Call me Jeffrey
If there is one thing you should know about me, it is that I use to be as insecure as a teenage girl who measured her waist every day. I wasn’t ashamed of my slightly protruding stomach or the fact that I often mismatched two very distinct socks. For me, it was nothing really physical. So I didn’t have rock hard abs but I was always a decent looking fellow. My insecurity appeared when I was faced with any sort of decision making.
I never felt that a choice I made was the correct one. On some days, I would even be stuck for ten minutes in the tenth aisle of my grocery store battling over which Cup-O-Noodle favor to pick. Yes, I understand what you might be thinking about. They’re 79 cents each, get both. But if you are questioning my logic skills, you failed to understand the severity of my insecurity.
Because of my in definitive nature, I soon allowed everyone to make my decisions for me. I let my girlfriends decide what I would wear, my mother would tell me how to style my house, and my best friend would repeatedly suggest that I should lend him “a couple bucks”. I even allowed my boss to lower my salary and extend my hours in an office I hated to sit in for a job I despised.
I had slight attacks of depression. After a breakup, I would look at family photos of my older brother’s successful wedding. My bar mates kept reminding me of their promotions. Even my younger sister would send me a postcard from Australia with a message saying, “Hey littler big brother, check out where they sent me this time! Life’s good in the outback.” It was me who always dreamed of Australia. They were all living their dream jobs in their dream city with their beautiful wives and husbands while I sat in cramped apartment watching “Jersey Shore” with my mentally challenged bulldog. Yes, mentally challenged. Proof of this is his inability to walk forward as well as his excessive barking every time he saw himself in the mirror. Contrary to what most believe, it’s not cute. His backward walking was a constant reminder of my life as a failure. I was going backwards in life as everyone else was moving on leaving me in the dust. At least my dog enjoyed himself. At that moment, and many more, I hated my family and my friends. I hated my boss for being such money-hungry, greedy, dirtbag. But most often, I found myself cursing life. It was life’s fault and everything bad was because life had condemned me to hell on earth.
I was walking down the street one day when I approached a homeless man. He looked about fifty with his worn out body, bruises on his face, and a piece of cloth hanging around his torso that resembled a depleted t-shirt. I couldn’t help but wonder if underneath that scraggily beard and the wild hair, there was a younger man who only looked aged because life had beaten him up. We had that in common. We were the pushovers of life’s bullying. His hair, although untamable, was a healthy brown color as opposed to a white or grey shade an elderly man would wear. He was the typical image of a man who lived on the streets. He was wrapped in a few jackets as he slept on the latest copies of “The Oklahoma Times”. He seemed to be keeping up with the rest of the world. Continuing his portrait, there was a coffee cup on the ground with written words I didn’t bother to read, a copy of “Of Mice and Men”, and scraps of “Dunkin Donuts”. To top it off, a golden kitten sat beside him watching my every move. He was as fixed to his human companion as a newborn was to his mother. As I walked pass the intriguing man and cat duo, I dropped all the change I managed to collect from my pockets into the cup.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” As I listened to these forceful words, I wasn’t sure if someone had actually yelled at me or if God was upset that I didn’t give more money to the Man and Cat. I turned around only to see the young-old “Of Mice and Men” reader sitting up with his frowned eyebrows.

“I’m sorry,” I replied. “Are you talking to me?”

“Why don’t you take a look around you? Do you see anyone else throwing change into my cup?” I have to admit, I was slightly perplexed at why that was a problem. Whoever said that every good deed goes unpunished was surely mistaken. With my confusion came a slight touch of anger. Why was I getting scolded at for a good deed by the man I did that good deed for? This confusion slowly came to a halt after I read the words on the cup I disregarded seconds earlier. As Man pointed to the cup, and the Cat kept staring, I read the capitalized message on the cup: DON’T YA THROW ANY CHANGE IN MY CUP! I was never any good at reading directions. Once, back when I was just a scrawny kid, I was baking cookies for Mother’s Day. The recipe said “1 Dash of salt”. Instead, I put a couple of handfuls.

“I’m so sorry sir. I didn’t read the cup. I-

“You what? Expected I needed your pity? If I want money, I sure as hell can get a job. You don’t owe me nothing. If want a couple of coins, I can sure as hell get off my ass and get it myself. I don’t need idiots like you dropping me a couple pennies because if I want something bad enough, I sure as hell gonna get it myself.” The kitten started meowing as if to agree with him. I felt ashamed, shocked, and all the other things I felt when my mother scolded at. Although at the time I was blind to the fact, this encounter with Man and Cat might have changed my life. It was from them that I learned that life can be rewarding and cruel, but it didn’t owe you a damn thing and sitting on your ass crying about it wouldn’t change a thing. Life doesn’t make decisions for you, you’re in charge of that all by yourself. I learned more from Man and Cat than I ever did in any class. I don’t remember what kind of an element Xeron is but I remembered Man and Cat’s speech for the rest of my life.

