I had one of my classic breakdowns again. More of the same, arguing with my parents about this and that and all of everything. Ending with me storming out of the house in the pitch black and going for a dramatic walk alone. Alone.

But this time, I swear, it was like straight out of a novel.

I grabbed my sweatshirt, my shoes, my stupid bright orange wristwatch I had started wearing. Why did I start wearing that ugly thing? Well, it was simple now that I really thought about it. No one else had one.

Anyway, my usual rage and anger was peculiarly replaced with a sort of ritual, almost, me getting all my clothes ready to head out into the night. It was somewhat comedic, like I knew I was being watched by my own audience. My life is all just one big cinematic train wreck.

As I left through the front door, I felt the crisp coolness of the night-winter air on my face. Fresh frost covered the walkway, and the yellow lights of the other houses filled my vision. It’s funny, you know? How street lights always look blurry and gleaming, as if they are out of focus or the backdrop of an enticing postcard advertising some other foreign place to which we all long to flee.

Anyway, at first I thought that I would go my usual route. Onto the main road, along the grass, into the neighboring..well, neighborhood. Right next to mine. Houses are a crap ton bigger. Which isn’t to say mine is small. In fact it is actually quite big compared to the town homes in the adjacent village. I just like to tell myself that it’s small so as to keep the guilt at bay and my conscience clear. I usually walk into the forest that surrounds the neighborhood. Something about the woods at night calms me.

On my worst nights, I would stray off the man-made road cutting through the mess of houses, and venture into the brush and tangle of thorn-tipped vines. I would emerge in a small piece of nature, untouched by modern malice. Find a fallen tree trunk. Witness a few baby deer sprint away upon my sight. It was nice. The sounds they made.

But, tonight was different.

Across from my neighborhood, there is a golf course. It is kinda crappy, as one would suspect any northern course outside of florida would be. But, the hills were like crests in the waves, the salty sea foam replaced with dunes of lumpy white sand. The sun always sets right between two of these rolling mounds. This particular night, I could just make out the last remaining orange wisp of daylight calling out to me, between the hills.

I had lived here for so long, but I had never once adventured out into the empty fields of the  Deep Green.

Some frosty bits fell from the sky, which itself was a dark, brooding, unimaginative grey. But I was thankful for this boring atmosphere, for it was against this plain palette that the last whisper of the setting sun contrasted and caught my attention. It really did call to me.

So, I found myself on an unfamiliar path. I walked out into the road just as the lights of two cars emerged to the left and right. Suddenly, it was a spy movie. Or something. I ran swiftly across the slippery road, onto the grass, and vaulted the wooden fence bordering the gold course.

Even the grunt I made as I crashed to the ground on the other side seemed almost comical, again, like it was all part of a book. I had the wind knocked out of me. And it was comical, like a book.

I got up and brushed off the snow and looked at the hills I had spent so many years gazing at through my window. I was so close now. It felt supernatural.

The snow on the ground here was solid, and hard as rock. And, a fresh layer of ice on top added to the already mischievous and questionable facade that was my situation.This cold night.

I ended up being able to cross pretty well. I made small steps. The mass of snow and ice separating me from the sunset valley was vast and dangerous, but I somehow managed to creep across without making the slightest impression on its uniform surface. Don’t ask me how I do it. I just do.

The short period of time immediately following my arrival at my destination is not worth delving into in such detail. But, I promise you it was super dramatic. It involved my slumping to the icy ground, sobbing into my already frost bitten hands, and pondering at the state to which my own existence had deteriorated.

Oh, and the climax. That was the best part. Super dramatic. Straight out of a movie; I swear. I lifted my head up towards the dark grey sky, and let years of anguish barrel out of my mouth at once.

“WHAT. AM. I??”

It echoed off into the distance. I always hated the sound of my own voice, but the pain I heard in its broken waves intrigued me. I followed it into the night, watching it soar over the houses in my neighborhood, the blurry street lamps, the roof of my own house. The view was breathtaking.

