I stirred awake in my stiff bed, still drugged by the throes of sleep. There was a warm touch stroking my ribcage. I startled in surprise, searching the abandoned room. My head twisted looking for the source, but it was nothing; it was merely the sunlight’s dancing tendrils penetrating the window that woke me up. Again.
I collapsed back onto my bed and cleared my throat, trying to get rid of that lump.

There was a knock at the door, and a familiar voice rang through. “Hey Dad, when are we going to go?”

I glanced at the calendar hanging at the top of the headrest. March 14th. The date was circled, along with some scribbled words written in red ink. “Celebrate Alex w/ Aster.”

I sat on the side of the bed, letting out a deep sigh of anxiety. How would she react? Would she like it? I peered behind me at the makeup and jewelry on the shelf.

I cleared my throat again. “Give me fifteen minutes, Jackie.”

“Sure thing. I made breakfast downstairs whenever you’re ready.” Her soft footsteps flew down to the kitchen.

I dragged myself to the bathroom, wringing out all the sore muscles on my way to the shower. I reached down to grab my shampoo, knocking over a few empty bottles of Pantene.
The echo resounded through the empty linoleum bathroom. Filled with the boredom a shower brings, I grabbed the bottle and started to read the back.

“Lavender. Guaranteed to fix split ends in two weeks.”

I finished up the shower and started to shave in a mirror that spanned the whole room. One half of the mirror was polished and clear; the other was untouched, gathering speckles of dirt as time wore on. I paid no attention to the multitude of dusty beauty products at the other sink. Blush, mascara, lipstick, whatever. I long forgot what lay in that pile. It’s been a few years.
I trudged to the closet to pick out my normal, casual wear. I pushed aside the dresses, skirts, and blouses and chose what Aster always loved—a plain white tee and jeans. She was a woman of simple taste.
I walked down the stairs to the kitchen and saw Alex devouring eggs and waffles.
“Hey Dad!” he said, getting a few bits of soggy waffles all over the table.
He looked at me with that childish smirk. I looked at him with pursed lips.
Jackie scoffed. “Ugh, you’re such a pig, Alex. That’s so bad for you.”
“But how can something that tastes so good be bad for you?” he asked, turning, letting more chunks of soggy waffles fly out of his mouth.
Jackie rushed for a towel. “Come on, Alex! I just cleaned this table! Talking with your mouth full. You’re still such a kid.”
Alex stuck his tongue out at her, as if not a care in the world. “Quit nagging me. Not like you’re my mom!”
Jackie rushed to cover Alex’s mouth. I cringed at his words, but not as much as I used to. It was a slow process, but it would get there. I actually didn’t mind the pain—it reminded of what I used to have.
I gave zero attention to Alex’s remark, but Jackie was still tense, scolding and reprimanding her brother. Sometimes… He was just so ignorant, so blind, so stupid. So painful. Every second I saw him was agonizing. But he was Aster’s son, and I had to live with that. I lied to myself again and again that he was just a kid, that he was not involved with Aster, that he had no part. But he’d have to learn the truth. Someday, he’d learn.
“It’s your brother’s birthday, Jackie. Can’t you let go a little?” I smirked.
“Of course I can’t,” she chuckled, letting go of her breath.

I grabbed a banana from the fruit bowl on the table, right next to the vase of flowers. “Alright, kids, you ready to go?”

They both nodded as syrup dripped from Alex’s mouth. Ew.

“Jackie, get the balloons, Alex get the flowers. I’ve got the cake. I’ll be in the car in a bit.”

I headed over to the fridge to grab Alex’s cake—vanilla yellowcake with a cookie dough center, pushing aside other leftovers. I wish I had more than just a banana, but nothing in the fridge mattered much to me. Cold pizza, stale rice, Alex’s birthday cake—I didn’t really care for anything.
I shuffled to the garage with the cake in my hands. I couldn’t let Alex handle the cake. He could destroy it, and I didn’t know what I would do if he destroyed Aster’s—Alex’s—cake. When I walked into the garage, Alex and Jackie were arguing about who should sit on the passenger side.

“Look, I’m 16. You’re 9. I’m learning how to drive. You’re not. I should be in the front seat so I can watch Dad,” she remarked with an annoyed tone.

“You’re not the boss of me,” he said.
Jackie and I both groaned. Alex was just reaching that rebellious stage.
“I just wanna sit with Dad and feel what it’s like to be grown-up,” he whined.

I set the cake in the back and went up to Alex. “Alex, please. I don’t want to fight, so stop. Just get in the back.”

Alex lost all his playful delight when he heard his father. He looked at me with desolate, unrelenting eyes as he climbed into the back.
“You can come up here next time, Alex,” she rejoiced before sitting up front.
She flashed a smile that reminded me of Aster. I paused. She was definitely growing up in her spitting image. I started the car and pulled out of the driveway, feeling the same uncertainty I felt every year.


