“You’re an idiot.” Mark mumbled. Leonardo Dicaprio was pacing around the living room while grabbing his hair in frustration.

“This wasn’t fair! This wasn’t supposed to happen! She was supposed to-”

“She’s dead, Leo.” Mark cut him off. Leonardo stopped moving around and stood still in his spot. “It’s over,” Mark whispered. “She’s gone now, Leo. Accept that.”

Leonardo grew stiff and gazed at the ground with sorrow filled empty eyes. He couldn’t just let this go. He just couldn’t. If he let it go, it’ll be gone forever. He didn’t want to let it go. Let her go.

“I can’t.” He muttered. “You will. You need closure.” Mark replied, “No closure means you can’t move on.”

“What if I can’t move on?!” Leonardo cried. Mark looked up at the younger male. “I don’t even know the reason why she had killed herself in the first place, Mark! She just did it without a warning. I could’ve helped her.”

“And how would you do that Leo?” Mark’s words sliced through the air. “Comfort her? Talk to her? Hold her and rock her back and forth? Dammit Leonardo, you’re not a therapist!”

Leonardo looked down. “I could’ve done something instead of sitting back waiting for the next day to come like an idiot. But no, the next day came. Just not for her Mark.”

Mark didn’t say anything and let the male fall onto his knees looking dead at the ground. Loren D, the girl who had killed herself two months ago. No one knew her last name since she kept it a secret to hide from everyone else. The company she worked under was dead after hearing the news. Everyone was shocked. The first few weeks everything looked like a cemetery. The workers looked dead and lost. No one would utter a word. No tears. Just silence.

Leonardo had a tear in his eyes, but it didn’t slip out. He didn’t want to cry. He just couldn’t. He felt guilty for not crying after finding out his love had died. Aren’t you supposed to cry for someone you loved? He felt weak.

“I... I don’t know what to do anymore.” Leonardo mumbled. He looked up at his friend. “Do I look miserable?”

“You look like a zombie.” Mark stated. He got up towards the male and stared down at him. Leonardo looked up to face him. He looked him straight in the eye. “Do you believe in love?” Leonardo asked.

“I don’t.” Mark muttered, “Love is just a two people game where one messes everything up. Then again, love is like water. An illusion. Love can fool our eyes into believing something that’s not true. I don’t believe in such nonsense.”

Leonardo stared at Mark. Was that it then? The feeling for her was just an illusion? The thought of loving Loren scared him. He never knew what love felt like. He just thought if you love someone then that’s it. That’s game over. A happy ending. The feeling he had felt for so long had been just his mind and eyes playing him. His mind could only think of her. His eyes could only see her. Was that love? Or was that just an illusion of love?

“You’re a hopeless idiot in love.” Mark said while staring at the confused male. A small bitter smile played on Leonardo’s lips. “It seems that way doesn’t it?” He licked his dry lips. “I’m going to find out why she did what she did,” he said. “and then I’ll move on.”

Leonardo walked around the city with a hoodie pulled over his head while droplets of rain hit the ground. He saw an old empty park. The swings and slides were covered in water. An old tree was in the middle of the park. He walked over to the tree and saw the carvings.

L+L

Leonardo smiled. He remembered carving the letters in one year ago. He discovered this empty park a few years ago and would always come here to sit under the tree. One day, he saw a girl sitting under the tree with a sketch book on her lap and a pencil in her hand. She was drawing a beautiful scenery. Leonardo didn’t want to disturb her so he watched from afar. He would never forget about her habits of biting her pencil when she was thinking or the fact that she pouts whenever he drawings don’t come out correctly. He remembered the day she came for the past few months and he had decided to finally revealed himself.

“That’s a nice drawing.” Twenty-year old Leonardo said as he walked over to her nervously. She was surprised that she was not alone in the park. She smiled politely. “Thank you.”
He wanted to say something. He started to hesitate but finally threw out a hand. “I-I-I’m Leo!” he stuttered. The girl looked at his hand and looked up into his eyes. His light, blue orbs absorbed her. She thought he had pretty eyes. She snapped out of her daze and shook his hand while smiling up at him.

