Jermichael Finley’s New Look
April 3, 2013
GREEN BAY, WI—
Jermichael Finley has been absolutely horrific over the last three years. He is currently in fourth place for drop percentage at 10.9%. He also places in the top ten for drops allowed. During the 2011 season, Jermichael dropped 12 easily catchable balls. It’s guaranteed nobody from Wisconsin can forget the two balls Jermichael let slip through his fingers in the Packer’s embarrassing 37-20 loss to the Giants. The Packers were thrashed by the Giants in the divisional round of the 2011-2012 playoffs after going 15-1 in the regular season.
After the game, Jermichael was heard talking to his hands saying, “In front of everyone, everyone! Do you not understand my Grandma was there? No more sweater and cookies for me.” Finley was found still crying… hours later. Jermichael Finley and the Packers let their season drop just like that. Jermichael managed to repeat himself in the 2012-2013 season. He must have doused his hands in butter because he dropped seven more bunnies that season. Jermichael’s career is slowly slipping out of his hands.
April 4, 2013
LOCKER ROOM, GREEN BAY—
“Don’t even say that name, he is a devil,” screeched Clay Matthews, the Packer’s all-star linebacker.
“I hope we don’t trade him. That wouldn’t be fair for the other teams,” complained Cedric Benson, the new running back of the Packers.
“Who let him in the locker room? Is he even on the team?” wondered BJ Raji, the Packer’s hefty nose tackle.
“There is no way that dude actually plays football. I thought he was a charity case,” claimed Mike McCarthy. These are just some of the thoughts that Finley’s fellow Packers said about him. Either the players knew him and thought he was bad, or they didn’t even know who the guy was. Coach Mike McCarthy thought he was a charity case the team sponsored. “I thought he was with the Make-A-Wish Foundation. He could use it with those rock hands,” explained the coach.
Some players, such as star wideout Jordy Nelson, are very against Finley. “That gosh dang wash-out drops all the gosh darn balls I could be touchdowning. Seriously? Can he please not make me look so gosh dang amazing? All I have to do is run without falling over, and he makes me look like a pro bowler. I’m supposed to be the up and coming young star. I don’t want to be the annual pro bowler who makes 20,000,000 a year. I’m not that good. I only scored seven touchdowns last year. He disgusts me,” yelled a quite angry Nelson. Aaron Rodgers wouldn’t talk to us after we used the word, “Finley.” We were then kicked out of the locker room after exceeding the maximum “Finley word” limit.
MULE BARN, OK—
“I’ve played over 400 games of Madden 12 and 13 in my day. I’ve beat NFL stars Adrian Peterson, Aaron Rodgers, and Calvin Johnson at the game,” bragged Connor Wears. The Madden champion continued to gloat saying, “Concluding my Grand Slam wins of Madden were wins at Maddendon, The Aussie Madden Open, Le Open de Madden, and The Merica Madden Open. I have become the best Madden player to ever live. I’ve had 12 and 7 fewer drops than Finley in my 2 breakout years of Madden. I’m not even that good to be honest. I have 12,345 wins and only 8 losses in my years of playing the game. I’m only playing on the hardest difficulty. I’m not even that big a deal. I mean come on Finley, I’m far better than you and I’m 5’10, 170 pounds,” gloated local madden champion, Connor Wears.
KEYS, FL—
“Goo goo gah gah blah goob flah goo gah gaga goo, Ga gooooo,” Jeremy Grahams. The 6 month old’s mother translated the quote to, “Finley’s hands make me cry, a lot.” Jeremy’s father says that he sometimes plays catch with his son to enhance the child’s catching ability.
“Play catch? I barely even acknowledge the kid for goodness sakes. Who do you think I am? God?” retorted the father. We did find out that if we put Jeremy’s legs together, criss-cross-applesauce, and drop the ball into his lap; the child only dropped .5 out of 10 balls. This makes his drop percentage better than Finley’s.
Jeremy credited his success to Finley by saying, “AAAHHHHH goop gag ga loooo.” This means, “Jermichael Finley shows me that the world deserves someone at least below average, I can be that guy.”
