For the past year, I have lived my life as a bear. I have spent my time growling and hunting down my prey, until finally, I have secluded myself into a den for hibernation. Alone in my den is the only place where I can think; reflecting on the events that so drastically changed my life, and on the only person who has ever taken my life out from under me.


It’s funny how people say that being alone allows you to hear yourself think; they only thing that I am able to hear is her voice. Over and over again I replay the words that changed my entire life, words I never thought I would hear her say. I wish I could have seen where it all started going wrong, but I suppose that in the end it would have made no difference. The distance between us was growing slowly yet steadily, despite the fact that I did not feel it at all. The friendship that had gotten me through five years came to an abrupt halt, and now all my other friends have left too. Going from a place of certain love and security to a place where I feel unwelcome and alone has not been an easy transition, and my response, though angry at first, has eased into my separation from the life I had once known. On the inside, I know I am the same person that I once was, the only difference being that nobody knows me anymore.


Nobody genuinely realizes the similarities between the ending of a long and stable friendship and the ending of a long and stable marriage. In both situations, possessions are returned, and custody of the people you both loved is determined. In my case, she was given full custody, while I was left on my own, my only option being to discover a new life. At first, the others were sympathetic to both parties, but as time went on, their once abundant love trickled to a finish. I am officially on my own.


For now, I remain the bear in it’s winter den, seeing nobody, and keeping in contact with only myself. I plan on emerging from my hibernation with a fresh outlook on people and on my life, but there is no telling of when that day may come. I know who I am, and I plan on letting others know me again sometime in the future, but only once these painful wounds have faded into scars on my skin. They will always be there, with the painful memories that accompany them, but no longer will they have a place on my surface, where they may be punctured and reopened.


She knocked the air out of me, and my life has not been the same since. With shaky breaths I have deleted every part of her from my life, and eventually I hope she will be deleted from my memory as well. For now, I have learned how to manage my time in hibernation, and I live in safety. She may have stripped me of the life I have always known, but I know who I am, and the life I want to live is still within reach.