It happened again. The wretched feeling.. The feelings of drag, tearing, and darkness surrounding. I can’t see anything. I see everything in third person.. Like im a different person. I still feel all the emotions coming in and out of me.. But it’s now what I myself was feeling.. It’s uncontrollable, Impulsive, and sudden.. But there are more here.. I’m not alone.. I can speak to those who look like me when I’m here.. Who almost act exactly like me.. 

    But like a rush of adrenaline.. I’m back how I was again. Normal and In control.. But others look at me confused, and I don’t really know why..This has gone on for a couple years now, slowly becoming less controllable and more impulsive, some things trigger me, like when im smarted off to, I get mad and I’m gone again. When I lose someone, I’m gone again, when I don’t get something, I’m gone. 

    I immediately called my mom to tell her that it  happened again, I continuously tell her and beg her to take me to the doctor, but she keeps saying things like “honey it’s normal, you’re over exaggerating.” or  “no ones in your head.” . I don’t get it, if no ones in my head, why do I see them when I am, why do I talk to them when I’m in my own head. I mean, maybe I am normal, maybe she’s right.. But she hasn’t experienced me doing this infront of her, so maybe she doesn’t understand. Who knows, I should just go on like nothing happened..

    I go on with my day as usual, 4th period math, 5th period art, 6th period.. Yea you get it.

Once I stepped in my front door I dropped my things like they were five thousand pounds and basically ran to the kitchen, opened the fridge and grabbed my leftover pasta, as I quickly shut the refrigerator door, my hair got caught in the door and caused me to rear back and drop all my food. My heart raced, adrenaline rushed through me, red washed over my eyes, it’s happening again.

Brianna’s Mom

    Finally, I pulled into my driveway after a long day of work and customers screaming at me over the phone about whatever they were mad about. I do one last final scroll on my phone, take the keys out of the ignition, and head inside.

    As I walk in the door I see Brianna standing thee, shoulders sulked, eyes low, somewhat twitching and switching from confused to angry in the face. “Brianna are you okay?” I question worriedly, “Mom hel- yes I am!” Brianna screamed angrily as she lunged at the fridge, ripping it open only to throw everything she can onto the floor. I ran over to her confused and angry on why she’s doing this, “Brianna! Brianna! What the hell are you doing?!” I yelled angrily trying to hold her arms, but she had overpowered me, I then hugged her tightly and brought her to the floor, hoping and hoping it’d stop. She kept yelling and flailing to let her the “F” go, she’d never done anything like this.. Ever.. Finally, she’d seem to have settled down.. I feel a relaxation in her shoulders and abdomen, and she slowly sank to the floor in tears, “Mom im so sorry, I’m so so sorry” she blubbered out mid cry, “That wasn’t me i swear, I-I cant control Ana, she’s too-” I cut her off, “Ana? Who’s Ana?” She replied, “Ana is in my head, same with Sarah, Cora, and Harper.” I looked at her confused, “Who are.. Sarah, Cora, and Harper?” She looks down, “Sarah helps me when I’m sad.. Cora helps me with my algebra homework too, Harper hypes me up when I’m in a good mood..” . After hearing all that, I just got her some water, cleaned up the mess and sent her to bed.

    I lay in bed still taking in the fact my daughter could be very very sick mentally, how do I help her? Am I able to help her? All these questions circle my head continuously as I drift off to a less peaceful sleep.

Brianna

    I wake up, drowsier than usual, but that’s not uncommon under the circumstances I had last night, maybe my mom finally realizes, maybe she understands. The worst part of that experience was seeing her, scared, confused, and just trying to help me, as I just hurt her, I couldn’t help it, but i still did, or Ana did.. That scares me a lot sometimes.. What if one day I become so impulsive, that I hurt someone who doesn’t understand, someone who doesn’t deserve it, what if I traumatize them.. Okay okay Brianna stop freaking out, you’re normal.. Everything’s okay.

    I put my sweatshirt and leggings on as I hear them talking, “Well Ana, you shouldn’t of done all that!” Harper yelled, “It’s not my fault her mom wanted to try and kill me!” Ana fired back, I just tuned them out and went on to make my breakfast. “How’d you sleep?” My mom asks politely, I nod my head and put up an Okay sign with my hand, I make some cereal, eat and then head to school tiredly.

