[Qui-Gon, Yoda, and boy Anakin walk on stage]

Qui-Gon: [points at Anakin] He is the Chosen One. I wish to train him.

Yoda: Cannot you. Full of fear, he is.

[Darth Maul sprints onto the stage and stabs Qui-Gon. Obi-Wan enters.]

Obi-Wan: NOOOOOOOOO!!!! [slashes Darth Maul in half] [kneels before Yoda] I wish to train the boy.

Yoda: Times do I say it how many? And no, no, no.

Obi-Wan: I’m going to anyway. [sticks out tongue]

[All three leave the stage]

[Older Anakin enters with Padme]

Anakin: I love you.

Padme: You can’t.

Anakin: Yes I can.

[They kiss]

Padme: [pushes him away] No, you can’t!!

Anakin: But you can’t deny that I’m sexy without this shirt on.

[Padme, unable to resist, kisses him again. Obi-Wan enters.]

Obi-Wan: Hey, aren’t you supposed to be saving me from Count Dooku?

Anakin: You’re going to turn Padme against me. [whips out lightsaber]

Padme: NOOOOOO!!! [runs in front of Obi-Wan] You can’t hurt me. Can’t you see that I’m pregnant?

Anakin: [inspects Padme's inflated belly] What, like with octuplets or something? [thinks really hard] That’s too many for my budget. How would we put them all through college? [does a choker hold on Padme]

Obi-Wan: [facepalm]

Padme: [gagging] Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re-

Obi-Wan: [falls to his knees before Padme] [encouragingly cries] Yes, yes Padme? You’re what? C’mon Padme. What is it you’re trying to say??? SPEAK PADME, SPEAK!!!!

Padme: You’re… the… father… [dies]

[Awkward silence]

[Obi-Wan slowly begins backing off the stage. Anakin, rage built, pulls out his lightsaber and starts chasing Obi-Wan around.]

Obi-Wan: [panting] She’s lying, I swear she’s lying!! Okay, maybe not, but really Anakin, did you expect her to stick around with you and all your creepy mood swings? Give me a break!!

[The two exit. Nineteen years later, an older Obi-Wan and Anakin enter, sporting long grey beards. The chase continues.]

[Leia and Luke as teenagers enter]

Leia: [inspects nails] Like, aren’t we like, supposed to be like, trying to find our father or like something? This plot is just, like, too confusing.

Luke: You’re right, my dearest sister that kissed me before we realized that we were siblings and now I have a gag reflex whenever I think about kissing somebody. I’ll never be able to identify myself and have a happy future unless I discover my father’s identity. I may become depressed and have a mental breakdown before I reach 20. I’ve thought about killing myself, but then I realized that I have so many friends that are willing to support me no matter what path I choose. [closes eyes and goes into happy place, humming “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”]

Leia: [rolls eyes] You’re, like, such a weirdo.

[Han enters, makes eye contact with Leia, and gestures with his chin all sexy like. Leia goes weak at the knees and Han catches her in his hairy manly arm-]

Yoda: [from offstage] Much from the plot deviating?

Leia: [clears throat, flustered] Sorry, like, continue.

[Anakin and Obi-Wan catch sight of the two. Scrambling toward them, Obi-Wan trips Anakin and gets ahead, but Anakin grabs hold of Obi-Wan’s ankle and bites him.]

Obi-Wan: Rabies, rabies!! [hops on one foot in a circle]

Anakin: [breathless] I’m your father.

Obi-Wan: [shoves Anakin out of the way] No, I am.

Anakin: [shoves back] I am.

Obi-Wan: [glares] Rock, paper, scissors?

Anakin: You’re on!!

[Pokemon battle music plays. Obi-Wan wins and does a celebratory dance.]

Anakin: Best two out of three!!

[Obi-Wan wins again. Anakin begins crying, then gets angry and whips out his lightsaber again. Music from “Psycho” begins playing as he stalks Obi-Wan.]

Yoda: [from offstage again] A poor loser, you are.

Anakin: [at Yoda] Come and say that to my face, you miniature green monkey.

[Yoda springs on stage and hacks Anakin’s head off. Exit Yoda.]

All: Yay!!

[Violins swell as they do a group hug. Han skips onto the stage and Leia goes to meet him. She swoons. He catches her and prepares to kiss-]

Obi-Wan: [clears throat]

[Han looks up and sees that Obi-Wan has drawn his lightsaber. He immediately drops Leia who begins sobbing and screaming profanities at Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan starts chasing Han around the stage. Luke stands rocking back and forth, still humming “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”, oblivious to what is happening. Curtain drops on their squabbling.]

[Yoda enters]

Yoda: Such a happy family they are. [malicious cackle turns into ragged coughing]

[Stage goes dark]

The End