I knew the announcement was coming; I just didn’t know when. Three months, I’ve been anticipating this announcement. The morning finally came. When I walked into school at 7:20 am, my eyes followed the blue tiles all the way up the wall to meet the orange piece of poster paper that read,

“Winter Wonderland”

“Sadie Hawkins Dance 7pm @ Saginaw Junior High School, December 17th.”

“Be There or Be Square.”

Usually I would make fun of everyone who went to these, but this year, it’s different. This year would probably be one of my only chances to see if it’s too much to ask if Jacob would be my date to the annual Sadie Hawkins Dance.

Starting from the beginning, Jacob and I have been best friends since the third grade, and I’ve had the biggest crush on him all the way to this day--- eighth grade, December 1, 2013. We tell each other everything:  family issues, school drama, crushes. I help him with every girlfriend crisis, and he helps me with all of mine (even though the only real boyfriend I want is him.)  I always tell him about this boy in our grade, tall- around 5’8 depends what you consider tall---dark brown hair with a little flow to it, and brown eyes. He gets so sick of me telling him about this “mystery boy”, how he is friendly, athletic, funny, caring, and genuine. Everyday he gets his hopes up that I will finally tell him, wanting to know so eagerly, and I tell him that it is confidential information that can never be shared or it would ruin everything.

He pleads  “It can’t be that bad.” Little does he know, it’s him.

He isn’t the only one I tell about this little---well gigantic---crush. There’s only one other person that has known for all these years about this crush of mine and that’s my mom--- my absolute best friend; I tell her everything. She knew that a crush was developing on Jacob before I even knew I was starting to crush. When she brought that idea into the daylight, I denied it for years and years because it was so hard coming to the terms that I’m falling in love with my best friend. Even though I denied it on the outside, I knew it was true on the inside and so did mom. I know my mom didn’t fully 100% support crushing on my best friend, but she would always sit and listen to me ramble on everyday. It’s her job as a mom to help me as much as she can with these things but to also know when to let go and let me learn on my own.

When I came home that afternoon after seeing the Sadie’s announcement, I met my mom in the kitchen where I always do, and I inform her of this little Sadie’s dance. The very first thing she says is,“Do you have any ideas for a poster because I do”

I waited a couple days after I made the poster just so I could mentally prepare myself for what I was about to do. One morning I took the poster off of my dining room table and headed out the door.

10:35 am.  I’m standing here, poster in hand, goosebumps wrapping my entire body head to toe. He turns the corner, feet almost hitting the classroom tile, eyes slowly peeling off of his phone so close to seeing the sign that I made him.

“Can Jacob Harris please come down to the counseling office.” His eyes never met the poster. Instead, slowing returning to the phone, he turned his body 270 degrees, and headed to the counseling office.  My heart sank.

“If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again.” So I did.  I waited in his classroom the next day: same time, same poster.  And, he turned the corner, feet hitting the classroom tile, eyes peeling off the phone to reattach to the poster that I was holding in my hands, he changed emotions faster than I can blink: Surprised, shocked, nervous, happy, then excited.

“How long have you been waiting to ask me this?” he said.

“Since the day the school announced the dance.” I said.  We said no words after that but our expressions were identical--both smiling ear to ear.

“So I assume your answer is yes?”

“Totally.” After class he walked me to my fourth hour upstairs in room A708 even though his class was downstairs in room A537. The whole way we starting planning out what we were going to wear, our transportation, and our plans beforehand.

A couple days after I asked the big question, he asked me to be his girlfriend over text. At school the next day he met me at the side doors to walk me up the stairs to my first hour, as we were about a fourth of the way up he pulled a card from the side of his backpack and handed it to me. I opened the card and there was a Starbucks gift card inside.

“Awh, dude you didn’t have to do that, how sweet” I continued to walk up the stairs but when I looked behind he had stopped four stairs behind, looking up a me with a confused look on his face and a worried look in his eyes.

“You know you can’t continue to call me that anymore?”

“What?”

“---dude, You have to call me bae or babe or sweetheart.”

I started to laugh when he said that because that’s the sort of thing that we would normally kid about, but then I saw that he was serious. It didn’t really feel right to me, but I went with it because I assume he has had more experience than me, and he knew what he was doing. The rest of the way to my class we were silent.

I could manage saying “babe,” or sometimes “bae,” but I could not say sweetheart without thinking that I was going to start laughing, so I just didn’t.  As the days got closer to the dance, he began treating me differently. We didn’t hangout the same as we used to. We didn’t laugh and joke around like we used to.  Everything just seemed to be off. It’s like that gut feeling you have when you know something is going to happen, or when things don’t feel right.

On Saturday, the day of the dance, I tried to be ecstatic, but somehow, I just felt shaky, nauseous and frightened. I told myself I was just nervous because I wanted everything to go well, but I knew that wasn’t it.

Jacob’s mom drove us to the dance.  I’ve been in Jacob’s mom’s SUV dozens of times when she’s driven us places, and I’ve talked to her hundreds of times.  She has always been super nice and easy to talk to. Tonight, though, I just couldn’t think of anything to say. It was different being there as Jacob’s girlfriend and not his best friend, and that made me feel all weird inside.

We made it in the dance and for a while, it was ok.  We saw our friends, We laughed and danced and it seemed almost like old times.  Then a slow song came on. That was when we used to stand back and watch the awkward eighth graders trying to dance with each other.  I looked at Jacob and smiled, waiting for him to say something funny. Instead, he said,

“Wanna dance?”

And so we danced.  I have pictured what this moment would be like for years.  How awesome it would be to be Jacob’s girlfriend, dancing with him.  Now I was getting everything I wanted...but, it just didn’t feel the way I thought it would.

Later that night when I was home in my bed, I laid down on the soft, warm down comforter on my bed and tears rolled down my face and I wasn’t quite sure why.

Jacob and I didn’t talk or text for the rest of the weekend, which was strange because we used to talk several times a day about random stuff.  But now I was at a loss for words, and I guess so was he. On Monday night, when I was supposed to be doing my Language Arts homework, I made my decision.

On Wednesday after sixth hour, we sat on the benches near the auditorium.  Jacob was talking about basketball practice.

“Listen,” I said.  He stopped talking.  I was silent, not sure if I should say what I was about to say.

“What?”  He finally said

“I don’t think we should be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore.”

“What?”  He said again.

Suddenly I was talking way too fast.  

“I like you. You know I have always liked you, and I always wanted to be your girlfriend.  Like, I actually dreamed about it. But now I am, your girlfriend I mean, and it doesn’t feel like I thought it would feel.  We were such good friends -- best friends -- and I just want to go back to that, but I don’t know if we can go back there. Can we?”  I slowed down. He was looking at the ground. “Can we go back there, Jacob?”

He was quiet for a second. It felt like forever.  Then he looked at me with that stupid smirk of his.

“I don’t know---dude.”