The empty bottle in the kitchen indicated it was a safe bet that my mom wasn't going to be on high alert that night. To the fourteen-year-old me there was something about the first night of summer that made me feel obligated to make it exciting. I layed in bed waiting for the bedroom light across the hall to turn off. I waited a safe amount of time to ensure my mom was sound asleep. Butterflies started to form in my stomach as I stuffed my blankets with pillows into a (almost) believable human shape. The intensity of my heart rate rose as I crawled out of my room, attempting to move like a feather and trying to avoid the squeaky laminate floors. 

As I stepped outside, I shut the back door and it made a small “skreech” sound. The feeling of adrenaline and excitement sparked within me and flowed throughout my body. It was so overstimulating that it made me feel light and free.   

The sky was dark and the air was warm. I walked into the back porch, onto the grass, and crossed the fence that was almost as tall as me, but not quite. I started walking to my destination. In the small town of Creswell everything was within my reach.

 My steps became quicker and at this point my stomach was tangled into a tight knot. I didn't know the difference between intuition and the rush of adrenaline. The sky covered the town like a heated blanket. I walked through the streets with a warm breeze skimming my cheeks. I stretched my legs through the dark, peaceful road, reaching closer and closer. It wasn't long before I walked upon the middle school. The fourteen-year-old me didn't know what she was getting herself into. She didn't realize how fragile she was.

The lights made a constant subtle noise that somehow came with a comforting feeling. This place felt like home. It wasn't because I spent six hours a day there. It’s because that place was there for everyone.

 I walked in between the fence, on top of the crunchie rocks, and into the dark field.  

 I saw nothing but darkness, yet I had a feeling he was there somewhere. Back then I didn't realize I carried around something so special. I walked forward in an awkward manner. I heard my name pop out in the distance. The new mysterious voice alarmed my brain. Back then new people seemed to scare me. 

The stars were out that night and the air was light. I kneeled down on the turf near him as he started jabbering to avoid silence. I participated in the small talk when he abruptly kissed me with more force than I was expecting. That's when things took a turn. A whirlpool of emotions started to form around us. I tried rolling with the punches. But the energy flipped like a light switch. It was hard to stay collected. It was so heavy I was nearly drowning in it. His energy sinked into my skin. He continued to go further and further. Things got to a point where it alarmingly caught my attention. A small voice projected my request but he didn't accept it. He had a plan and I had no say in it. 

That was the moment I thought, I didn't know what I was getting myself into. His sneaky force collapsed my conscious. Before I noticed he scraped honey out from my jar, leaving me unsettled. Long, painful, and internally agonizing it was. My essence became smaller and smaller as I shrank out of my body. The stars held me up that night and the turf field soaked me with comfort. From that point on, time was cloudy and covered in dust. I layed in pain and confusion for far too long. 

Is this what it was supposed to feel like? Is this what I asked for? These questions floated in my head. I walked home that night with holes in my spirit and scars in between my legs. He used the field like it was his bedroom, one came after another, feeling whole and leaving empty.