This is John, your best friend that you’ve known since high school. How are you? I hope you’re having a good time. Your wife says that you’ve been doing well. I’m writing this letter to offer you my condolences and sincerest apologies. 

Now you’re probably wondering why I’m offering you my condolences. Well, I think there’s something you should know. For the past six months, while you have gone to work and provided for your family, I have been visiting your wife in your beautiful home. Our relationship has grown and we have fallen in love with each other. I just wanted to let you know that you and your wife will no longer be married as she is going to divorce you and marry me. 

You probably have lots of questions like: Why did she choose me over you? What did I do? What could I have done better? Now there are many possible reasons why she decided to leave you. But most likely, it's because I am more attractive than you, I make more money than you, I am taller than you, and I am just better than you. At the end of the day though, it doesn’t really matter because I am the superior man who she chose. 

I would hate for you to spend the rest of your now miserable life trying to figure out the details of our passionate love affair, so I have decided to share them with you. It all began when you asked me to come over and fix your TV. Your wife quickly realized my prowess as a handyman and was captivated by my masculine abilities. She watched as day after day, I fixed every last item in your home (you’re welcome, by the way) and grew to love me. Sadly, there is nothing you could have done to prevent our union as your complete lack of masculine abilities and manliness would have led your wife to leave you anyways. I hope that with a few classes and some personal training, you may be able to one day achieve the skills necessary to sustain a relationship with a woman. I would be happy to help. 

I am very sorry for you and want you to know that it is nothing personal, and I hope we can still be friends. I know we have known each other for a very long time and that you placed a lot of trust in me. But I just wanted you to know that I would not have done this if I thought it would make you mad. 

Please do not be concerned about money, Michael. Your wife and I know that divorce can be very expensive, so we have graciously decided to let you keep all of your own money. Fortunately, the amount you make is so little, and my job is more than enough to support your wife and children in the way that you never could. No need to thank us. 

You also don’t need to worry about getting all your stuff from your house, I have taken the liberty of donating it all to charity. If there’s anything you really need, I would suggest checking Goodwill. 

Now you’re probably also wondering what is going to happen to your kids. I just wanted you to know that your (ex)wife and I are going to raise them very well, and although we are not going to let you have custody over them, we are going to let you visit them once or twice every year!

I know that you’re probably feeling a lot of emotions right now, such as confusion or anger, but the whole reason I wrote this letter was so that you wouldn’t get angry. I think the appropriate thing to do in your situation would be to move on and forgive your wife and me. There are so many other women in this world that I think you would be very happy with. We cannot wait to double date!