The first time I saw her I fell in love. She was standing there in the rain beautiful as ever. I could tell even from my distance that she was in pain, her clothes were torn and muddy. I wanted to save her but I knew I never could unless I wanted to risk my safety. I was finally safe. The bullies no longer searched for me in the hallway, they targeted her instead. As awful as I felt, I was also relieved it was no longer me. I was no longer the victim of their harsh words.

I don’t know the cause of their bullying, but it must have been something bad because, unlike my time, it didn’t stop when she went home. It followed her. She was bullied every time she opened her phone, or email, or got on social networking sites. The bullies followed her home and attacked her through the computer.

People believe that the bullied are the cowards, but they are the bravest people you will ever meet. The ones who attack through a screen name are the true cowards. Any type of bully is a coward, I just wish I had enough courage to stand up to them. The bystanders, including me, are the biggest cowards of all. We have the power to protect the bullied and instead we turn our heads the other way. Ill always regret not having the courage.

I saw her in the hallways everyday, she walked with her head bowed, eyes glued to the floor, and arms crossed so she was hugging herself. She pretended she didn’t hear the taunting, jeering, and name calling, but I knew she did. She was the bravest of them all. She continued down the hallway never sinking to the bullies level, she kept walking refusing to let them get to her.

Or at least I thought they didn’t get to her. I was wrong.

When I saw her standing in the rain she was alone, and her guard was down. The emotions on her face ranged from; hurt, anger, embarrassment, and sadness. I knew those looks well because they had been displayed on my face a million times before. I truly regret not being able to have the courage to befriend her because during my time with bullies she was always there to give encouraging words.

It’s true when they say no one cares about anyone but themselves, usually. She broke that stereotype though. She’s the girl that didn’t care about what people said or thought of her. She was independent, and lively until they got to her. At first she went through it with her head held high, after awhile she stopped pretending. I would be standing near the lockers and hear the newest evil people said to her via the internet. She never told anybody though. She suffered in silence up until the end. I saw her one day walking out the door and I thought the look displayed on her face was sadness, it wasn’t. I couldn’t figure out what that look was until I got home later that day. It was an emotion I had never experienced. One I always fought against.

Defeat.

I thought the defeat in her face was just a cry for help. I thought she wanted the bullies to see this and realize they had gotten what they wanted. I never expected the worst would happen. When I got home later that day I looked at all of her social networking sites. I read the awful things people posted, so I could only imagine what was laying in her inbox. After reading everything I realized why she had that look of defeat on her face. She really had given up. She was giving into the bullies wishes.

I went to compose a message and decided against it. I fought with myself for hours about whether or not I should send it. In the end I sent the message and the picture. The picture was one I had taken the day I saw her in the rain with torn clothes and a broken heart. I felt it captured her beauty in everyway, in a way the bullying made her more beautiful because she dealt with it for so long. I truly admired her for her courage, and hated myself for my cowardice. My message was simple and to the point.

“I love you. Stay strong”

In the morning I found my message was too late. She had killed herself the night before. She left a note for her attackers. It was the picture I had taken and written on the
back was the message, “See this face? It’s the face of defeat. You win.”

I felt ashamed all over again. I knew from experience that this message was not directed to her bullies alone, but everyone who stood by and did nothing. Including me. I made a decision to ignore what was going on to protect myself, it was a decision I’ll regret every time I look at that picture. I opened an email later in the day that will be burned in my memory until the day I die. It said:

“If you truly did you would have saved me.”

Those words intensified what I already knew.

I was the one at fault for her death. Everyone who stood by and did nothing is the true killer of her. The bullies pushed her to the edge, but in the end it’s the witnesses who gave the final push.