’t take the fact that her son truly wasn’t with them anymore and she had broken down, wailing and screaming for her son to return to her. Her husband kindly carried her broken form off of the platform. They sat in their chairs as he cradled her like a parent would to a child, rocking her back and forth. He whispered in her ear, most likely to attempt to calm her, as the pastor stepped back on stage.

         “Maybe a few words from Adrian’s best friend? Azlynn Williams?” he asked, gesturing towards the stage.

         My younger brothers patted my arms as I shakily stood up. Mom squeezed my hand. Dad gave me a small nod.

         Walking down the aisle, I tried to calm my breathing—tried to release the tension in my throat. The walk seemed like a long one but it wasn’t even twenty feet. My heart beat harshly in my ribcage as if begging to die along with Adrian.

         Once I reached the podium, the man stepped down and I looked at everyone in front of me, feeling rather than seeing every eye on me. I took that time to really examine the crowd, see who truly missed Adrian. I was met with eyes full of sympathy and lost. Some were wiping their eyes and blowing their noses. Others were sitting too stiff, their face too stony, as if trying to pretend like they weren’t at a funeral. I felt some comfort in knowing that if I broke down, it would be okay. They felt the same way. They all lost someone they loved.

         Clearing my throat, I took a shaky breath before beginning. “I just wanted to say… Adrian was a great kid and he will deeply be missed…” I paused before laughing breathlessly. “Adrian and I used to joke about moments like this. He would say that he’d want me to speak about how awesome he was at dancing and how he always stole cookies out of the cookie jar when he wasn’t supposed to. I would say how I’d want him to make a big speech about how great of a friend I was and confess about his undying love for me,”  I smiled and looked down at the podium. “But he’s not here anymore to do that.”

         I looked out at the crowd and then at his parents, tears falling shamelessly down my face. “And it’s my fault,” I choked.

         Their eyes widened and they shook their heads, trying to reassure me that it wasn’t my fault. But I had to tell them. I had to let them know that it really was my fault.

         “We were in third period when it happened. We had the same class, algebra, because no matter how much he bragged about being in a grade higher than me, he sucked at algebra and had to redo the class. But right away, he knew something was wrong,” I explained, traveling back to that day.

I was sat closest to the windows, enjoying the breeze blowing in. I was in a happy mood, Adrian having had tickled me and forced to me to laugh in the hallway next to my locker before we walked to our class together. I hummed to myself as I copied the problems we were to do for homework that night.

         When I finished, I leaned back in my chair, kicking my feet up onto the desk, noticing that the teacher was busy grading tests from the class before mine. Adrian then tapped my shoulder until I turned around. He sat right behind me so this was normal of him.

         “Something doesn’t feel right,” he whispered.

         “Then go to the nurse,” I said immediately, turning around. He tapped my shoulder again and I sighed as I faced him. “Yes, Mr. Woods?”

         Adrian shook his head, glancing outside before looking back at me. “I’m being serious, Azlynn. Something feels really off and I don’t know why,” he frowned.

         I shrugged. I didn’t feel anything wrong. It felt like a regular old Wednesday. But I had no clue of what would be happening very soon…

         Adrian frowned more deeply but dropped the subject, just focusing on his work for the time being. Time ticked by and soon, twenty minutes had past. I was bored so I ended up working on my homework, finishing the problems in record timing but checking over them to make sure I had done everything right.

         But that’s when I heard it. A gunshot.

         I nearly jumped out of my seat and I looked around the room to see all of the other students looking around in confusion, too. But then there was a series of gunshots and screaming could be heard in the hallway. Soon, the entire class was terrified, not knowing what it was, and they were all yelling. My heart was beating frantically in my chest and I looked back at Adrian who had a look of horror on his face.

         “School shooting!” He shouted, a little bit of disbelief in his voice as he did. We had read about school shootings, we had heard about them happening to other schools, and I don’t think either he or I could believe that it was happening to our own little school.