Jackie and Alex bickered and bantered about everything. It was something new every minute. Half an hour ago they fought about where to go for lunch and now they fought about the better TV show. I paid little attention to their quips when I passed by Aster’s favorite ice cream store.
My mind drifted to our first date. I lay on the grass staring up at the passing clouds, bathing in sunlight. A few empty cups of ice cream lay melting. There was a lake at our feet. Our backpacks were dangerously close to falling in, but we didn’t care as little ducks swam in circles in the still water, pushing aside autumn leaves. We lay in each other’s warm embrace as we marveled at the clouds. She always loved clouds, wanting to just reach up in the sky and perhaps chew a chunk off like a piece of cotton candy. I remembered turning my head to face her, to give some response, but was amazed at her blond hair and striking blue eyes. She noticed my gaze and faced me to return her own. Her monologue on clouds faded into the air as she just watched me. As we stared into each other’s eyes, I couldn’t resist the urge to move closer; neither could she. I remembered feeling her moist lips and soft skin as I cupped her cheeks. I closed my eyes in ecstasy, still in disbelief that such an angel would ever like me.
She pulled back with a smile. “You know, your breath smells a little like cotton candy.”
I was taken aback. “Hey! You were the one who wanted to come here, Ms. Cookie Dough!”
She laughed as she leaned in for another kiss. I didn’t mind the cookie dough taste. It was her favorite after all.
I opened my eyes, expecting to see her face staring back at me with that exalted smile, but only saw the glare of the red light. I shook that sinking feeling off my shoulders and heard a snippet of Jackie’s conversation.

“…so much smarter. It’s pretty obvious, I mean look at you,” Jackie smirked.

“Nuh-uh. There’ve been only like five famous woman scientists in all of history,” Alex retaliated.

“That’s because it’s called HIS-tory. History is dominated by men.”

“That’s because guys are stronger. We’re all better at sports.”

“Excuse me?” Jackie burst. “Have you ever heard of the WNBA? Besides, I can take down Warren any time.”

“You know that a league is bad when you have to specify that they are women. And isn’t Warren the guy you’ve got a crush on? And Paul the last week?”

“No! What are you talking about?” She quickly defended herself and looked out the window. “What about Lauren,” she teased.

“What about her? Nothing’s going on.”

They sounded exactly like me in my teenage days, of when I first met Aster. “You guys can ask your mother. She’s good with this kind of stuff. We’re pretty close by anyhow.”

A few minutes passed. I pulled into the Angelus Memorial. Alex and Jackie silenced their arguing, looking out the window. Alex had his arms guarding the cake and Jackie had her chin resting in her hands as I drove past the prairie of headstones poking out of the grass. I stared at the pavement ahead without thought, breathing deeply and blinking slowly, ignoring all the gravel monuments except for one. I came to a stop in front of a tombstone with flowers littered across it. I stepped out and immediately drifted towards the headstone, leaving Jackie and Alex behind, being careful to not let them see my tears.
Here lies Aster Bella Gardner
November 11th, 1962—March 14th, 2004
Loving mother and wife
“The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living”- Marcus Cicero

