Alone
The lonely nights where I lay alone only with my wealth. Only with my fancy cars, only with my 6 room house with a beautiful skyline view. This may seem like a man of my age biggest dream, but in my eyes, this is a curse.  No one to share this with. The glory,the money, the fame, the tears, the sorrow, the love,a man like me has strived and longed for, but has yet to obtain.  Starting off from nothing but 30 dollars, a crazy dream and a one way plane ticket to the Big Apple. Thats nothing to work with right? The 6 figures I am making may beg to differ... Having to move in with complete strangers forced to work at a crappy diner, serving dinners, washing dishes just to pay rent. Now i work when I want to and still make more in a week then most of you will make in a year.  So why do i feel so empty? Like something is missing in my life , I have everything I have wanted so what could be making me feel as if this is not the “ Perfect Life”

I have never loved since the one girl that I gave my heart too disappeared. Yes when I say she disappeared she dropped off the face off the earth. I came back her house one day and there was a sign on the door saying SOLD. I looked at the door more puzzled than a jig saw and said “Sold?” How could she leave me like this?  I gave up so much to be with the girl of my dreams. I left my dream school of UCLA and went to Maryland State because she was afraid that the distance would drive us apart. But yet in a blink of an eye she just got up one day and thought “Oh I don't care about Jacob no more, let me just fall back” I was 19 years old when Elana left. I am 31 now and I still have not found someone to fill the spot in my heart where her head use to lay. Do not get me wrong I had dated many other woman, I am not an ugly man. 6'1 green eyes nice smile buzz cut hair with a 5 o'clock shadow. If I were to want to find another woman I would have done so by now. But Elana there was something special about her. The way she always had her golden locks for hair cascade down her back as she got ready for her job at the S cafe on campus. The way her glasses showed off her lighter than the sky blue eyes and her little button eyes, but that smile is what had me, as she laughed her smile would go as big as texas and nothing but white would be seen. Yes she was special, 3 years of my life devoted to that girl, now I have spent the last 12 trying to replace that.

I did not expect to get rich if we are being honest. My marketing degree has made me from working at a diner trying to scrounge for rent, too me sitting poolside as I watch others scrounge for what they wanted. After Elana left I had decided just to focus on myself you know. I moved up to the Big Apple after I graduated from Maryland State which I'm not going to lie is way bigger than my little hometown of Cordele Georgia. Our high school only had around 700 kids and the our graduating class of 2004 only had around 150 kids
I remember when me and Elena graduated high school the conversation we had when everyone else was taking pictures. She looked me dead in the eyes and said "Babe?"
Yes Elana
Can you promise me something please?
Yea what is it
Can you promise me no matter what happens whether you decide to go to UCLA or to MS with me do you promise me you will always love me? that you will never leave me? that you and I will forever be together?
Yes in my mind I thought that this was just a run of emotions that Elena was just overwhelmed with the fact of us maybe departing ways but yet I couldn't help but feel the same way about what she was saying only 2 years together and yet I wanted to be with her forever so I couldn't help but say to her "Forever and Always Elena I love you" But I guess forever doesnt last does it? Elana was my everything and moving day was more of a joyous occasion then sorrowful for me and Elena because our University has co op boarding, so you know what that means. Anyway back to what I was saying our first day on campus was nerve wracking yes because the University is humongous and we never took a tour. Elana and I stayed together at the waist the first 2 weeks at school. We were inseparable for so many months that I had thoughts on asking her to be mine forever. I know our parents would say " You're too young Jacob" " The feelings are not that deep" I didn't care about what anyone had to say I wanted Elena Robertson to mines forever.