         Immediately, I stood out of my seat and ran to him, clutching him tightly. I didn’t know what to do. I was frozen—paralyzed—with fear, and the sound of the bullets were only getting closer by the second. Looking over, I saw a kid dial nine-one-one on her phone, shouting to be heard over the screams and wails of the other students. Adrian looked down at me and then nodded over to the supply closet. His face wasn’t scared anymore, it was determined.

         “Hide in there and do not come out, no matter what, Azlynn, okay?” he demanded, opening the door roughly and pushing me inside.

         I looked at him for a second, not realizing what that meant for him. It took me a second for it to sink in, but when it did, my heart beat rapidly in my chest and tear sprang from my eyes, falling down my cheeks quickly. “But what about you? Adrian, what are you going to do?!” I asked desperately.

         He gave me a small smile. “You know me, Zee. I’m Adrian Woods. I can get out of anything.” His voice was so sure, so convincing. It was like he knew that he was going to see me the next day.

         But it wasn’t working on me this time. Shaking my head, I pulled at him to fit in the closet with me. “Stop trying to be a hero! You can’t be a hero this time,” I sobbed. “Just hide with me. We can both fit! C’mon!” I begged, getting more and more hysterical. I tried to pull him into the tiny space I had left.

         Adrian instead stepped close and gave me a tight hug. From the close proximity, I could hear his heart thump loudly in his chest. He was scared, too. When he pulled out of the hug, he leaned forward and kissed my forehead. The action made my heart clench and I choked out a sob. “Please don’t leave me…” I begged one last time.

         Adrian pulled away from me completely and smiled sadly. “Love you, Zee. Be good for me, alright?”

         Just then the classroom door burst open and he jerked the door shut as the bullets went off, leaving me to quietly cry in my hands.

         “The police found me a couple hours after the shooting ended, but I will never forget what I saw when I stepped out of the closet. Adrian was among all the dead, fallen against the closet door as if he was guarding it,” I finished.

         The entire crowd was crying. There wasn’t a single dry-eyed person in the audience. Everyone was too enveloped in their grief to even care, though. They were wrapped in their own little world, remembering the hero that they were going to bury.

         I took a step away from the podium and the pastor went to stand, but I held up a hand, signaling him to stop. Taking a few seconds to at least try to compose myself, I cleared my throat and stepped up again. I tried to speak but had to clear my throat just a few more times before I actually could utter a word.

         “So yes, it was my fault that Adrian died. He should’ve put himself first, for once in his life, and left me there, but he didn’t,” I said hoarsely. “But, Mr. and Mrs. Woods, your son died a hero. He saved my life and for that, I’m grateful.” I was quiet a minute, trapped in my own thoughts. “Another thing Adrian had wanted me to do at his funeral was to sing… He always thought I could but I didn’t… I’ll be doing that for him today…”

         I nodded at Jackie, Adrian’s younger sister, and she pushed play on my iPod, plugging it into the speakers to let the music be heard. It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday by Boyz II Men plays for all to hear.

          “How do I say goodbye to what we had? The good times that made us laugh outweigh the bad… I thought we’d get to see forever, but forever’s gone away. It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday…” I sang, my voice slowly getting thicker with each passing note.

         Memories flashed through my mind of Adrian’s smile, his laugh, and just him in general. The way he would always go out of his way to make someone smile; the way he would scrunch his nose when he thought something was gross; the way he would poke at me until he had gotten me mad and then just laugh about it. Adrian was annoying and sometimes rude, but in the end he always had your back.

         Towards the end, my voice shook as I really felt the loss of Adrian Woods with full force. I would miss him. I would miss the routine we had and the jokes we shared and how he always knew what to do in any situation. But with time, I knew I could get over it. With time, I could remember him when he was free and easy, happy.

         Sucking a deep breath, I sang the last words to the song with tears streaming consistently down my face. “And I’ll take with me the memory to be my sunshine after the rain! It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday…”

         Realizing that I never got to return Adrian’s last words to me, I whispered into the microphone, “I love you, Adrian…”