I walk from the hospital building to the deserted hospital play area. Scarlet signs declaring the hospital grounds to be “smoke-free” adorn the walls. People arrogantly ignore these posters puffing fumes into the hospital air. They don’t try to hide the evidence for there are always stubs littering pretty much everywhere.
I am struggling to think, his dying face imprinted at the front of my brain is distracting me. I think it would distract anyone. Some people would say that they don’t want to remember him like that, restricted to a hospital bed, but I want to recall every moment with him. I want to see him forever at his best and worst moments. I want to remember him as he really was. He would want that.
My head is still pounding and I cross the car-park to see two women- in their twenties- dressed in plush pink tracksuits. They are as he would have said “tangoed” with hoop earrings to finish. Their faces are painted like a Crayola creation and their puffy lips are cherry red. In both of their mouths are cigarettes. My tears are now rage and I don’t stop to think.
“What are you doing?” I roar, tears sweeping my cheeks and they ignore me and I repeat myself. They look around and find my adolescent glare fixated on them; they laugh.
The larger of the two, replies patronisingly with a quick smile: “Oh sweetie, the hospital doesn’t mind. I’m only having a quickie.” She moves her index finger to her lips and whispers “Shhh…”
They explode into a guffaw. There is nothing more to say to them.
I stalk off leaving them to kill themselves with pleasure because that is what they are doing. They are exchanging their life for a few moments and there is nothing more to it- but that thought kills me inside. I want to walk up to them and tell them what has just happened in the hospital. I want to ask them if they knew him. I bet they did. I want to tell them of the pain I am enduring, but I refrain. I have such little mercy now and their choices are their own.
My cheeks are still wet from the tears rolling from my puffy eyes, stained red. I wonder if I will be like this forever.
I lay on the damp grass and the sparkly stars above me are twinkling like the fairy lights which decorate a child’s bed. They shine with a sense purity and innocence but we all know the truth- they are flaming spheres of gas. It takes strength to view them as their true selves but I have come to see it. They are everything, and nothing, all at once, just like we are. We fear death but the intelligent should dread oblivion.
It is known to all that death shrouds us all with its mystical cloak. There is such unnecessary fear associated with it; fear of death is pointless because we are always dying. From when we are born we are walking closer to its clutches and nothing can prevent it. No human force can prevent death and fearing the inevitable is useless- it is what petty people do.
You should concern yourself with the prospect of annihilation; we walk too lightly upon the earth to create permanent markings. Facing one’s own annihilation is a personal struggle but if you were to imagine that it was your whole family, which would not be remembered in future years, you find it an extra burden upon your loaded shoulders. Now change the picture; think it will be your country that has been perhaps buried beneath the sea to be forgotten. Finally think your planet has been eradicated after a terrible devastation by your species which has prevented your world from sustaining life and everything is gone and nothing remains. There is absolutely nothing left. Imagine the thought of that.
That is why I don’t fear for death and nor did he. I want infinity. Just a little infinity. I don’t believe in wishes but random luck is always there. It’s about time I had some.