Looking back at it now it was finally clear, where I had gone wrong, where we had gone wrong. Whenever I thought of you it made my brain hurt, I had no good judgment when it came to you. I was so blind to you but now I had to see as it truly was. I could no longer let my heart rule my mind. As I was thinking about it all I was stuck on one question, how could someone so good be so bad for you?

I remember when we first met; the quick stares and awkward smiles. My heart was beating so loud I swear everyone could hear it, I remember thinking how lucky I was to be here looking at you. I was no longer angry for taking the coffee run but thankful. I remember the first think you said to me, “Crazy crowd, huh?”. I don’t think it mattered what you said to me, your voice made my knees weak and I was lost. Lost in your eyes, your voice… I was lost in you and you knew it.

I remember trying to say something, anything, but you made me forget. Everything, I no longer knew who I was or where I was. All I knew was you. So I smiled like a love struck teenager and nodded hoping that would suffice. It was then that I first saw your smile, your true smile. I could tell them apart anytime. It was real when your upper lip would shrink and your lips stretch to a lopsided smile, your white teeth would be on full display and your left dimple would show. That was real and it was beautiful. You must have caught me starring because you let out a chuckle; music to my ears. I remember blushing and turning away from your view, I had already managed to look like a fool in front of you. What you did next nearly killed me. You had gave me your number, not only that but you had told me you wanted to take me out for coffee. Thinking back, how ironic is that? We met in a coffee shop and yet you wanted to take me out for coffee sometime.

I remember our first date; Coffee. After finding the small ounce of courage I had I finally called you. Even your voice over the phone made me weak and silly. You did most of the speaking, telling me how long you had been waiting for my call and when you wanted to take me out, all while I was ‘mhm’-ing in response. So it was set and I was there waiting for you. I always had to be on time, it was eventually something you didn’t like. I remember sitting at the small round table playing with my half empty cup of tea looking around at the bystanders, so many people came through this coffee shop, people of all kinds. Thinking about it now, this should have been a warning; you were already ten minutes late. But as I was trying to get myself to leave the chime of a new costumer rang and I had a feeling it was you. And it was. You stood in the doorway searching over the strangers until your eyes met mine and a small smile crept on your face. It was then I knew I would never leave you, not even if you were ten minutes late or forty-five, I would always wait for you.

I remember lying in bed the night after our first date; a smile refusing to leave my tired lips. You had magically gotten me to talk. I don’t know how you did it but you did. I had told you so much, it felt like you never got a word in. I told you about my job, about my family, about me… I had opened up to you and you took it all so well. A smile never leaving your lips, not counting when I told you about my favorite dog dying, you even reached out to take my hand at one point. I don’t know how I was still functioning when you did that, I thought I would have combusted and died right there. Thinking about it now it was probably because you wanted me to keep going. I would’ve done anything for you, you wanted me to jump I would, you wanted me to crawl I would. Pathetic right? Seeing it now I’m ashamed I was so willing, so willing to get trapped by you and controlled.

I remember when we had made it official; exclusive. It had been our seventh date, we had gone to the zoo. You must have remembered me telling you how much I loved the zoo on our third date because this one was magical. You had brought me over to the lions; my favorite animal. I was gazing at them, admiring their ferocity and beauty. I should’ve know you weren’t paying attention to them at all. I should’ve know you were looking at me, but what could you be so interested in? I was still me, the girl you had taken to numerous dates before this one. It all clicked when you whispered my name, grabbing my attention. I remember you nervously smiling at me and uttered a question. A question I had wanted to be asked since we stumbled upon each other in the coffee shop. My body had shut down, I could no longer breathe, no longer speak, no longer hear, but you looked into my eyes and I knew you knew. I would always say yes. It wasn’t until we started walking, silence still thick, that I recovered and answered, “Yes.” You didn’t seem to react; you already knew what I would say. And thinking about it now, did you know you had so much control over me? Did you know I would follow you anywhere? You must have or else you wouldn’t have done this to me.

Do you remember when I moved in? I do. Six months after the zoo I had all my belongings into your apartment. It was a slow process, each time I would bring over something till my apartment was empty. You insisted we live in yours considering it was closer to your work. Of course I didn’t put up a fight, I never would. I remember hanging and folding my clothes, putting them away with yours. I don’t know why but they sight of it made my heart flutter. I guess it was because I would now always be with you, every night, every morning… You made dinner that night, lasagna. You could’ve cooked instant Mac n’ Cheese and I would’ve loved it. The action is what counted. We cuddled up on our couch, plates in hand, and watched reruns. It was the perfect welcoming into our apartment.