“Loren.”

That day, he knew he had fallen for her. He would never forget it. They would talk, laugh, and play. Each moment was like a special memory. The wind started blowing and Leonardo sat down with his back against the bark. A paper fell out of the tree from the hole inside. It landed on his lap. He looked down and picked up the paper. He looked at it and turned it around only to see words were hand written on it.

Hey Leo, it’s me Loren.

Leonardo froze. The words his eyes read could not be unseen from his mind.

Are you surprised you found this letter? Or are you surprised that it was from me? I’m pretty sure both. I... I wrote this letter before I did what I did. I know it must’ve been hard on you and everyone else.

*It was mostly me. I’m the one you affected the most, Loren... me.*

But, life isn’t fair. You know that moment where everything doesn’t go your way? All the stress you receive from school, work, parents, friends, and well, people? I could’ve done a lot of things besides this Leo. I could’ve run away or ignored everyone but I decided to take the easy, permanent way.

*How was ending your life the easy way? I could’ve helped you Loren.”

But he didn’t know how.

You were gone for 4 years. You missed a lot, Leo. Things that you didn’t know. Things that I pretended to be okay with. When you came back, I pretended to be a new person. I didn’t want you to see me as the Loren you knew when you came back. I was a mess. I was weak.

Leonardo remembered the first day he came back to Seattle. He saw Loren always walking alone with no one with her. How her hair was disheveled, her clothes was wrinkled and out of place, her face looked so dead, and her eyes. He couldn’t forget the look in her eyes when he accidentally bumped into her. It scared him. Her eyes were empty. It was like a non-living person was walking around.

“What happened to you Loren?” he whispered.

I pretended to not know who you were when you introduced yourself to me, again. “Loren!” You called out my name. I was scared. My heart was beating out of fear and anxiety. I didn’t want you to see me. Not now. Not ever.
“Loren! It’s me! Leo!” You smiled at me. I turned my head away from you. you kept trying to talk to me. I wanted you to stop. “I don’t know you.” I muttered. I turned away from you. I left you confused and lost. I’m going to tell you everything now, Leo.

Every. Single. Thing.

Leonardo held his breath. The raindrops touched his face and wetting the paper. He curled his fingers into a fist. His eyes started reading again.

I was walking home from school one day. My parents called me to meet them right away. I did. I opened up the door and saw my parents. They had a hard expression. A lady was next to them. She was smiling at me. “You’re Loren? Correct?” she asked. I nodded. My parents looked like murderers at that moment. She stood up and took my hands. “I’m here to take you somewhere.” she whispered. I was confused. My mom yanked her hands away. “She’s not going anywhere.” My mom hissed. My dad grasped my arm and threw me on the couch. “She’s our daughter! You have no rights to just take her.” The lady pursed her lips. “She doesn’t belong here.”

I wanted to say something. Really, I did. But my dad gave me a glare and I gulped. I wasn’t usually scared of my parents, but the way they had that murderous look in their eyes frightened me. “Loren,” The lady looked at me softly. I looked up and saw her. She looked so…sad. I wanted to asked so many questions right then, until she spoke up.

Leonardo taste the iron from biting his lips. The cold isn’t making it any better.

“I’m your mother.”

His eyes widened.

I looked at her with wide eyes. I felt like time had just stopped. I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t believe her. “She’s lying.” My mom said. She glared at the women who claimed to be my mother. “She’s just someone to take you away.” The woman made her lips into a firm line.

“I would know my own daughter. She looks like my son.” I was shocked. My dad slapped her. She didn’t do anything but gave me another sad smile. “I’m sorry I couldn’t find you sooner.” she whispered to me. She told me everything.

