Chapter 7: In Daisy’s Voice

The most exciting thing a person can experience in their lives is an affair. The forbidden passion, unquenchable lust and desire and the overwhelming urgency to be together is almost too much for a girl like me to stand. Oh but it so thrilling, and the fact that Tom is absolutely clueless makes it just that much more fun. Serves him right though. What did he expect, after going on the way that he does? I feel as though I’m finally getting to live the life I’d always imagined. It seems silly but when I was a little girl, I used to imagine that one day a handsome prince would come and take me away from everything. I dreamed he would show me exactly what it felt like to break rules, to have fun, and to live my life the way I’d always felt it should be lived. Now it’s almost as if my girlhood fantasy is coming true. Jay is so rich and he has the most beautiful house, filled with all sorts of exciting and wonderful things. And he pays attention to me and treats me like a princess. Tom could learn a thing or two from Jay.
I go over to Jay’s most afternoons, and if Tom bothers to ask where I’m going (he doesn’t) then my plan is to just say that I’m off visiting my dearest cousin, Nick. I know Nick will cover for me if Tom ever checks up on my story (he won’t) because Nick is basically the reason Jay and I have rediscovered each other. Today I had Jay call Nick and invite him over to my house tomorrow. I told him to mention Jordan would be there so that I’d know for sure he’d come. Personally I think they’re such a cute couple, and after all the jerks Jordan’s been through, Nick is good for her. After Jay got off the phone I decided that I should have just called Nick myself because who knows what Jay got wrong? So I immediately called Nick back and confirmed that he was coming. I hoped the urgency in my voice wasn’t that apparent but I’m pretty sure he picked up on it anyways. You see Jay and I are planning to tell Tom about our relationship and then Jay said we’d be able to figure out where we’d go from there. There’s just this one thing troubling me, and it’s the fact that Jay wants me to tell Tom that I never once loved him, and I only ever cared about Jay the whole time we were apart. This is where I find myself waking up from this fantasy world in which life is perfect and Jay and I are together forever. See in theory I love him, but what is love anyways? It’s just not practical. I have my daughter and if there is anything in the entire world that I come close to loving authentically it would be her. I couldn’t possibly run away with Jay and leave her to be raised by Tom! And I couldn’t take her with me either, it wouldn’t be fair to Tom, and while he doesn’t deserve much from me…he definitely doesn’t deserve that. Jay can’t understand any of this. He refuses to, and sometimes I feel as though he is still living in the past, when we were young and nothing mattered but us and our love. That life doesn’t exist anymore, and there’s no going back. Why can’t he realize that?

The day I’d invited them over, turned out to be the hottest day of the summer so far. Jordan and I were collapsed on the largest couch we had in our house and we could not move. I felt so heavy. I felt as though it was an unbearable struggle to reach up and wipe the sweat off that was currently pooling on my forehead. So I did nothing. I imagined that the heat was sucking all of the energy out of my body and using said newly stolen energy to just make everything all the more hotter. I could hear Tom’s raised voice coming from the hall, I didn’t even bother to listen. If he was talking to his mistress why should I even care, I was too much in love with my darling Jay. With the sudden burst of jealously and desire I felt, I couldn’t help myself from jumping on Jay and kissing him furiously. Just as I was really starting to enjoy it, the realization of the overwhelming heat from the sun and my current audience made me immediately collapse back on the couch. This was a good move on my part because immediately after I’d taken a seat my little daughter came in. She looked as precious as always and I couldn’t help myself. I cooed and coddled her and hugged her till she practically gasped for air. I love her so much. She looks exactly like me and not a bit like Tom. She left, Tom came back and we all ended up trooping outside. Later on I looked up at Jay and I couldn’t help but feel pleasure at the sight of him. He really was a good looking man. And he was ridiculously wealthy. That helped. He was the kind of man I deserved. “You look so cool.” I smiled at him. We stared at each other, and I whispered “You always look so cool.” So maybe subtlety isn’t my strongest point, but if Tom figured it out I realized I hardly cared. An eye for an eye and all that..
We all decided to go into the city, and Tom insisted that he drive Jay’s car (who knows why?) and Jay and I ended up driving Tom’s. Now being honest, I’m pretty sure my husband wasn’t all that thrilled about the driving arrangements but I wasn’t afraid, rather pleased at the thought of his jealousy. Jay and I had a fun old time driving into the city. I really do love that man! He is so utterly attentive and devoted to me, and I was so lacking it before that to me, he felt like a cool glass of water in the dry, drought of my previous life. We all ended up getting a suite at the Plaza, (I had suggested we each have a nice cold bath, but everyone else apparently decided to ruin my fun, and we ended up deciding just on cold drinks) On and on we all chatted pointlessly but I knew what it was all leading up to. I tried distracting Tom with an offer of a mint julep but he wasn’t interested. Instead he confronted Jay. Oh I do love excitement, but this wasn’t particularly fun. You see in theory I loved Jay but he kept going on about how I’d never loved Tom, and well the look of hurt on Tom’s face made me realize how untrue it was. I loved them both. I think..
We all left and Jay and I set off in his yellow car. I was still shaken about the angry exchange with Tom and I dreaded going home. Tom was so big and strong and I’ll admit freely that when he was angry, he scared me. Finally I told Jay that I’d have to drive because my nerves were absolutely shot and I needed something to relax them. After a couple of minutes at the wheel I started to feel better and I was just in the middle of planning out exactly what I was going to say to Tom, when fate jumped out in front of the yellow car, and pulled me off the path my life was previously heading down and dropped me flat on my butt onto an entirely different one.
Everything happened so quickly. Out of nowhere some hysterical woman dashed in front of the car, trying to wave us down to stop. But at the same moment another car was coming directly at us in the other lane. I tried to swerve out of the way of the woman but then the car was coming and I got scared so I swerved back. The thud, the crunch, and the sinking feeling in my gut, all immediately followed and I swear I left my body in that moment. I was floating overhead watching the scene from above. I honestly can’t describe it but I just felt as though all the events that had previously taken place were all occurring in some distant place far away, in another person’s life. They couldn’t possible concern me. I hit the accelerator and escaped from everything. In the time that followed from that moment I cannot really say for sure what happened. I remember switching places with Jay and then everything else pretty much disappeared in the shadows of my mind. The deep dark corners of regret, forbidden thoughts and fear. Everything I didn’t want to remember went there. Jay dropped me off at home and said something to me about waiting to make sure I was okay, and how he promised he would take the blame for this and save me, but I didn’t really hear him. I turned around and walked out of his life forever. And in that moment I felt myself regain some clarity. I knew what I had to do. I had to leave this place, Tom and I needed to go. I could no longer stand to be here among all the unwanted memories. I wanted to forget everything.