Our first fight. I don’t remember why I had even said anything, I remember thinking I should’ve kept my mouth shut. But now? I know I was right, you needed to hear what I was thinking. But you never really listened did you? You had come home late for the fifth time that week and I was stuck coming home to a dirt place and had to make dinner. I was tired, but you never noticed. It was that day you claimed to have had a ‘rough day’, as if my day wasn’t, and grumpily demanded dinner. I was about to quietly do as I was told till you mentioned how the laundry wasn’t done. It was this moment I am only proud to look back on, I yelled. I remember feeling so good while doing it, letting all my frustration and anger out, trying to make you listen. But you didn’t, you yelled right back. You continued to yell when I began to cry, if I’m not wrong you got louder. You abused the silence I gave and started to get nastier and louder. It wasn’t until I had made a break for our bathroom and locked myself in it that you stopped. I remember sitting against the door, crying, while I heard you mumbling around the house, things falling and then nothing. After a short while I heard the soft tings of your fork hitting a plate, you had made dinner and were eating. Thinking I was safe to step out, I did. But I didn’t go to you, I went to bed. Thinking I could forget this whole thing and wake up in a new and brighter day.

I remember the first time you hit me. I remember thinking it was my fault, maybe if I didn’t question where you had been all night you wouldn’t have raised your hand and smacked my cheek hard. How stupid was I, to think it was my fault. The truth is it was your fault, you had hit me and I was in no wrong to ask where you had been. You had left a faint bruise which I had to cover up for weeks. You never mentioned it, nor apologized. Life went on, we still laughed, we still kissed, we still loved each other; at least I loved you. Did you ever love me?

It wasn’t long after you had first hit me that you had proposed to me. Looking back on the time in between these two events I should’ve left. I should have left you right as you hand hit me, never to return. But I stayed, as I always did. You proposed to me at the coffee shop we met in, a cute gesture. It took me so off guard, yet I was happy. I don’t know why, after what had happened I was still happy. Maybe because I knew that you still wanted me. Foolish. But I cried like a baby, saying yes over and over again until I couldn’t breathe. You looked happy too, believe it or not, you had a real smile on your beautiful face. I remember thinking maybe this was when all the good times would continue, we would forget the hitting incident and our minor fights and continue being the happy couple we were before I moved in.

We had no honeymoon, your choice because of how important work was. I let it sly; I wasn’t one to like traveling. I loved it where ever you were. It was a week after marrying you, a week of officially being yours and you being mine, I had gotten the news. Was it so bad the first thought I had was if you were going to like it or not? I think so, I should’ve have been excited and happy but no, I was worrying about your reaction. “A Baby?”, you had asked over and over as I told you over dinner. I didn’t know if it was good or bad, all I knew was that I wish I never brought it up. It wasn’t until I felt you hand softly caress my cheek that I noticed I had spaced out worrying about it. You made eye contact, hooking me, and smiled. I should’ve known it wasn’t real, I should have seen that your left dimple didn’t show and your smile wasn’t crooked but forced and fake. But I was naïve, I thought you were genuinely happy about it.

A new house was a must. We both knew we couldn’t raise our child in the small one bedroom apartment. I remember looking at so many houses, it was exhausting. As my belly grew, my feet swelling and back hurting we looked at numerous houses. All the ones I loved you hated, of course we bought the one you loved. It wasn’t that bad though, the location was nice, the view was great but it didn’t feel like home to me. We painted the room pink, due to the findings it was a precious baby girl. Furniture already bought for her room and clothes already hung. I was so excited to have your child, to have something be ours truly. To see her, hold her, love her and raise her… together. We would finally feel like a family.

I remember giving birth like it was yesterday. How could you forget it? The moment her cries were heard over my harsh panting and the doctors murmurs. You were there, holding my hand and looking at our baby. She was cleaned off and placed in my hands, she was so beautiful. I remember crying and crying because I had made this, we had made her. She would be ours and I loved her already. I remember you holding her for the first time, the smile you wore was real and looking back on it now I am so relieved. You looked at her as though you never wanted to let go, I couldn’t blame you though, I never wanted to let her go either. It was then that you graced me with the choice; I would be able to pick her name. So I went with the first name I thought of, Grace. She was my living Grace.

So many memorable things happened over the years, Grace starting to crawl, talk, walk, and climb and so on. Each moment I was so proud of her, she was so smart and strong. You were there too, you were always there to cheer her on and kiss her all over, and it was a beautiful thing, you and her. The love you two shared, the bond, was unmistakable.