    I go through the day with a blur like usual, I get home drop my stuff, make my food then take a nap. I wake up and immediately feel uncomfortable, my heart’s racing and I feel light-headed, I feel as if I’m going in and out, but not in my head this time, I feel like I’m about to pass out. I start to stand up and immediately I feel heavier, and butterflies go through my stomach as i black out.. I can hear Harper screaming “What happened!?” and Ana grumbling for Harper to shut up, but then I hear nothing, nothing at all. It’s the first time it’s been like that in a long time.. I’ve almost always heard something, someone, but now I hear complete silence, and it’s scary, almost as if I’m in a horror movie and I can’t escape.. I’m trapped and i can’t breathe.. Something different is happening and I don’t know what..

    Later…

Bright lights over head, cold air hitting every part of my body, my head’s spinning around and around, a lady puts a hand over my eyes as if telling me to shut them, so I do. I opened them again, this time everything’s more still and I’m less lost, I look to my right where I feel pressure on my hand and see my mom there, head in her knees, praying, and I glance to my right to see someone who isn’t familiar, someone I don’t know, holding my hand praying quietly to their self..

    “Mom? Where are we?” I ask in a raspy voice, she looks up concerned, bags under her eyes, her straight brown hair tied back into a low ponytail, “I came home last night to find you on the floor, and you wouldn’t wake up. Now they’re doing evaluations on your mind to see whats wrong, one brought up a multiple personality disorder, and that may be the cause for all that’s been happening for the past couple years.” she explained sadly, I nodded my head as a rush of exhaustion washed over me and my eye-lids heavily closed.

    I wake up hours later to a doctor explaining to my mom on the different medications I’d have to begin taking to control my impulsivity and rapid change of personalities. I see my mom nodding her head and agreeing desperately with the doctor. He then Informs her that him and the other doctors want to track my brain activity and make sure the medicine is working. I wearily glance around one more time then doze off again.

    My eyes open slowly greeted by bright lights almost blinding me as I feel another rush, but a different one this time, more intense, ripping and ripping through my skin, I glance down to see what’s being hurt or torn and see nothing.. But I feel it, I feel everything.. My eyes shut as I endure the pain more and more. Finally, it subsides and I’m able to glance around again.. I see Harper, Cora, Sarah, and Ana standing over me.. “What’ve you done?!” Ana screamed as she neared my face, Harper then gripped my face and smiled, “You’re doing your best!” Sarah collapsed onto my shins and began blubbering loudly, “W- we have n-no home Brianna, how c-could you?” as all this is happening i feel tensity and pressure onto my chest, “Where’s my mom?” I thought in panic, I began hyperventilating  and rapidly looking around, my whole body is becoming heavier and heavier, I begin hearing my own heartbeat in my ears and it speeding up, faster and faster as Harper, Sarah, Ana, and Cora begin to near my face and scream my name “Brianna! What’s wrong?!” They yelled almost mockingly, “What’re you doing?!” they went on and on as I began feeling light headed and drowsier. Everything went black.

    I was shaken awake by my mom panicking, “Brianna are you okay? What’s wrong? Breathe.” I look at my mom confused and sweaty, and flashes of her face came back, the face she had when I had my episode with Ana, I heard my heartbeat quicken in my ears again, I feel heavy again, what's happening? Am I dying? Is this the End? Did I ever even wake up from the floor? Black, It’s all I saw now.

    A couple weeks later..

    The doctors finally called back, they said that the medication I had been put on was what had been causing my night terrors, they informed my mom that it’d still be effective for my disorder if I take it once a day instead of three times a day like I had been. I hate seeing my old friends every night like I have been, they always scream at me angrily like I’d done something wrong, maybe I have, maybe it’s wrong to them, all they’ve done is be there for me. But I’ve been feeling better without them, I’m more in control you know? 

Recently I’ve been less impulsive, and my mom and I have really gotten along. I’ve felt better and more in control now, my grades have gone up and ive made more friends, I do have regular therapy appointments though, just to make sure I’m good still and that the medicine is working.