The wispy sides of her hair that had not been swept back into a messy braid fluttered like birds in an attempt to escape. Her eyes watered at the threatening look of the cliff edge, tempting her to jump but also warning her of the dangers. Of course she didn’t plan on jumping, but feeling the adrenaline of standing there with total control of her life’s outcome felt amazing.
The outcome of her decision wouldn’t matter to most people; Lily was one of those girls no one understood. Understated beauty, covered by dark makeup acting as an excuse for her lack of confidence. Her hair was a dirty blonde colour, and heavy with natural curls, the fascinating strands of pure black, muddy brown, coffee brown, nutty brown, murky blonde, sunny blonde, bleach blonde to almost white were all natural too. No one understood Lily’s dress sense, baggy shirts and workmen’s boots didn’t exactly scream high fashion! But they were all she really had, and she would never complain, at least not out loud.
Coming into school Lily was a magnet for childish giggles and fantasy rumours, hardly anyone would look her in the eye, she would often think to herself “I am hardly going to turn them into stone”. So Lily spent the majority of her day at school in complete silence, and when people did hear the honey comb of her sweet soft voice they would flinch away in horror. “It spoke” she would hear echo around the room. Teachers almost entirely ignored her presence, so in return she did the same. She would sit in classrooms daydreaming or doodling with her elegant hand. When teachers complained she would switch off entirely, hoping that in the future something better would come for her who knows when or what it would be.
Lunchtimes were a particular pain for Lily, she would enter the room and of course no one would notice, she had never heard anyone scream out “Lils, I saved you a seat!” Innocently she would pay for her lunch, then half of the time someone would push her and she would see her food splash into the floor and bounce onto her shoes, but again she didn’t complain she would leave it and move on. She’d find a corner of the canteen and sit, no one would go near her, so she would sing in her head, ‘You me at Six’ or ‘The goo goo dolls’
“I don’t want the world to see me, because I don’t think that they’d understand. When everything’s made to be broken I just want you to know who I am!”
Going home was no sanctuary either. She would walk in the door same as every night, her mother would scream from upstairs and announce she was going out and Lily was to watch the baby. After a few loud footsteps Lily would watch her mother dressed in something that would make her ashamed to be her child run out of the door and climb into the car of her ‘new man’, so she liked to call them. Her real father, as far as she was concerned he didn’t exist, either didn’t want to deal with the burden of Lily or was just as ashamed of Lily’s mother as Lily was. Staring down at the cot, if you could call it that, Lily would lay eyes on her baby sister Jenny. Jenny was beautiful, she lit up a room. “Something better will come for you” Lily would mutter every night “Just like it will come for me”. Unsure of when her mother would return Lily would make a poor attempt of feeding herself and her sister with little ingredients to supplement a real meal.
When it came to nightfall, and Jenny would be crying at the top of her lungs, Lily would sit on a chair and let the tears run free. Tears built up from her loss of self-confidence, torment from other teenagers, her invisibility from her teachers, unbearable lunchtimes and pathetic home life. “No teenager has the right to feel this way!” she would exclaim.
Then after she could cry no more, she would adjust her pillow and lay a blanket over the sofa. This was Lily’s bed. Holding Jenny in her arms she would crawl under the blanket and close her eyes. Block out the screams, block out the fear, block out the anger and block out the unknown. She was hungry, eating maybe one sufficient meal a month when her mother would pick up an extra shift at work. She knew Jenny was hungry, and she knew Jenny was neglected. She had heard about it in science lessons or PSHE about babies that get treated in the way Jenny faced, she feared all possible outcomes.
One night, everything had repeated as it did each night. Lily lay home alone in her ‘bed’ clutching onto Jenny, she was a few moments away from sleep. Impossible to move even an inch as exhaustion began to defeat her. She was so tired even Jenny’s screaming was beginning to fade. Then she felt Jenny go stiff in her arms.
Immediately breaking out of her groggy mist of promised sleep she turned on the dim light beside her ‘bed’. The silence was deafening! She screamed, knowing no one was around to hear her. Clutching her sister in her arms she shook her, as if it would make a difference, she screamed into the baby’s ear. She pinched her, and tried all possible remedies that may make her regain consciousness, regain life. After she realised it was a hopeless game she ran for the phone, and of course her mother hadn’t paid the phone bill. Screaming at the top of her lungs she stared down at her baby sister, her beauty still suffocated her even though she was aware that her final breaths had been taken and her final heartbeats used. In the back of her mind she sensed a feeling of calm, “After all she did deserve better than this life” she sighed.
That was when she snuck out to her favourite spot, knowing her absence would go un-noticed. She came here when she needed to get away from the people she resented most. But it’s impossible to get away from yourself. A cliff, she started up at the unthinkable height and asked the nearest car making their journey up it if they would let her ride with them to the top. “Nice people” her inner monologue stated, as she rode up in their family car to the top of the cliff. That family were what she always dreamed of, a dad who made bad jokes and laughed loudly, a mum who was over protective and always had snacks, a brother who played hockey and loved Gameboys and a sister who sat in her room all day listening to music and claiming to do homework. As she thanked them and got out of the car the mother shouted at her from the rolled down window:
“Dear, where are you going?”
“Oh, no where important, I just needed a break” Lily answered almost entirely honestly
“Well, take a cookie with you darling” she handed her a cookie. Lily beamed and ate it all at once, she felt the relief of not having to save half of it for Jenny anymore.
She had reached her destination.
The wispy sides of her hair that had not been swept back into a messy braid fluttered like birds in an attempt to escape. Her eyes watered at the threatening look of the cliff edge, tempting her to jump but also warning her of the dangers. Of course she didn’t plan on jumping, but feeling the adrenaline of standing there with total control of her life’s outcome felt amazing.
As she contemplated her decision she began to sing at the top of her lungs:
“I don’t want the world to see me, because I don’t think that they’d understand. When everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am!”
Stepping closer to the cliff edge she began to sing louder, the tips of her workmen boots were floating in the heavy air underneath her.
“When everything feels like the movies, yeah, you bleed just to know you’re alive!”
A little closer to the edge she increased the volume even more
“I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW WHO I AM!”
That was when a man who was hiking heard her and came out from a behind a tree to ask her what she was doing. That was when he made her jump. That was when Lily fell.
After her death no one remembered Lily at all, she had made an impact in no one’s life. Her body was found and identified by her mother whose nerves were so deadened from drugs and alcohol didn’t even care. None of the girls or boys at school even remembered her name. She left this world like she was never even in it. But “After all she did deserve better than this life”.