It was three days before her sixth birthday; the day, the day when all things would be nothing but downhill. I had caught you in the act, you better be thankful Grace hadn’t. It was our neighbor across the street, I should’ve known too. You and Grace spent so much time over there it was ridiculous. I try not to remember the feeling it gave me seeing you two like that. It was like my stomach dropped, like my lunch was ready to come back up, like my heart had been torn out and stomped on a million times by the both of you. It truly felt like I was dying. The sad thing about it all was that you actually yelled at me! And I did think it was my fault like you said, I believed you because I loved you. We didn’t talk about it, you never apologized, I tried to forget.

It was our anniversary; the one I ‘ruined with a stupid question’ but really you ruined it with a single action. You had hit me again, and I was scared. I was no longer the only one I had to watch out for but my sweet Grace. We were driving to a nice restaurant an hour away when I asked if you were still seeing her. I didn’t expect you to get so angry so fast, but you did. You pulled over and glared at me as if I was the one in the wrong, then you slapped me, twice. I remember trying to become one with door, trying to disappear. Eventually you cooled off and began driving again, not paying attention to me or my soft crying. It was when we arrived to the restaurant that you told me to “look presentable” which I followed and tried to hold myself together. The night had been ruined and I know now it was not my fault.

The first time I brought up divorce; Grace was twelve. Grace was at her friend’s house while you were in your study and I was cleaning. I had the idea for a while now but never had the courage to talk about it. I found the courage when I happened to run across ladies underwear which I knew weren’t mine. So instead of getting angry or sad I knew what I had to do. Bringing it up to you was easy, getting you to agree? Hard. You laughed in my face, saying “You’ll never leave me”, you and I both knew you were right. I could never leave you.

The final straw; Grace was seventeen. You claimed to have a week long business conference but I knew better. You were going to see her; you never really stopped did you? But I decided I finally had enough, enough of your pathetic excuses and making me feel bad and guilty. So I began to snoop, I found out where you were staying and I followed you there. This is where things become hazy, no matter how hard I try to remember every detail all I can remember is how the sky looked bright and sunny, like it was the perfect day to do it. I barely remember going up the elevator in the high class hotel with the card key to your suite, opening your door and seeing you with her again. But this time there was not feeling, I was numb, I was lifeless as I starred at you and her. And in those seconds I knew I was doing the right thing. With two loud shots you and she would no longer be intruding on my life. I don’t even remember firing it, but I opened my eyes and it was a disaster.

Panic; I called the police crying. I had killed my husband and my neighbor. Being taken into custody was still hazy, no words left my mouth. My thoughts were all focused on how much better my life would be now without you, without the burden or the guilt trips. I remember when the officer started taking me to the station and I spoke aloud for the first time “I’m free”. It was a long night and next day they questioned me, tested me, and booked me. I still had no other thoughts then to rejoice.

Insanity; did you know I’m crazy? I never would have thought I was crazy but it all makes sense now, it was you. You made me this way, you messed with my head and now I was the one living with the known fact that I am crazy. So I sit here in the Psych ward in my own little room starring at pictures of my Grace growing up without me because of you. People have been in and out to see me, asking me the same questions: “Why’d you do it?” And “Do you regret it?” Its always the same answers from me but I want you to know exactly why I did it, I want to know why I did it. I killed you because you are the lowest piece of scum on this planet, you abused me, you manipulated me and you ruined my life. I no longer have my sanity thanks to you and I will never be able to get back to where I was before you. Do I regret it? No, I would do it over and over if I could. The feeling of releasing the shackles you put me in was so invigorating.

Thankful; you may have been a piece of work but you have taught me lessons. Because of you I no longer let people push me around, I am stronger now. Now I can finally see things clear, without you poisoning them. I can finally forget all the guilt and pain you caused me, for no reason, I am happy. I know once we were happy and in love but somewhere we got lost. Just like how I was lost in you the day we first met. I should’ve know we were doomed from the start, form the first ten minutes you were late I should’ve known. But you gave me Grace, my pride and joy. I will never regret having her, even if she is yours as well.

Grace; my one and only. She tells me she visits your grave. Although I don’t like hearing it I know she misses you. You two had that bond, you really loved her. But don’t mistake that for forgiveness , she hates you. You think she didn’t see the bruises? The yelling? The crying? The cheating? She’s a very smart girl, you should know that. She visits me every Sunday and Wednesday; we always talk and catch up on her life. She’s going to Yale, I’m so proud of her. She even has a boyfriend who is so handsome and polite; I worry for her though because she is my daughter and what if she falls for a man like you? Will she have the strength to get out? She assures me she would never let a man rule her, all I can do is trust her. And I do.

The end; I am free.