I slowly walk back to my room. Another lovely depressing day, I think to myself as I open the door. I take off the chain that I wear around my neck everyday and I hold it in my palm. I look at myself in the mirror. I look at my hazel green eyes with yellow specks in them, and I pick at my short dark brown hair. I play connect the dots with my freckles. I take off my shirt and I can see my ribs poking out. Other people would see 16 year old Jake looking back at them, but what I see is much worse. I spit on the mirror.

“Disgusting,” I say as I turn to walk away with the necklace in my hand. I land on the bed with a flop and I feel the tears begin to burn my eyes. I shake my head. “I can't do this anymore,” I whisper to myself. I get up and look over at the table, where my anti-depressives were. I pick the bottle up and throw it against the wall. “Nothing is working!” I scream to the wall as I fall to my knees and begin crying. I turn around and push my self against the wall. I hold up the necklace and see the object dangling at the end of it. I undo the necklace and take out the smooth piece of metal. It feels familiar, and the feelings come back. It overwhelms me. I look over at the scars that I've made in the past. I bring up what I have longed for up to my skin and begin to tear it open. I take a deep breath and a little smile comes across my face. All the old feelings of relief come back to me and I lean my head against the wall. “Better” I say, barely over a whisper. I go to the bathroom and begin to wash away the blood. I stand there with my arm under the shower head for about 40 minutes. When the bleeding finally stops, something inside me screams that I don't deserve it to stop. Something in my head screams that I'm not allowed to live. I go back to my bedroom. I open up my phone and there's a text from her and a text from him. I'm in love with her, even though he's my boyfriend. I open up the one from her first. It reads:

“Hey! You okay? Saw you were a bit bummed out today....hope everything is fine! <3 <3”. I text her back that I'm fine, even though I'm not. I open up the message from my boyfriend.

“Hy luv! Hpe u had a nice day! Sry I culdnt cum 2 ur prsntatin....ws rly busy. Luv u!” I reply that it was okay. I want to break up with him, but how do you break up with the only person who can ever love you? I get a text from her and it reads:

“I'm coming over! I'll be there in two minutes” I reread the words. Zoe is coming over, I think to myself. A deep pit of guilt builds in my stomach. She's the only one that knows what I do to myself, and she's been helping me through this. She would never tell me that she's disappointed in me and she would never make me promise to stop, but I will see the hurt in her eyes. I will feel the guilt in my mind. I hear a ring at the door. I get up from bed, choose a sweater that goes over my hands and make my way downstairs. I move slowly so that it takes a while. Even though I'm gay, I remember the first day I met Zoe. She had long flowing hair and she glowed in the dark room like no one else. Her smile made all the bad go away and her laugh rang like birds singing in the early hours of the morning. Everything about her was perfect. Her stance, her confidence. Her music taste was the best out there. It was ranged from Suicide Silence to Ed Sheeran. All the ones that I think are lovely. Her personality was so kind and gentle. She helps out everyone she can and I admire that about her. Her mind is rich and full of knowledge and can sometimes be darker than the inner sea. Her thoughts are at random and are at peace, all at once. Her eyes are a deep blue, which matches her dark brown hair. Everything she does is graceful. When she's too tired to put on make up and comes to school in sweatpants and is herself, is when I love her at most. The fact that she can do anything and look like a Goddess mesmerizes my thoughts. The way she chews on her bottom lip when she's focusing, the way her eyes never give off anything. I'm in love with Zoe. But she loves someone else. She doesn't love me. She doesn't love the monster that I can be. She can't love a monster, now can she? How can anyone? I open the door and there she was. Her smile brighter than the moon and her eyes lovelier than the stars. She walks in and gives me a hug. I don't want to let her go. We walk into the living room and we take a seat. She rests her head on my shoulder and I turn on the TV. Adventure Time is on.


“So why were you upset today?” She asks. I look at her.

“I wasn't upset, that's just my face,” I reply, hoping that she'll just leave it there. But that's not Zoe.

“Stop lying,” she says as she sits up right. She looks into my eyes and I look away. My worst fear is that one day she'll see me the way I see myself, that's why I refuse to make eye contact with her. I stare at the TV. “Jake, I'm being serious here.” I look into her deep blue eyes. I force myself to keep eye contact. She starts biting her lip. I know she wants to ask the question. The one that we're both dreading. She knows she has to ask, and I know that eventually she will ask. We sit there, facing each other. My parents aren't home yet so there wont be any lucky interruptions. She opens her mouth a little but hesitates. I know she's afraid to ask. I would be to if I had a suicidal friend who has attempted to disappear 4 too many times. She takes a deep breath. Okay, here we go, I think to myself as I brace myself for the question to come. “Will you please lift up your sleeves?” she says as she blinks the tears away from her eyes. I begin shaking but I do as I'm told. I slowly move my hand upwards and drag the left sleeve up. I didn't make any new ones on this arm. The old disgusting scars are still there. I hesitate as I slowly move to the other side and begin to lift the sleeve. She turns away as I unmask the huge gashes in my arms. I see a tear roll down her cheek and I can feel some coming out of my eyes. I quickly roll down my sleeves and clean of the tears off my cheeks. She clears her beautiful face off as well. She looks back at me. And this time, I can't help but look at her. I stare into her eyes and I look at her lips. I slowly begin to lean forward and she does as well. I gently put my hands on the back of her neck and pull her towards me softly. I feel the light touch of her lips as we began to collide. After about two seconds she pulls back. She shakes her head. “I can't do this.” She gets up and runs out the door.

“Zoe wait!” I say as I try to get up but I trip over my shoes. Idiot, I think to myself as I struggle to my feet. By the time I get up, she's halfway up the block. I slam the door and begin punching it. I run back up stairs and grab the blade that I used and the pills that I hide under my bed. I don't care if people will think that this is a stupid reason. I've dealt with too much for the last 37 months. I get a new full bottle and pour half of it into my mouth and swallow. I vertically tear open my vein on my wrist. An odd feel of happiness and guilt comes over me. I look over at the blood pouring out of my arm. It keeps flowing, and a lot comes out at once. I try to examine the tear, but my sight is too blurry. I can feel the pills work their way through my body and I begin to feel sick. I fall to the floor, I try to get up but I'm too dizzy. I begin to cry and I can feel the vomit coming out of my mouth. It feels different from the way I usually do it with two fingers lodged down my throat. I hear the door open and I hear Zoe scream.

“No! Jake, please don't! PLEASE! I'm so so sorry!” She screams and begins to hug me. I try to mutter out the best I could but I feel my body going cold.

“I-I l-l-love you,” I manage out, barely over a whisper. She begins to cry harder and kisses my head.

“I love you too,” she says crying harder. I can feel my blood leaving me and the pills leaving my stomach. I can feel her arms and I can-