I stared at the cake, the sharp and clean cut frosting mocked me. Sprinkles decorate the top and sides, and in the middle it says in big bold letters, HAPPY 10TH BIRTHDAY MILO! I snort at how happy it sounds, he wouldn’t even be the one eating it. I grimace and turn my head to the window. The trees swayed to the melody of the wind, and leaves changed colors as they fell to the ground.

I see the spot in the fence that you broke, crooked and facing upwards, towards the sky, probably close to where you were now. Watching down on me from above. I’m not sure if you know it or not, but today is your birthday. Or would have been your birthday at least. Mom and dad are in the living room, putting up pictures of you when you were younger, reminiscing on the past.

but I dont know why. Why reminisce on the past? Why think back to when everything was like a living nightmare, and having to worry about you not waking up in the morning? Why not think about what you could have been doing. 10. Your first double numbers. I’m sure you would brag about it to your friends, and beg us to buy you some sort of lego kit for your birthday.

if you were 10, our house would be decked out with streamers and balloons to celebrate, and I’m sure we would have breakfast for dinner as well. If you were 10, You would wake us all up early so we could sing you happy birthday, and we would groan but reluctantly give in and gather around you. If you were 10, I’m sure you would smile the whole day, letting your proud crooked two front teeth show.

If you were 10, I wouldn’t be thinking this. If you were 10, I wouldn’t be here, over your cake, that you should be celebrating. If you were 10, we would be celebrating you, not commemorating the memories that we used to have. But I remember I’m missing one things about all this. If. The one word standing between me and you.

I stare back down at the cake and see the frosting that made me feel more nauseous than it did appetizing. I close my eyes and see you flicker somewhere in between them, and then slowly fade away once more. I blow hard and cold and watch the candles blow out in front of me, knowing well that my wish wouldn’t come true.