Exhausted from my burst of passion, I tumbled down onto my back. Luckily, the little valley between the hills was curiously devoid of snow. The prickly but firm grass cushioned my fall.

I simply stared up into the sky for what seemed like an eternity. My live studio audience held their breaths. What a show.

But seriously. What am I, you know? What is my purpose? Yes, I’m talking to you. I know..I know you’re there. I guess.

Dark clouds and the sound of wind blowing through the grassy blades.

If it’s my destiny to lay here and die, I’m gonna need some help. You know I don’t quite have the guts to do it myself, least of all let myself freeze to death.

Got anything up in those grey folds of yours that can help? Your..your swaying pockets? Your bottomless bag of tricks you got up there? Anything?

Just specks of sleet. They melted as they hit my forehead and cheeks, leaving little patches of liquid on my already tear soaked face.

A divine lighting bolt, maybe. I blast of fire. I storm of toads? Come on, those are like party tricks to you.

Just promise me, no jump scares. I’m warning you.

I’m insane.

Just..just talk to me. Please. Please. Talk to me. What am I to do? Give me a sign.

Nothing, for the longest time. I just lay there in the cold, gazing up into emptiness. It felt perfectly right to just drift off into an eternal sleep right there on that bed of frozen grass.

Then, out of nowhere, I saw a little smudge of movement in its black folds. I couldn’t believe it. The eyes in my mind widened to the size of coconuts, but my face just kept its blank, almost dreamy stare. But hey, I’ll bite.

I..I couldn’t quite make that out. Could you be a little clearer?

It was straight out of a novel.

My lips had become chapped and dry in the cold night air. Realizing I wouldn’t be getting any help, I moistened my mouth and momentarily shut my eyes tight, taking in my surroundings. The smell of the crisp wind. The sound of the tress swaying. The feel of the grass poking into my back. I squeezed just a bit tighter, feeling the strain of my facial muscles against my skull.

When I opened them, I saw God.

Millions, hundred of thousands of millions, leagues and armies and nations of little clear beings rushed through the sky against the plain grey backdrop of the clouds. They swam all around in frenzies: like gas molecules in an empty jar. They played, and they sang, and they danced, all right before my very eyes. Just for me. My face retained its apathetic form, but my mind smiled like the sun.

It lasted for several moments. Too short a time for me to savor it as I would have liked to, but long enough for me to just sit there are appreciate it. To take it all in.

Then, one by one, gradually, they began to disappear. Those tiny dancing specks merged into the grey backdrop. All the armies and nations lost themselves in the swells of the clouds. I just stared blankly. For a moment. For two. For a full minute.

Then I realized.

Eye floaters.

I snapped out of my trance and sat back up. I looked back at the image of my neighborhood sprawled out in front of me, and I spun to see the empty expanse between the hills behind me. The orange glow of the sun had gone, and all that remained was another stitching of plain, grey fabric. In this moment, I felt truly alone.

I got to my feet and automatically began to walk down the slope. Blank face, hollow mind. I climbed over the wooden fence. I trudged through the snow and across the road back into my neighborhood. I walked up the sidewalk to my house. I had forgotten my keys. So I had nothing to do but ring the doorbell and wait for the people I had just finished screaming at to let me into the warmth.

I raised my finger to the button and let it hover there, just for a bit of dramatic effect. The studio audience breathed in.

Silence.

It is the bed tonight. Warm covers,

But tomorrow could be the ceiling fan.

I am unsure. But One thing I know for certain.

I have created God, and heaven, and earth, and the stars, and the clouds, and the baby deer, and the trees, and the bright orange wristwatches, and the blurry street lights, and the snow and ice, and my own display of magic and miracles… myself.

Right before, or rather, in, my very eyes. Floating bodies of mystery, a remedy concocted by my own body, my own person.

And my life is a blank slate.

A vast expanse of unsullied ice and snow, begging to be dented and changed and shaped from my footprints. And it is through my own strength and mind that I will reach into my own bottomless bag of tricks, and discover my destiny.
It’s like straight out of a novel. I swear.