As I started walking away to ease the anger of Man and Cat, he yelled back at me.

“Hey boy?!”

“Meow.”

“Yes?”

And in a calm, settled tone he told me, “You ruined my coffee with your damn coins. Why don’t you get me a new one, eh?”
I am absolutely certain that that was the first day that I had ever bonded with a homeless man over a cappuccino. I was hesitant at first because I was afraid I might do something to offend Man again. Of course I knew not to throw any more coins in his cup again but I still kept as quiet as possible to prohibit my mouth from producing idiotic words that would get Man or Cat mad.

I asked him if he would like to come with me to the Starbucks around the corner. Immediately after saying that, my insecure self thought about all the reasons why he would yell at me and say “No, why the hell would I?” As I was going to begin to revise my words, I was stopped by Man’s acceptance.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Are you deaf or just plain stupid?”

“No, no, okay. I mean alright. Uh, how do you wanna do this?” Idiot move right there.

“What the heck do you mean how do I wanna do this? Did you think I’m a crippled bum? Or blind perhaps?”

“No sorry. It’s just what do you want to do about your Cat and your book?” I was obviously sounding less intelligent by the minute but I never had experience with setting up a coffee break with men who live in public parks.

“Cat’ll follow me. No one around here is gonna steal a book. Or were you worried that someone is gonna wanna steal these goddamn newspapers?”

“I guess not.”

“Excuse me?! Is my home not good enough for you?” With these words I froze. I had no idea how to respond. I felt the exact same way I did when I found out that my male coworker, who I set up with my buddy Dan, preferred women. Actually he was completely straight.

“I, uh. I’m sorry. I-“

“Woowee I’m just messing with ya kid. Let’s get on with this shall we?”

“Yes sir.” I didn’t what else to call Man being that we never really shook hands and introduced ourselves.

“Sir? Do I look like a professor at Yale University? Name’s Jeffrey.”

“Oh nice to meet you Jeffrey, my name is-“

“Jeffrey King Buckley Junior.”

“Pleasure to meet you Jeffrey King Buckley Junior.”

“You can call me Jeffrey.”

“Okay Jeffrey. My name is Smith.”

“Who the hell names their young one Smith? Folks these days don’t understand that life is hard enough without having a name like Smith.” We finally got to the Starbucks where we had to temporarily part ways with Cat.

“Ok Cat. I’ll be right back. Stay here,” Jeffrey said. “I want a double cap mocha latte, extra sugar.” We didn’t talk much as we ordered and waited. I glued my mouth shut so I could avoid another dumb remark. I got a muffin for Cat and a coffee for myself, along with more waiting. Thankfully Jeffrey was more social than I was and saved me from having to come up with something to say.

“So what do you do Smith?”

“I’m an executive specializing in statistical analysis and data reconfiguration.”

“Woowee. That’s a whole lotta words there.”

“Yeah it’s a whole lotta nothing too.”

“Well, if you don’t like it then quit, Smith.”

“Yeah let me just quit my job so I can be jobless and end up on the str-.”

“Street?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Oh Smith. You really do need a good whooping.”

“I know. I do. It’s just I have this thing where I say stupid things I don’t mean, and then I keep rambling and present myself like an utter-”

“Not because of what you said you idiot. Because of how little you believe in yourself. You keep a job you hate, for what? You’re too afraid of the world and you don’t have an ounce of confidence. You’re talking to a homeless man who lives on the corner of Mulberry Lane with a couple of bills in his shoe and I still have more poise than you. I believe I am fabulous. Problem is you don’t. You just let yourself get pushed around. You know what I do when mice try to steal my food. I take it away from them; I don’t just let them have it.” I was completely astounded. I had no words at all. After what seemed like years later, I finally managed to pull out a few words.

“I guess that’s just how life is.”

“Oh don’t you give me that boy. Don’t you blame it on life, you hear me? Life isn’t going to work for a job he can’t stand. Life’s got nothing to do with it. Good luck Smith. Maybe I’ll see you around. And if I do, I’ll know you didn’t listen to a word I said. Come on Cat, let’s go.” I handed him the muffin and he simply took it, muttered “thanks”, and left. I’ve never been so dumbfounded in my life, in a good way of course.
I went right back home that day. It was a Tuesday, by the way, so while I was sitting on my undersized couch in my apartment, I was supposed to be on my office chair. A million thoughts later, I called my boss and told him I quit. Jeffrey was right. Life never owed me a thing. I owed it to myself. So my backwards walking bulldog and I packed and decided to go on a little trip. We became Man and Dog. And even though I always remembered and thanked Jeffrey and Cat, I never saw them again. Off to Australia perhaps.