Dear Diary,

The google definition of family is a group consisting of parents and children living together in a household. So I compare this to my life. I do not live with my mother, I visit my father every other weekend, and I do not live in the same house as my siblings. So do I really have a family? You may be asking yourself why? Well, it’s simple really. My family is pretty dysfunctional. But it wasn’t always like this.

Once upon a time there lived a house with a mother, stepfather, and six beautiful healthy children. There were four boys and two girls. The children went to school, the mom stayed home, cooked and clean, and the dad went to work and brought home the money. They lived in peace and harmony for seven years. The mother and step father even got married after being together for the seven years. But as the saying goes, “All good things must come to an end,” little did the family know how true that was until it happened to them.

What was once happiness, love, and joy turned to anger, rage, and sorrow. There was constant arguing and fighting amongst the married couple. Soon they started to take it out on the children. There would be lashing out for no reason, name calling, and worst of all... no love. The stepfather couldn’t take it anymore. After all only two of the kids were his. Why would he continue to support the other four? After seven years, he felt that he no longer needed to take care of them. No longer his responsibility, including his own two kids, he walked out. Leaving the family in shambles. Broken and shattered, not knowing what to do, unable to be put back together.  That’s really where it all started.

The mother wasn’t the same after that. When the stepfather left, a piece of the mother left right along with it. The kids looked into their mother’s eyes and saw nothing but sadness, hurt, and defeat. The kids lost their mother that day. After that the fighting began amongst the oldest children and the mother. Words were said that couldn’t be taken back. Permanent wounds left on the hearts of those who fought in this never ending war of hate and pain.

Eventually the mother fled with the two youngest, the oldest daughter lived on her own, while the other three were left to fend for themselves. At first the three were united, could never be broken apart, and stuck together. But whenever the mother called for them they would all go running back, hoping things were normal again. Hoping their mother had changed and they would be one big happy family again. But all the mother ever wanted from them was help. She used them as stepping stones and then casted them away when she was done. The daughter of the three got tired. No longer wanting to take part in this. She tried to get her brothers to side with her and she thought they did. But she later found out that they had been talking and helping the mother behind her back. She had been betrayed by everyone she loved. By her family. She is now an outcast. She has a place to stay, but she will never belong there. No matter where she goes she will never feel at home. She watches other families get along and be one loving family and thinks back on when things used to be this way for her.

She is broken, her family is broken, and there’s no way to put them back together because things will never be the same again.

She is surrounded by those who support her, but it isn’t the same as getting it from your mother. She often wonders why this happened to her and her family, but she knows that the answer will never appear. Now all she can do is keep moving forward in life. Waiting and hoping for her mother’s old spirit to return. To be with her family again. To love and trust again. To never be let down again. After all her family has put her through, she still loves and wants to be apart of them, but it is too toxic so she must wait. Wait until everything is back to normal again.

She will wait and wait, continuing to wait for as long it takes...

It’s crazy isn’t it? Heartbreaking even. But this is my sad reality. My one wish is for my family to be a family again. I want to share my goals and triumphs with everyone. But right now this is impossible. So I sit here patiently, writing to you diary, in hoping to sort out what I am feeling. One day I hope to look back on this entry and feel relieved that everything ended up working out. But I will wait, for only time will tell.

Sincerely,

Tess