I drag into the cluttered kitchen after waking from a deep sleep Large plates filled with towers of bright yellow eggs, perfectly rounded pancakes, and crispy dark brown bacon sat on the small white dining table in the middle of the kitchen. Stacked pans filled the dirty kitchen sink like a cairn, While dirty rags covered the marble countertops lining the edge of the kitchen, daylight flooded in through the ceiling, casting faint lines along the floor. Scents of bacon drifted throughout the kitchen as birds chirped faintly outside of the window. 

“Hi honey! Feel free to eat whatever you want. Me and your father are about to go to work so we may not be able to eat with you.” my mom notified me as she fixed my father’s burnt orange University of Texas tie. Sighing in frustration, she pulled the tie off of his neck and put it around hers, swiftly tying it around her own neck before transferring it back to my father’s.  

“I think I’ll be fine, thanks,” I replied,drowsily pulling out a steel barstool   from under the table.

“How did you sleep?” she replied, carefully pulling a small glass cup out of the white cabinets highlighting the dark grey walls. 

“I slept pretty well, I guess. I’m almost finished working on my UT - Austin essays.” I proclaimed, knowing a lecture would be included in her reply. I quickly sat down in the chair and grabbed a bare plate from the stack next to me.

“Ask Jake to ask Abby for help with them. She is the top of her class so she would definitely be able to help you!” my dad interjected, squatting down to wipe at the scuff on his shiny black loafers. I drew the small metal spoon out of the white mug near my seat and scooped some of the glistening scrambled eggs onto my plate. Abby was out of Jake’s league, but if she ever turned out to be lesbian I may have a shot. 

“Dad, for the last time, I don’t have to ask Jake’s girlfriend to help me with my essay. She’s only dating him because he’s supposedly the best football player at UT!” My parents could be very oblivious to the most obvious things sometimes. I knew it was too early in the morning to be arguing. My mom swiftly moseyed over to me and delicately sat a glass of water down.

“He was just offering, Jenn! Please calm down. Maybe you’ll be lucky and date the top of your class when you get in.” At the remark she made, I suddenly slammed my fork down in annoyance. Did she not believe I could accomplish things on my own? Along with that, why did she have to emphasize the fact that Jake was the favorite child so early in the day?

“Mom do you really think it’s that important that I marry a smart man? Do you not believe I can accomplish my goals independently?” I looked up at her, slowly awaiting a response. I started to become more flustered at the inappropriate remark she made. Why would I need a man? Why would I need anyone?

“I’m not saying that it’s important you do, I’m just saying it would be good if you did,” she replied, gathering various objects into her bag. My dad quietly sat on his phone, clearly oblivious to all that was happening. I shook my head and scoffed in disbelief.

“Mom, please, for the love  of God, it is 2018. The entire world has learned this new thing called feminism, and I think you should try it,” I said sarcastically, hoping the fight would soon be over with so I could eat in peace.

“You really don’t think I know what feminism is? I’m not an idiot, Jenna. You and your smart boyfriend could marry each other, and as you began to have kids together you could become a stay at home mom!” She replied enraged, not giving me the answer I was anticipating.

“What if I dated a smart woman? What if I didn't go to U-T at all? What if I don’t even want to have children?” I told her as I watched her suddenly stop putting lipstick into her bag. 

Looking up at me in disbelief she replied, “What do you mean, Jenn?” 

“I mean that maybe I don’t want to marry a smart man! Maybe I don’t want to marry a man at all!” I furiously pushed myself off of the table, discarding the fallen chair behind me. Realizing what I said, anxiety quickly took over my body. I wasn’t ready to come out— not now. I continued to act challenging, not wanting to show signs of weakness. I looked around, anxiously waiting for them to respond.

“Please calm down girls. Now is not the time to argue.” My father said in the background. He carefully positioned himself next to the counter, keeping a safe distance from me and my mom. A look of concern was swept across his face.

“I’m not going to calm down, Dad! For one, you don’t even know what is happening, and mom always does this! I’m a senior in high school and my main concern shouldn’t be a boy!” I yelled. Tears formed at the outer corners of my eyes as the hectic scene unfolded. I slowly tread backwards toward the wall. My head pounded. My arms felt crushed. My body hurt.

“Well then what is your main concern? Girls? Oh! How about getting into college?!” My mom screamed back at me while slowly approaching where I was standing. Her eyebrows were furrowed in anger while she fumed at me, her face redder than a pepper.

“Maybe my main concern are girls, mom! Maybe I’ve been trying to tell you guys I was gay, but you would never accept it or even act like that’s what I was saying!” I yelled at them, frantically looking at both of them for some sign of emotion or reaction. I sobbed while the world around me stopped, pulling me into a whirlwind with it. My breathing hitched while a tight rubber band seemed to constrict my chest, not allowing me to breathe. A cold sweat ran down my forehead.

“Honey—that’s not what we meant. We are so sorry, baby.” She gradually edged towards me, my dad slowly following behind her. 

“We didn’t mean it, Jenna. You know this.” My dad said as he cautiously put his phone in his pocket. I leaned on the back wall sobbing uncontrollably, while my parents slowly edged towards me as if they were predators approaching their prey. Salty tears stained my lips as they rapidly rolled down my face, the only sound being my loud, rough sobs. 

Thoughts raced around my mind as I wondered what they would think of me. Would they treat me like an outsider? Would they even talk to me? It felt like the walls surrounding me were rapidly closing in, forcing me to deal with my guilt alone. Sirens erupted around me, drowning out the noises my parents were attempting to make. I want to leave.

“Jenna, honey, please listen to us. We understand,” my dad suddenly told me as his hand caressed my shoulder.

“What?” I mumbled, shuddering. I didn’t want it to be like this. I didn’t want it to go like this. He looked like an outsider, picking out his ‘caring’ face and performing default actions he read about in a handbook. No one looked real. Nothing looked real. My mind was tangled as tears rapidly escaped like water in a dam.

“It’s okay. We understand. Please calm down.” My mom suddenly added, her hand slowly rubbing my arm. She peered out from my dad’s left shoulder, talking as if she genuinely cared about my well being. Was she acting? Was my dad acting?

“I, I thought you guys had to go to work?” I replied, my vision slowly starting to improve. I desperately wanted to get away and cower in the comfort of my room. Using their professions as an excuse for them to leave clearly seemed like a cowardly move, but I wanted it all to end suddenly.

“We do, honey, and we are so sorry that we have to leave at such a special moment. Please don’t ever forget that we love you,” my mom said to me before kissing my forehead reassuringly. The thought of them leaving after I spilled all of my feelings made me frustrated, but I quickly shook the feeling away since I wanted them to leave instead of stay.

My mom delicately grabbed her purse while my father grabbed my full plate and promptly dropped it into the sink. “Have a good day today, okay?” My mom said while side-eyeing me from her purse. She quickly sighed as she hoisted her purse on her shoulder, quickly jingling the keys as a sign of having to go.

“Goodbye honey, I love you!” My mom yelled at me as she walked through the front door, bringing streams of light with her as the sun shone on the dark hardwood floor. My dad walked behind her, turning around promptly and winking at me before shutting the door.

Immediately running back towards my safe haven, I felt a strong surge of relief. I dove into the comfort of my bed, collapsing on my pillows. I never thought the day I came out would be like this. Tears clouded my vision as I loudly screamed into my pillow, attempting to distinguish the frustration and fear bubbling inside of me. Why did they take so long to react? Were they hiding their emotions? A faint buzz startled me from my thoughts. I deliberately reached for my phone and saw a text message from my dad saying, “We love you.”