The shells pound the ground around me. I lie in a shell hole face down in the mud. I try to move my body but there is something heavy on my back. With a building feeling of panic I shift my head to the side to come face to face with a dead soldier. The longer I look into the dead man’s eyes the more my memory begins to flood back to me. Kat is lying next to me with a mouthful of mud and blood dripping down his face.

A drop of water falls from the sky. This droplet is not normal though. Drops of black rain start pouring out of the sky quickly filling the shell hole with sludge. My heart is racing as I try to push the object off my back. I make little progress as the shell hole fills even more. The object rolls off my back and lands in the muck next to me. There in front of me is Mueller.

Machine guns fire over the top of the shell hole; I am trapped. A body is thrown over the edge into the sludge. When the face surfaces I see Kropp floating lifelessly. Before I can catch my thoughts another body falls into the hole and soon after that three more. Bodies are falling in vast numbers into the black sludge around me. Frantically I trudge my way to the edge and try climbing out. A body falls and lands on top of me. I am pushed deep into the sludge, my lungs fill with the disgustingly thick goo. I can’t move and I feel death gripping me tightly.

“Paul! Paul!” A soft frail voice whispers near me.

I jolt out of bed and instantly pull a knife on the stranger’s throat. “Who are you!”

“Paul what are you doing?” There is fear in my sister’s voice as she looks at her war crazed brother in the dim lighting.

Silently I pull the knife from her neck and lie back in bed. I don’t look up or even acknowledge that she is in the room anymore. I can’t explain anything to her, she would never understand.

I am very detached from the real world since I returned from the war. I get no feeling from any of the mundane tasks I used to enjoy before I left. I just sit at the bar and run my finger over the scars on my arm. I hardly touch the beer in front of me, I just let it sit and get warm. People tend to ignore me, they think I’m crazy. Maybe I am crazy.

“You look quite lonely. Mind if I join you?” A woman bravely walks in and sits next to me. She smelled like vanilla.

“I like being alone.” My voice is rough and dripping with desperation.

The woman slides my beer in front of her and runs her finger over the rim. The sight of a woman fills me with an intense hunger. My body acts on its own and I push a piece of hair from her face. She smiles and sips from the warm cup of beer. I am playing her game exactly as she wants me to. Something inside me howls and wants to pounce on the woman. I am not attracted to her or even interested in taking her to bed, but there is a burning in my body that tells me I must.

“We should get out of here.” The animal in me is fighting its way to the surface and forcing my actions.

“You don’t waste too much time now do you? I like it.” She winks and grabs my hand.

Regret courses through my body as she giggles in my ear. The animal in me has taken full control; I am not taking any part in the events playing out in this woman’s bed. I sit back and let the animal have its fun at my expense.

“I have to leave.” I am back in control. I feel dirty, I can’t control this animal I have become.

The steps leading to Kat’s house look like a mountain. Heavy footed I climb them and come to the door. There is no emotion left in my existence but I imagine a normal person would feel nervous. I knock.

“Hello?” A woman with soft features answers the door. Her face reads like a book. She knows why I’m here.

“I wish we didn’t have to meet this way.”

Tears fall and so does she. I catch her and hold Kat’s wife until I am sure she can stand on her own. She invites me in. There are pictures of Kat in small frames on a table. In a back room I hear kids playing. I should feel upset, but I just fight back anger.

“I have prepared myself for this moment for such a long time. I never expected it to feel like this.” She sits and stares blankly at the floor.

“Like you lost your last connection to the world around you?”

“Exactly…” She looks at me.

“You aren’t the only one. I will send you money when I get a hold of some. Take care.” Quickly I walk out of the house.

I fill the bathtub with cold water. I slowly submerge my body into the water. I go under. I don’t feel the cold, just a calm peace that I have lost touch with. I am floating and my mind is whirring. Shells, bullets, and knives flash around my thoughts. Death and destruction corrupt my peace. A black darkness seeps through the walls and floods my brain with sorrow.

I jump out of the water gasping for air. I crawl out of the tub and lay on the floor, I bring my knees to my chest and drift to sleep.

“Paul! Paul!” My sister is shaking me frantically.

I open my eyes and see her crying. She thinks I’m dead. “Don’t worry I’m only dead on the inside.” I pick myself off the floor and walk into my bedroom.

One bullet is loaded in a revolver on my desk. I spin the cylinder and flip it into place. Fearlessly I rub the trigger with my finger. I am used to the feel of one of these. I shouldn’t be here. Kat had a family. I have nothing, I am an animal.

I place the barrel in my mouth. I laugh and count to three.

One.

Two.

Three.

Click.