On the Edge
Her strawberry blonde hair lay matted on her wet cheeks, her blue eyes swimming with tears that were ready to fall, as though she hadn’t been crying for the last two hours. She stared at you waiting for you to say something, anything that would take her pain away. But how do you take away someone’s pain if it’s not external? If it can’t be drowned in medication, numbed until you can’t feel anything anymore. How do you find the right words to talk someone off the edge of a metaphorical cliff, but realise all too soon that they are already mid leap in the air, waiting for gravity to take its course? Your heart pulls at the seams as you stare at the person you love whilst they are in dire pain. You can see it on their fatigued faces as they try to control their breathing, slowly giving up on the will to live. There’s nothing you can do but pray to a God you hardly believe in that somehow you find the solution, the answer to making everything better because when that person comes crashing to the ground with no one able to catch them, then you to might make that leap not to soon after. So you do what you think is best, open your arms and wrap them around her as tight as you can. She instantly falls apart, her body racking with each sob that erupts out of her mouth. Tears start falling from your eyes as her wails fill the silent room. You rock her, hoping it sooths the pain just a little bit and you whisper silent words of encouragement in her ear.
Slowly her sobs become quieter and her breaths become slower and slower. Her grip loosens and finally you can start to relax a bit. Soon the room becomes quiet, except for the occasional sniffle that comes from her still form. Somehow you got yourselves to the couch and her head laid in your lap, intermittently rubbing your hands up and down her back. You want to say something, break the silence that has descended but no words that will relieve the tension, come to your mind.
“I found him in the bathroom, on the floor next to the tub,” she said in a ragged breath. It’s the first thing she’s said all night, since she came knocking on your door.
A lump forms in your throat as you picture her 21 year old brother Jacob, who you saw just a day ago. You wonder where this came from and what could’ve triggered this, but then you remember how easy it is to put on a mask, deceiving everybody into thinking that everything is fine. He was probably fighting so many battles that his family was completely oblivious to. You hate that the only time you ever find out there’s something wrong is when it’s too late.
“His skin was so cold and his lips were blue. At first I thought he had just past out from drinking too much but then…. I saw the open bottle of his anti-depressants,” she let out a bitter laugh before continuing, “He stopped taking them years ago, why didn’t he throw the bottle away?”
You look down at her questioning eyes, wondering if she really thinks you could answer that. But then she just turns to look at the ceiling again and lets out a slow calculating breath. Soon after you hear little snores from your lap and realise she fell asleep, hopefully into a restful one.
As you sit in the silence, your mind starts to race as you think about the whole incident. It weighs down on your chest and clouds your mind with so many questions. Questions that may never be answered and you can already feel the anger and resentment start building. How can anyone do this to their family?
You hate to see her in so much pain and you could only imagine the condition of her mother. This is the second child she’s going to bury in the span of 5 years.
Sighing, you carefully move her head off your lap and gently carry her into the guest room. Barely stirring at all, you tuck her in and move to your bedroom and hope to get a good night’s rest.
As your head hits the pillow you’re asleep.
………………….
When people are fighting a losing battle, they don’t think about anybody else, they put all their focus on defeating the demons that threaten to consume them. Some are forced to give up when there’s no one to support them but they don’t realise the consequences that they leave behind. Families are ripped apart and left in complete desolation. But even if you knew of their struggles, would you have the answers they seek? I guess you could tell them of all the things they would miss out on in this life, all the things that they have yet to discover or experience. You could tell them that the rut that they are stuck in has a way out and nothing is too hard to overcome. We have so much to live for and so many lives to change, tell them there’s so much more to come. Tell them anything that would make them see the silver lining in their cloudy days and remind them they aren’t the only ones in this fight.