Alex clasped the balloons with hands in his pockets, doing his best to pay respects to a mom he never met. Jackie came up behind me, carrying a piece of cake. We ate the cake in silence, leaving one slice on the top of the grave to bask in sunlight. Alex placed the balloon strings underneath a rock, watching them follow the blow of the wind. We stood there for minutes, playing through memories of their wife and mother. Except for Alex.
Sensing their time was up, Jackie took Alex back to the car. I remained standing there, looking at the headstone. I kneeled on the grass and took an aster out of the bouquet. I kissed the tip and stuck it into the ground.
“How’s it going, Aster?” I placed the rest of the flowers at the base of the headstone. “It’s Alex’s birthday today. But I’m sure you already knew that though.”
I stroked the stone as the operating room came back. The frantic doctors, the pained screaming, all the blood. All the red blood. “Code Blue! Code Blue!” a doctor shouted down the hall. But it was pointless. I held Aster’s hand as she cradled Alex in her arms. I couldn’t stop shaking as sobs and wails racked my body. Aster just looked at me with faint eyes, whispering her very last words.
“Danny?” she whispered.
I looked up and cupped her face, fully aware of my shaking hand and sweating face. “Aster? Yes? What is it? Talk to me. Just a little more, just please, Aster, don’t.”
I begged. And cried. And screamed. She just couldn’t…
She clenched my shaking fingers, laying Alex between us, speaking with a raspy voice. “I love you. And I’ve been so happy. So please, promise me. Love our son.”
I would never forget the happiness in her eyes as the dreaded, flat frequency resounded throughout the room. Doctors stopped in their tracks, and the nurses paused midway through the door. Through the constant hum of the hospital equipment came a baby’s cry, piercing through the deathly block of solitude that encompassed the room.
A doctor stepped in. “Sir, we need to take your son right now. He is in critical condition, and if his jaundice isn’t taken care of…”
I hesitated. Then I stepped away. The doctors took Alex away from the corpse as I cried over her body.
What would I tell Jackie? Hey, sorry that your mom died, but at least you’ve got a brother. What could I say? I had it made. I had it all. A wife. A daughter. A career. A life. A family. The mortgage was going to be paid off next month; we were going to go to the Caribbean next summer; we were starting up a business. My wife greeted me with a loving kiss every single night, and my daughter presented a drawing she made in art class every single damn night. I smiled at the end of each day, and I relished in the feeling of having it made, of having my Dream. Of finally having a family. But now, it was gone. And my only compensation lay in IC. And the question ran through my mind: What next?
I rested my hand on the cross, struggling to remain on my feet. I didn’t want Alex to see my weakness. After nine years of doing the same thing, I got used to it. It certainly didn’t help to cry about it, but it certainly didn’t hurt.
I glanced behind me. Jackie and Alex stood with their heads down. Jackie played with her hands while Alex dug his foot into the ground. Maybe it was his fault. Maybe if he wasn’t alive, Aster would still be around. Maybe if he wasn’t alive, I would still have a family. But Alex didn’t have a clue. He just knew his mom was dead, not how she died or anything. Alex merely wished he had the chance to know his mom. He grew up without knowing the truth. But Jackie knew. She learned over time to forgive Alex, but that green monster still lay inside of her, biding its time, waiting for its chance to break free.
I thought the same thing. If Alex wasn’t alive then maybe….
No. I thought that maybe after nine times of asking the same question, I would’ve answered it by now, have reached some sort of closure. Evidently not.
I stood up and trudged back to the car, feeling unsure. As I walked by Alex, I paused. I looked at his brown hair, his sorrowed eyes, his childlike-desire to please. I sighed. Even nine years from that day, I could only see Aster.
“Love our son.”
We looked at each other for a few moments, until Alex spoke up. “Dad?”
My eyes saw him, but my brain saw Aster. Her pained eyes, her last wish. “Just promise me, love our son.”
But I couldn’t. The brat that took my family away from me. I couldn’t.
I turned and continued walking back to my car. Alex just looked at his sister with broken eyes, lost and estranged, in need of some form of love from someone.
Alex and Jackie walked behind. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a blonde figure that I haven’t seen since the operating room, but it was just Jackie. Jackie… It was astonishing how much she had become like her mother.
I started up the car without a word. Alex and Jackie looked back at the tombstone. We all drove out of the memorial filled with thoughts and sorrow. And relief.
The car dragged itself along the highway. The car was filled with the comforting sound of spinning rubber against concrete. It distracted everyone from talking.
“I’m hungry,” Alex finally said.
Jackie rolled her eyes and I gave a small, smirking sigh. I had to admit, family wrecker or not, he was still cute as hell.
“So, what do you guys want for lunch?”
The car erupted in debates over where to eat.
“Monty’s is the best.”
“But what about CiCi’s! I want some pizza!”
“Ugh. Pizza is so bad for you.”
“Fine then. I wanna go to that steak restaurant!”
“Ugh. Steak is so bad for you.”
I felt betrayed, absolutely powerless by that hospital bedside. I could’ve done more, something to help her. Now that she disappeared, I didn’t know what to do. She was gone.
But the girl in the passenger seat and the young man in the back said otherwise. To my right I saw Aster herself, the very image of Aster, and behind me I saw Aster’s memory, the person she continued to live on through. But with her memory, I saw her death. And I just couldn’t.
But I made a promise to Aster. I would care for her—our—son. It was such a struggle. Maybe if I put the family gun in my mouth and pulled, I’d see her again, picking out clouds like her favorite cotton candy. But there was more to that than just picking apart clouds.
I tapped my fingers against the steering wheel. There was this one little bit convincing me to stay, keeping me alive, but I wasn’t sure what it was… Before it was Aster and Jackie, but now it’s just Jackie and… what?
“Well, it’s your birthday, Alex. We’ll go to where you want to, I guess,” I said apathetically.
“Hooray! Let’s go get some steak!” he proclaimed.
Jackie fell back in her seat and rolled her eyes in exasperation. “Uck.”
“Like a real family meal!” Alex said.
I came to a slow stop at a red light. Alex looked at me, eagerly waiting for a response. Jackie peered at me with tense eyes; she knew that family was a tender topic around me.
I sighed and scrunched my face, feigning exhaustion, but really hiding a few tears from Alex and her.
“Yeah,” I nodded. “I suppose. Like a real family.”
The light turned green as the car erupted into life.
“Like a family, Aster,” I said with the quietest breath. And Jackie breathed again with the faintest smile on her face.
I thought I felt the corners of my mouth turn up, but it faded. It hadn’t happened for nine years; why would it happen now?
Jackie’s eyes glanced towards me. Maybe, in time, it would happen.