When I was little, two people abducted me. I don’t remember anything because the event was traumatic. I had memory loss. I had an older brother. I had a loving family. I was so scared. The memory loss, they took advantage. They had me living with them. That’s when I figured out my parents were the abductors. I didn’t feel any love or warmth from them. I thought a lot of kids had parents who were like that. I knew it felt weird, but I didn’t care. I had a family. That was all that mattered right?

Leonardo was shocked. The event felt so similar to his situation when he was younger. He had a little sister. She was taken away in a van.

A fight came. I tried to get everything through my head. The police came. They took the two people away and I started crying. My “Mother” embraced me into her arms and that’s when I felt the warmth. She was my mother. She took me home and I met my birth father. He did the same. “We’re so sorry, Loren.” he mumbled through the tears. I was happy. I thought my whole world turned upside down. The next thing I asked, I regretted.

“Is... my brother still here?” They gave me a warm smile. “He’s in New York.” My mother replied. I looked around the house. I saw old photos of me as a baby and as a kid. I went into my old room and saw an old photo near the bed. It was a picture.

Me, My parents, and You.

The rain poured down harder than it should had. The letter was loosely held against his fingers. Leonardo stopped breathing. No, he couldn’t breathe at all. He was shocked. The raindrops wetted the paper even more, making it hard to read. He shook his head.

“Who is this?” I asked my mom. I regretted asking that question. “That’s your older brother, Leonardo.” she replied,” Do you remember? You used to call him Leo.” I remembered a little too well.

I dropped the photo and stared at mom with horrified eyes. I didn’t want to believe it. I was hoping this was all a dream and just wake up as a single child. But life was bitter.
You loved me. But not like that. Your love was not platonic. That was what scared me. I avoided you. I begged our parents to buy an apartment for me so I wouldn’t see you. I felt guilt when they did, but I did it for you. I was a mess. I didn’t want know you as Leonardo Dicaprio, but as Leo.

Tears welled up in his eyes.

I didn’t want you to know me. I had to make sure mom and dad didn’t tell you. I had to lie and said it was a “surprise.” Which really isn’t a lie. This was a surprise. I didn’t want you to face the fact that you had fallen in love with your sister. Blood sister. I knew the fact you were depress when I pretended to not know you. I killed myself because I couldn’t live with the fact I had fallen for my brother. My one and only blood brother whom I loved so much. But that’s incest. I am what the world wanted me to be. Loren Dicaprio. I couldn’t fall for anyone else but you. Every guy that courted me, I see you. I still used to go to the park and smiled at every little memory. But now the memories are bittersweet.

Life is hell.
I’m sorry, Leo.
My first love.
My last love.
My brother.

The rain poured down on the letter. The wind blew the hoodie off his head, making the heavy rain soaked him from head to toe. Leonardo didn’t care. He wanted to die right then. “Leo.” Mark called out his best friend’s name. He saw the rain and went out to go find the male. The sight he saw was heart wrenching. Blood was on the ground from hitting the tree. Leonardo didn’t stop punching the tree and kicking the ground.

“F***!” he cried. Mark went to go calm him down. He cried. Leonardo was finally crying. Tears stained his face. He sobbed into his shirt. Little whimpers were barely heard. “She...was... my sister…” Leonardo managed to choke out. Mark was shocked but kept a stoic face. Leonardo was hiccuping and choking through his tears. Mark felt sympathy for the latter. He couldn’t imagine falling in love with a family member. Leonardo kept crying. His eyes were puffy and lips were bleeding from biting it. He tried to hold back his tears. The rain wouldn’t stop pouring down.

“You okay now?” Mark asked. Leonardo shook his head. “Life is a b****.” Mark cracked a smile but it was pitiful. “I’m sorry.” Leonardo looked out the scenery. The rain finally stopped. Everything looked dead. He looked back and saw the letters he carved into the tree. “Do you have a knife with you Mark?” Mark raised a brow. “You’re not planning to kill yourself are you?” he asked but without a doubt grabbed the knife from out of his pocket. Leonardo took it and gave him a grateful smile. He started to carve words into the tree below the letters.

L+L
My first love.
My last love.
My sister.