Christ’s Herald

Darwin’s controversial and biblically incorrect ideas, by Bishop Pius Pertinax of the Church of St. Sebastian in France

Aboard the HMS Beagle, returning home from the land of savages, comes Charles Darwin a bumbling buffoon with absurd ideas about the origins of man. I am compelled by curiosity alone to ask if his negligent mother ever dropped him on the head and thus this fatal accident has caused him to be completely illiterate and unable to read the Bible. I speak for God and all of his infinite wisdom to assure readers that his Word is the sole truth and light. 

I urge Darwin to open his eyes and accept the Lord and Jesus Christ as his savior as it is evident that he refuses to listen to reasoning. To discover the beauty and majesty that is life, he does not have to travel to faraway lands but to let his mind take a spiritual journey with our Lord. As God has dictated explicitly, the world, everything we see, feel, and marvel in was created by the hands of his Holiness.

With great agony, I have tormented myself with reading his wretched On the Origin of Species with the sole intention of specifying every single one of his mistakes. These “variations” he speaks of are simply imperfections in God’s plans that were caused by the flawed nature of man. The concept that a new species simply appears out of nowhere without the work of God is simply ludicrous. His concept of uniformitarianism which he uses to describe the biogeography of the animals he has studied confuses me as well. This idea suggests that land which we all stand and go about our daily lives in moves and is forever shifting. However, I assure readers that the world is still and has remained in the same form as God had created it.

Furthermore, as he informs us, his studies were performed in the Galapagos Islands near South America. Is it our responsibility to tell a grown man not to listen to the babblings of savages? For heaven’s sake, already, we send good men to risk their lives in the hopes of saving their souls and civilizing their animalistic life styles with religion. Yet, Darwin insists upon basing science, the noblest of pursuits, on their pagan and satanic rituals. As the Lord had proclaimed, humans were created on a separate day after animals, thus making us different from animals. Although science supports your concept of homologous structures, Darwin fails to see that humans use their forelimbs to create art, conduct experiments, compose music and build formidable cities, whereas chimps use their forelimbs to swing from trees idly passing their days.

History, from the Middle Ages to our Enlightened Monarchs, has been built on the foundation of religion as a unifier. Everything we see and experience has had religion as its root, from the beautiful Sistine Chapel to conquering the Americas. Religion makes humans civilized and has always been what separates us from savages.

Aside from my obligation to point out the error of your ways, I as a servant of God must ask if you seek psychological help as I simply cannot understand your proclivity to associate yourself with monkeys. Man has been blessed with the knowledge that God has created us in his image. While you see a disgusting, barbaric ape in the mirror, I see a reflection of God’s infinite glory and how we as civilized human beings must reflect as such. It is in our nature; not that of the gorillas, but ours.