Macbeth. Over the past week, that name has become feared and hated by the people of Scotland. The tyrant, called a demon, and possibly the devil himself (although his autopsy revealed no horns), was killed yesterday at Dunsinane Castle, the center of his evil rule. Macbeth was killed during the heated battle between the reluctant soldiers of his army and a force of English soldiers and rebel Scots lead by Malcolm and Siward. Macbeth was beheaded by Macduff, only hours after the death of Lady Macbeth, in revenge for the brutal murder of Macduff's family. It has been reported that Macbeth did not take many pains to defend himself, believing that the witches' prophesy that he could not be killed by anyone born of a woman, had not come true. But Macduff was not born naturally, and after generously offering to make Macbeth part of a freak show, Macduff instead killed him.


Lady Macbeth, called by some the demon queen of Scotland, died after a day or so of sleep deprivation and visions of death. Anonymous sources have revealed that Lady Macbeth committed suicide, aided by her doctor. The doctor himself said to Lady Macbeth that there was nothing medically he could do, since she was struggling with inner demons, namely her part in the murder of Duncan. Right before her death, the doctor was seen with the Lady, and the same source assures us that he was not, in fact, treating her condition. Other sources report that the doctor could have been taken into custody for the charge of assisted suicide, but Lady Macbeth was largely considered only slightly less evil than Macbeth and everyone is honestly just glad to be rid of her.


Macbeth and Lady Macbeth used to be a happy and respected couple and well liked members of the Scottish court. General of Duncan's army with Banquo, Macbeth was brave and loyal. In fact, Duncan introduced Macbeth to Lady Macbeth during singles' night at the royal bar (this practice has since been discontinued). Macbeth courted her for a long two days with flowers and romantic poems, until his father arranged the marriage with her father. The marriage took place on a cool autumn day in the courtyard of Daddy Macbeth's castle. The marriage continued untroubled for a number of years, until Lady Macbeth developed an addiction to the wild berries that grew around the castle, known to cause dreams of power and grandeur. Macbeth became depressed and dove into his work in Duncan's army, becoming its commander with his childhood friend Banquo. This continued until after an invasion by the King of Norway, Macbeth and Banquo encountered a trio of witches, the notorious Weird Sisters and they told Macbeth of his future rise to power. New evidence has surfaced revealing that the witches planted these berries. It seems the Weird Sisters, already wanted for homicide, assault, and causing mayhem, have now involved themselves in the drug trade (note: there is a large bounty on any witches found and killed, however, it is recommended that if you see a witch that you inform the local witch hunter or angry mob). Later review of Macbeth's diary revealed that he considered the witches' prophecies, but he did not consider what effect the berries would have on Lady Macbeth's judgment.


A Lady Macbeth hooked on berries pushed Macbeth, desperate for his Lady's love, to kill King Duncan (a toxicology report has revealed that berries were in Macbeth's system as well). We all know the rest of the story. Macbeth went crazy, became violent and cruel. Lady Macbeth was slowly eaten up by guilt until she became a chronic sleepwalker and finally died. Macbeth was reported as saying shortly before he died, "I did not really think it through. It seemed like a good idea at the time. My bad."


But some questions still remain. How did the berries get into Macbeth's system? Did those evil witches drug him or was it Lady Macbeth? Did Macbeth out of love for this wife take them willingly? Where are the witches now? Where did we get a printing press long before it was even dreamed of? And why are we selling newspapers when most people don't know how to read? The world may never know.