You went to bed that night knowing you had to make sure your parents didn't find out. You had to think of ways to hide it better this time. You didn't mean to and promised not to do it again, but you couldn't stop. You found comfort in the burning. You found comfort in the bumpy lines that would form on your body. You found comfort in it because you felt like you deserved it. You felt like cutting yourself would make things better and go away. It's like you were releasing all the pain and guilt out of these wounds. You felt these feelings pouring out of you, as it somehow made you feel better. This was your way out. 

You knew you couldn't talk to anyone since the last person you thought you could trust told your mom and you got in serious trouble. The talk that you had in the bedroom was the worst moment of your life. Your own mother threatened to send you off to a mental hospital if you didn’t stop. You never felt lower in your life. You felt like you didn’t deserve a place on this earth since you were such a burden to everyone. You never want to open up about your feelings ever again. You will keep this wall built up to protect yourself, and others. You can’t trust anyone in this world. 

…

As you head over to your grandparents, just down the road, you can't help but be overly excited. You have been waiting to be able to hold this baby. Today has finally arrived. February 25th, 2022. Hank was born 23 days ago exactly, and you've been itching to finally meet this little guy. You feel the car stop as your dad puts the car in park. A wave of even more joy washes over you. 

You open the door and start to walk into the house to be greeted with a hug from your grandma. Your grandpa says ¨Hey! How you doin´?¨ You respond with ¨Im doing good.¨ You continue your way through the kitchen and into the living room. You see Cotton holding her newborn baby. You immediately fall in love the moment you lay eyes on him. You somehow feel different though. It's like he warms your soul. His sweet little nose breathes in the oxygen for his tiny lounges, and you sink up your breaths with his. Your aunt offers him to you, as she softly brings Hank away from her chest. You sit next to her gladly taking him into your arms. Hank immediately melts into you. His arms wrapped up above his tummy, legs folding over your arm. You sit back on the couch as you admire him. He somehow makes you feel hope. He makes you feel safe and comfortable. It's like everything bad in your life fades away as this child lies in your arms. For a split second though, you feel guilt. You feel like you have to get better for this kid. You all of a sudden feel bad about harming yourself nights before. About all those attempts of trying to remove yourself from this planet. You shiver at the thought of never making it this far and never getting to meet him. It's like he knows somehow. A wave of emotions flows over you as you want to cry, but you don't entirely know why. For once in a long time, you want to live. You used to think about suicide every day, whenever something would go wrong you would think about it. Hank makes you want to have something to live for. You begin to regret those awful thoughts you've had in the past 2 years. You know you have to get yourself to be better and survive this for him. 

…

Hank is now 1 year old and you are at his birthday party at Cotton´s house. You're sitting on the couch watching him crawl around with other family members in the living room. I know I'm one of the only ones genuinely admiring him though, making sure he’s okay and safe. It's now February 2nd, 2023. This year has been crazy. There have been countless fights with your parents, counseling, crying, and resisting the urge to self-harm or attempt again. But you stayed strong for Hank. You're finally out of counseling after being in it for about 2 years. Your family doesn't talk about it, but your dad says he's proud of you. You threw away all your blades, and have tried your hardest not to think about suicide as often. The thoughts aren't going to go away in a day, but you can certainly fix your mindset enough in a year to not think about it constantly every day. Which is a big deal considering around this time of the year, 2 years ago, you attempted more than once in the span of one week. You’ve shown people, and yourself who you really are and who you can be. You are so proud that it just boosts your happiness. You made it. You got better for him, and now you get the reward of watching your world grow up right in front of your eyes. 

…

These years have been your years. In the middle of 2023 and into 2024 you finally found yourself. This kid has saved you. He altered your brain into not wanting to kill yourself. You finally have your happiness back you had when you were little and it's the thing you are most proud of. You rose above your parent's divorce, mental health, school issues, and more. You are also proud of your aunt because she made you who you are today. Cotton also struggles with depression and walks you through tricks on how to help yourself. She showed you how to make yourself better, and how Hank was your hope. He was your ambition angel. He came into this world and saved you from yourself. He also made you who you are today and you are so grateful for Hank and Cotton. You figure out that even in tough times there’s always something to look forward to and you just need to be patient with yourself. You also need to be very aware of your thoughts and feelings. You are allowed to feel sad, angry, depressed, and anything else. But you can’t dwell on these emotions otherwise you will be miserable all the time. You need to leave your room and enjoy life, love yourself, and be grateful for what you have. Always remember that you have a purpose, even when it doesn’t feel like it. Give it time. 

…

It is now February 9th, 2024. Hank's golden birthday was last Sunday. You went bowling with your huge family and your boyfriend. You had an absolute blast, even though you got distracted most of the time. You can never help but want to always be around Hank, who is always a bundle of joy. You also can't help but not be around him knowing you make him happy as well. Cotton always tells you he's so good for you and never throws a fit like he usually does when you're around. You feel absolutely honored. 

After lots and lots of positive affirmations, meditation, self-love tactics, and working through so much with people who are here to help you, you are finally happy and confident with life. You have an amazing aunt with whom you two help each other through things, a blessing of a 2-year-old cousin, a wonderful dad who is always there for you, a better relationship with your mom, incredible friends, and an astounding boyfriend who you are so lucky to have, and of course, the rest of your family that has and is always there for you. You are beyond grateful for where you have brought yourself in life, even when times are tough. You've made it, and it's all because of the sweet soul of your little cousin, Hank. He is what you call your ambition angel, who saved you. 

(Remember that you are loved and that there’s always hope. If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, you should reach out to someone. There is no need to go through tough times alone. You have a place on this Earth, you just need to be patient and have empathy for yourself.)