I clutched the leg of my desk chair like it was the only thing keeping me on the ground. My breathing became shallow and fast, and the walls started to close in. I knew full well what was happening, but I was going to try my hardest to prevent it. I moved my hand just a few inches to the left and felt around for his leg. Grey sat behind me and I needed him now. I needed to get his attention without drawing attention to myself. My breathing was even faster and I was starting to sweat. Don’t draw attention to yourself Cara. Just breathe. It’s just algebra. This is not a reason for a panic attack. You’re fine; just breathe. You’re fine; just breathe. I chanted the mantra over and over in my head but it was getting harder and harder to breathe. I finally reached back far enough to grab what felt like Grey’s pant-leg.

“Cara? Are you okay? Just breathe sweetheart.” Grey was whispering in my ear and stroking my back in the only way that wouldn’t be seen by my other classmates, but I was too far gone. The white-board was a blurry mess and I could no longer hear Mrs. Wallace’s voice. I needed to get out of the room.

This wasn’t the first time I had a panic attack in class. They were a frequent problem with me, but when my classes got harder the panic attacks got much worse.
Unfortunately Mrs. Wallace had to witness more than one of my attacks. Math wasn’t my best subject.

“I’m going to get you out of here okay? Hold on Cara. It’s going to be alright.” Grey’s tenor voice soothed me, but didn’t stop the tightening of my throat.

“You are worthless! Do you hear me? Worthless! I wish you had never been born! You are just like your father; your no good cheating father! I hate you!” I hugged my favorite doll closer and let the tears fall freely. I hated it when mother yelled like this, but what came after the yelling was much worse. Mother took a slow step towards me but didn’t raise her arms. Maybe she wouldn’t lash out. “You disgust me,” she said through her teeth. Mother raised her arm slowly so I knew what was coming. She brought the back of her hand to my face and left me in shock. The blows hurt more and more each time she lashed out. Mother let out a grunt and turned to leave the room. I put my small hand to my bloody face and sobbed.

“Cara! Cara listen to me! Cara snap out of it! Come on, it’s okay!” I didn’t even realize I had moved from Mrs. Wallace’s classroom. I was curled up in Grey’s lap with my head resting against his chest. He must have carried me out to the back steps. It was our favorite spot to go when we didn’t feel like going to class.

I turned my head to look up at Grey. His eyes were full of fear and anguish. Grey has been my only friend through my issues and panic attacks, and I knew he hated seeing me like that. I didn’t want to talk about the memories I had during this panic attack. I wanted to lighten the mood and get back to class before anyone could question my sanity, even though I’m sure they already did.

“Knock Knock.” I whispered, and tried to hold in the laugh bubbling in my throat. If I laughed after that even Grey would think I was crazy.

“This isn’t funny Cara. You scared my to death.” Grey looked at me with serious eyes but I could tell he wanted to hear the end of my joke.

“Come on Grey. Don’t be so serious all the time.” I snuggled closer to his chest. It was my way of thanking him. Actually saying the words would just be awkward.

“Who’s there?” Grey pressed his lips to the top of my hair.

“Doris.” I grinned. This one was my favorite. I had a thing for dumb jokes.

“Doris who?” I could already feel Grey chuckling.

“Doris locked, that’s why I’m knocking!” I laughed loudly as I finished my joke. Grey hugged my tighter and joined in with my laughter, and in that moment I was thankful for my best friend, my constant, and the only normal part of my life that I knew would never leave.