We had moved back to our homes in the Summer of 2005. She had lived in downtown Cordele while i lived in the County of Cordele. You remember when I said I came to her house to find out there was a sold sign? That was the day I was going to purpose. I was in a slick black suit with a green and black  striped tie with my versace shoes. I thought I looked like a model out of EBONY magazine. AlI was ready to pour my heart out to her just to get shut down but not by her, By a sign. SOLD. 1 word 4 letters 2 meanings for me. 1. Shes gone 2. I'm heartbroken. I don't really understand why I never got a reason for her disappearing. I looked her up on Social media websites such as Facebook,Twitter Instagram and everything in between. I even went searching for her parents Mr and Ms Robertson and yet I can't their whole family has fallen off the face of the Earth. I remember the conversation I had with Mr Robertson the day Elana and I left for Maryland State. He stared at me dead in my eyes as if he wasn't looking at me but looking into me, looking into the person I said “Look over my princess boy, she really does care for you and I hope you feel the same for her”
My heart had stopped as I was stunned that her father would even have a conversation with me and I said “Yes sir I will take good care of her”
“Your ok Jacob, Maryland is a long way from home. Don't let nothing happen to her. Can you promise me that Jac, man to man?
“You have my word Mr Robertson, I will watch over her as if she was my own daughter.”
He nodded his head and shook my hand with a furious grip as if he did not see me as a boy that his daughter has just messed around with anymore. He had finally seen me as a Man. Yes I was finally seen as a Man and that feeling even though the handshake had almost broke my knuckles…. It was still the best moment of my life.
It was a short moment in my life of me watching over Elana. I only got to spend Freshman year with my love because of her disappearance. I didn't even report her missing because how could I report something that I had little to no knowledge about. Maybe she moved? MAybe she was evicted? Maybe she was kidnapped? So many possibilities I could not just stay stuck on one. The only thing I stayed stuck on was Elana.
I am tired of living in the past life, I am tired of living in love with someone I can not even see anymore. I haven't heard her angelic voice. Her blue eyes make contact with mines as we hug. Its time for myself to move on. So many fish in the sea and yet this fish is not swimming towards me as yet she sees me as a fisherman. I want her to see me as a aquarium and come home.
When me and my best friend since college Dwayne had went out for drinks at the local bar Sensations we walked in with our Versace suits and Doc Martins ready to mingle with any ladies that catch our attention. In the corner of my eye I see a stunning brunette sitting with another pretty lady at the bar. Both sipping on an Apple Martini as they joke and laugh about their workday. Dwayne nudges me and says “Jac come on lets go buy them a drink see what happens”
I shrug my shoulders and say “ Man I don't know how you know that they will even talk to us?”
“Man look at us we are probably one of the most attractive men in New York now come on.”
He pushes me out of the booth into the direction of the 2 lovely ladies in their skin tight dresses that may of cost 300 dollars a piece. Of course Dwayne is the “Ladies Man” He gets who ever he wants whenever he wants. So he walks up to the blonde and says “Hey I'm sorry for bothering you too beautiful ladies but me and my friend her Jac was wondering if we can buy you two a drink” The blonde smiles and looks at the table and says “ Sure , I'm Rebecca and this is my friend…” Her friend hits her arm stopping her in mid sentence. She whispers in her ear and then looks down at the table. There was something about that girls eyes man. Her eyes were perfection and yet she refused to look up. I tap on her shoulder and say “Umm excuse me are you ok miss?” She nods her head as if she appeared to be ok but I would not take that as an answer. “Mam can you please look at me?” As my friend is over on my otherside laughing and toasting drinks with this girl as if he does relationship advice columns on a daily. I say in my head “Man shes not worth it” But those eyes man, they seem so familiar as if I have seen them before and I need to see them again. So all I say is “Can I atleast see your beautiful eyes again please?” After a moment of awkward silence I ask one last time “Please?” She looked up at me… and something I was never prepared for has happened. my heart stopped. I could barely breathe. This cannot be…. “Elana?”
“Hello Jacob” She says in the most monotone.
“Oh my god it really is you! I reach to grab her but she quickly moved the other direction. I stare at her in confusion as she only shakes stayed. Whats wrong? “I thought i haven't old miss me?”
“Well you had thought wrong. its been 12 years Jac. Do you really think I would stay in love with someone that I haven't seen, hugged or touched in 12 years?”
“I still love you Elena. I made a promise to you at graduation you remember? That I will always stay that i will always be there. That I will always love you. How can you forget that?”
“It was high school Jac, we were young and blinded but something that wasn't really there. Im sorry if you were waiting around for something to come.” Elena gets up and begins to exit towards the door.
Elana wait! As a tear begins to roll down my cheek.
She stops and just looks at me like I was a waste of breath.
“I deserve an explanation.” I deserve to know the reason for why you left me? I was left alone for 12 years and the least you can do for me at this point is let me know why.

Elana exits the bar.
I popped my head out of the door because I couldn't find the energy to chase her. She rode away in this beautiful Lexus. The color of the car? Metallic silver with this sharp black tint at the bottom lining. The sunroof open as I hear pop music play out from the top. The license plate read “C23D65” the state? New York” I have been here for 8 years and I never even knew she still was near me. I would of tried to find her, rekindled the bond that me and her had at our young adult ages. In my head I said “I love you too Elana” On the outside I couldn't help to scream “F*** YOU ELENA ROBERTSON I WISH I NEVER FELL IN LOVE WITH YOUR HEARTLESS ASS” As I screamed a tear ran down my eye. A real man does not cry. Only a real man would show their emotions. I was in love with someone who didn't love me, and at this point I am ok with that.

I couldn't help but to cry as I heard that door slam. The one person I ever invested my life into has left me broke. Not in materials not in wealth but I just feel so empty once again and I cannot help it. I wanted her to be mine for so long that I became so obsessed with this fantasy of a “Perfect Life” Love is not a place nor feeling to mess with. One who is in love can fall out of love just as fast. So here I lay again. Rich, wealthy, handsome, and alone. I lay with only my money, cuddle with my cars, and relax in my pool.
I may not be with Elena, but I refuse for me to ever again to be alone.