It Takes a Real Man to Lie
“Gobble gobble gobble!”
The green turkey was hungry. So being the good employee I was, I happily leaped up from my chair to grab the feed from the giant green sack, just as my boss has trained me to do. But why did it take so long, you ask? Well obviously because I wanted to pick out only the best and most pristine grains to give the good green turkey that I so loved like my own grandfather! You see, even though this turkey disrespectfully gobbles at me, I nevertheless show him by utmost respect in a humble, respectful manner. As my mother had once told me, always treat others the way you–
“GOBBLE. GOBBLE.”
Yes, yes, but before I proceed to the feeding part, if I were at all a sensible human being, I would explain why these things are in my pocket. You see, before I came to work here, I was a goldsmith. I was actually so successful a goldsmith that friends and strangers, old and young, would entrust me with their dearest gold trinkets because I am a trustworthy man worth trusting. Why this gold locket actually belongs to the green turkey here, the very one that I’m assigned to feed every day. He and I have developed such a close friendship that he feels safe entrusting me with his mother’s most prized locket! And this silver watch? Well you see… I’m also a silversmith in my spare time! Yes, I repair not only gold treasures but silvers too with my five nimble fingers! As a gentleman born different from everyone else, I feel obligated that take every opportunity to help others when I can. And one of those things is to repair little gold and silver trinkets, which explains why you have found these objects in my pocket. With the exception of the gold locket, all of these are currently properly on loan to me, honest!
“Gobble. Gobble GOBBBBBBBLLLLEEEE!!!”
This green turkey was developing an attitude towards me! He not only pecked my feet when I wasn’t looking, but also when I brought him his damn – I mean damn-delicious feed to him. But you see, this accident was not at all what it may seem like, in fact this should be classified as a case of unfortunate accidental turkey-slaughter that happened by accident and misfortune! The reason why I shoved feed down the green turkey’s throat was because I was trying to stimulate his digestive system; the poor old turkey had problems eating, and I couldn’t idly stand by and let the miserable thing continue living – I mean – let me rephrase that. I couldn’t idly stand by while the good green turkey was in pain. I actually read somewhere in a Times article that the occasional probe down the throat is actually quite beneficial to the turkey-body, so I tried it. In fact, did you know that turkeys that stimulate their throat once a month live a much healthier and much more fulfilling life than turkeys that don’t? How was I to know that a medicinal poke down the turkey’s throat could result in such a terrible accident? I didn’t do it out of anger, but rather out of love and caring love for a loved one, honest!
“Gobble, gobble-gobble Gobble?”
Please officer, refrain from jumping to any conclusions. Of course I did not introduce feed into the good turkey’s body through any other means; the only way I introduced feed into the good green turkey was through his mouth. How it came to be that seeds were jammed in his eyes, beard, ears, and toes is far beyond me. I had nothing to do with it, so I don’t even know what happened! However, I should probably let you in on an observation I made a few minutes before the tragic accident. There was a dust devil coming from down the road. Oh you don’t know what that is? Well it’s just a really small tornado that forms and disappears very quickly, and is thus untraceable. Yes, completely untraceable, even now with modern Turk-nology! It was most likely this dust devil that came and maliciously shoved seeds into the dead turkey’s body so savagely. The act was so terrible that I couldn’t even bear to look at the body. And also, dust blew into my eyes and I couldn’t see what had happened, honest!
“Gobble gobble. Gob-gob gobble, gob-gobble?”
Yes, officer. This is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. In fact my middle name is Guperpawnist, which rhymes with super-honest, honest!
“Gobble gobble, gobble gob?”
What an excellent question, and there is of course an excellent explanation that is reasonable, truthful, honest, and is true! The reason why all the feed had somehow ended up in my car was not at all because I was trying to steal it; no of course not! You see I saw the dust devil coming, so being the good employee that I was, I carefully relocated the feed to the backseat of my car so that the dust devil couldn’t wreak havoc on my favorite farm! Oh but my good intentions were ineffectively feckless, fruitless, and useless and didn’t work! I tried to drive the car away so that there would be no chance of losing the feed, but the dust devil nevertheless swiped the feed, forcefully sprinkled it onto the good green turkey’s dead body, and then plopped it right back in my car. Then I was forced to go back and check to make sure the belongings in the house were undamaged, which is why the gold locket was safely resting in my pocket. This was exactly when you came in and arrested me, officer. I swear to God I’m innocent.
“Gob-gobble.”
No, please! Be reasonable! You don’t understand! I have a speech problem!
“Gob.” (the interrogator-turkey leaves)
You must believe me! I have no reason to lie about this! Please, anything but Conversion! Noooooooo!
Two large turkeys enter the room, one carrying a giant club. The convict is Bonked on the head, and falls unconscious, and a brown paper bag is placed over his head. As the convict is dragged away, the turkey-jury cringes at the convict’s two extra freakish fingers, as well as his two additional abominable toes on his right foot, now no longer mercifully concealed by the wooden table. Many wonder, perhaps if he had been born into the Higher race, perhaps if he had been dealt a better hand by Fate, this tragic event could have been avoided. The convict is heard screaming beyond the closed door, as well as some frantic last-second chatter about how it doesn’t make sense that turkeys rule the world. An unknown voice finally breaks the eerie silence:
“Gobble gobble gobble!”
THE END