BACK ROOM, AMERY HIGH SCHOOL—
“He is a head case, and a screwball. He is bad at least 50% of the time,” explained Amery High School 2012 back-up quarterback, Colin Bursik.
When asked if he could make Finley’s game better, the backup quarterback said, “My fastball at quarterback is at least 60 mph. I don’t think my stardom can handle his disgusting football abilities. It’s unfair to even compare me to him.”
“Get rid of the three foot wide holes in his hands,” answered Bursik, after being asked if he had any tips for Finley.
Colin Bursik’s last words were, “Of course I’m better then Finley. Do I look like I’m horrendous?” Bursik then proceeded to flick his wrist and throw a football through the holes in Finley’s hands, which are at least 400 miles away.
EXECUTIVE BOX, GREEN BAY WI—
Sonny Anderson, long time Packer faithful and co-owner of the Packers, has a lot of thoughts on Finley. The owner, disappointedly, said, “The man is unbelievable, in the bad way. During the off-season the Packer players took an assessment test. Finley managed to score a .5 on football ability and personality. He is gravely horrible and a jerk.”
“Give her a little punch on the face,” was Jermichael’s answer to the question, “What would you do if your daughter had lost her best friend?”
“What a gluteus maximus right?” thought Anderson.
We asked 1 of the 363,948 owners of the Packers, Anderson, if Finley could bring the ring back to Titletown. Sonny answered, “No, I know he couldn’t. I don’t think Finley could eat glue let alone catch it. The only good thing Finley has ever done for this franchise is the rooster thing after he gets a first down … once a game.”
Anderson was asked if he, himself, was better than Finley. He swaggered, “Yes, I’m a better ball player than Finley. I own an NFL team for sakes. How could I even think about being terrible?”
“I own 1 share out of 5,020,523. I have the power to do whatever I want with him,” claimed the owner. “Money, I’m made of it. Finley won’t be after the next owner’s meeting,” the owner and high school sophomore stated. Anderson then strutted out of the room after kicking a paper football right through the uprights.
April 5, 2013
GARAGE, MOTHER’S HOUSE—BREAKING NEWS—
Hardly mediocre, Packer’s tight end, Jermichael Finley has cut off his own hands. In an attempt to become better at football, Jermichael cut his atrocious hands off. Mr. Finley was heard by witnesses minutes before the glorious act.
“Guys, do you even love me anymore? I did everything you said. I got over 730 manicures. I ate pizza with a fork. I even washed my hands after I flushed. What else can I do to please you?” pleaded Finley. After minutes of silence from his hands, Finley took a dull butter knife and sawed off the world’s problems. It took him a mere four hours to complete his task.
“The bone was the hardest to get through. The cartilage and muscle were nothing. The muscle and cartilage was like cutting through butter. The sawing didn’t even hurt. It kind of tickled actually. I haven’t had more adrenaline in my system since I almost didn’t drop that ball in the playoffs. Don’t ask me how I got the second hand off. Trust me, you don’t want to know,” yelled Finley excitedly after being asked if sawing your hand off is excruciatingly painful.
Finley stated after the event, “They were bringing me down. Who need hands? Feeding yourself, getting hydrated, and doing everyday tasks, who needs to do any of that to survive? All I need to do is catch footballs.”
April 6, 2023
TOP BUNK, MY ROOM—
Jermichael Finley agreed to a 3 year 1.9 billion dollar deal with the Packers today. After recording the best single season in NFL history, Jermichael is getting the money he deserves. Jermichael caught 460 passes on 455 targets, scored 100 touchdowns, and had 3,489 receiving yards.
“Wow what a season. I am very good,” the now handless Finley puked out with enthusiasm. “I am no doubt ably the best now. Somebody please give me a pat on the back,” Jermichael rambled on. Finley continued to talk about how good he was for 20 more minutes ending with, “The only thing that could make me better is absolutely nothing. I’m like Barry Bonds during steroids, or Ryan Leaf before the NFL.”
His last comments before going to a wrist photo shoot were, “Stevie Wonder didn’t need eyes, Kevin Ware didn’t need calcium, and I don’t need hands.”